what a joke!

[throwerb]

Anyone here a good joke lately? Please share:D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Originally posted by throwerb
Anyone here a good joke lately? Please share:D
you didn't like mine.. :( :D :D

[FMluvswater]

Sure. An e-mail I got. Made me laugh. :D
The Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet -- caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[throwerb]

you didn't like mine..
It was so good I had to have more.:D

[RiverOtter]

A small southern town was having an old fashioned tent revival. The preacher was preaching up a storm! Hell Fire and Brimstone! He was calling for people to confess their sins.
A man stands up and says. I'm and alcoholic and I can't stop driniking. The preacher says "tell it all brother"
Another man stands up and says I cheated on my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Another man stands up an says I can't stop beating my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Then an old farmer stands up and says I can't stop making love to my goat. The preacher says "Damn Brother, Don't believe I'd a told that!"

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word p e nis in tiny letters. she turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw in larger letters the word p enis again on the black board. Again she scanned the room for the guilty face and found none. so she proceeded with class.
Every morningfor about a week she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!":D

[FMluvswater]

Originally posted by RiverOtter
A small southern town was having an old fashioned tent revival. The preacher was preaching up a storm! Hell Fire and Brimstone! He was calling for people to confess their sins.
A man stands up and says. I'm and alcoholic and I can't stop driniking. The preacher says "tell it all brother"
Another man stands up and says I cheated on my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Another man stands up an says I can't stop beating my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Then an old farmer stands up and says I can't stop making love to my goat. The preacher says "Damn Brother, Don't believe I'd a told that!"
LMFAO! :D :D

[RiverOtter]

Good one Mrs. V. :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Originally posted by RiverOtter
A small southern town was having an old fashioned tent revival. The preacher was preaching up a storm! Hell Fire and Brimstone! He was calling for people to confess their sins.
A man stands up and says. I'm and alcoholic and I can't stop driniking. The preacher says "tell it all brother"
Another man stands up and says I cheated on my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Another man stands up an says I can't stop beating my wife. The preacher says "tell it all brother, tell it all"
Then an old farmer stands up and says I can't stop making love to my goat. The preacher says "Damn Brother, Don't believe I'd a told that!"
LMAO!! I like that one.. :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Originally posted by RiverOtter
Good one Mrs. V. :D
rub rub rub.. LOL!!:D

[RiverOtter]

Originally posted by MRS FLYIN VEE
rub rub rub.. LOL!!:D
It's an involuntary reflex :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Originally posted by RiverOtter
It's an involuntary reflex :D
LMAO!! sometimes it is.. but most of the time it is... :D :D

[throwerb]

Originally posted by MRS FLYIN VEE
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word p e nis in tiny letters. she turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw in larger letters the word p enis again on the black board. Again she scanned the room for the guilty face and found none. so she proceeded with class.
Every morningfor about a week she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!":D
Now, that is funny:)

[throwerb]

Now I'll share one with you.
One day a man went up to his co-worker and said, "everyday you come to work with a big smile on your face, what's the deal with that?"
The co-worker looked back at the man and said with a big smile, " every morning before I leave for work my wife makes love to me."
The man replied " you got to be kidding me, whats your secret?"
"Well it's very simple you see, every morning when my true love awakens I tell her a little poem", the co-worker said.
"What do you mean you tell her a poem, what kind of sh it is that?"
The co-worker replied, " that's it all I do is tell her a poem something like this, golden hair, golden hair, eyes of blue, turn over my princess so I may make love with you."
The man laughed out loud and said, "Are you telling me if I try that with my wife it will work?"
His co-worker said, "it's worth a try, isn't it?"
The next day the man came up to his co-worker and said, " Man I should kick your ass!"
His co-worker turned and looked at him and said, " Oh my God, what happened to you, did someone beat you up?"
The man said, " I woke up this morning and did what you told me, and my wife beat the s h i t out of me!"
"You mean you told her a poem" the co-worker asked?
"Yeah, I thought about it all night, and finally came up with it."
His co-worker said,I don't understand this always works for me, tell me the poem you told her."
"OK the man said, but I don't see how it's going to help." "It went like this", Nappy head, Nappy head, bug eyes like a frog, roll over bitch so I can Phuck you like a dog."

[manuel]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, but the workmen were there.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

[Fiat48]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Big_Gunz_]

MAN vs WOMAN
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want, thinking she saved money.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument, she always wins.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument, this is very very true.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (oh no, did I really write that, LOL)
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[JetBoatRich]

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog

[JetBoatRich]

Amazing Things at Wal-mart.
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and adds his semen into the mixture for good measure. Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always, thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

[Big_Gunz_]

Subject: Exercise
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!