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HCS
08-25-2004, 12:18 PM
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

gigamurph
08-25-2004, 04:46 PM
That's not funny! I have a Daughter and a peanut in my ear but she doesn't have a boyfriend! :wink:
BTW, heard it before but it's still funny! Thanx!

Captain Dan
08-25-2004, 05:47 PM
That reminds me of a situation at NHRA in Pomona once. A good friend of mine, after drinking all day at the races, got an earplug shoved so far into his ear that he couldn't get it out. In his stupor, he was begging all of us to dig it out with a key, (the only pointy thing that we had).
We brought him to the paramedics at the finish line who extracted it for him, but not before he called all of his buddies over to have a look. It was hilarious.
I know this doesn;t have anything to do with stink finger, but my mind was wandering and I had to tell someone....... :rollside:

HCS
08-25-2004, 10:23 PM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

racecar.hotshoe
08-26-2004, 06:39 AM
A dad walks in on his son,and says if you keep doing that your going to go blind,the son said dad Im over here. :squiggle:

HCS
08-26-2004, 11:14 AM
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her was a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.

voodoomedman
08-26-2004, 05:12 PM
Rotflmao..

HCS
09-04-2004, 10:02 AM
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.

HCS
09-04-2004, 10:26 AM
The farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

ORSpectra20
09-04-2004, 11:00 AM
There was a Italian father and his three son's in the house and it was almost dinner time. The Father was wondering what to make for the kids and thought he would get a consensus from the kids so he walked up to his first son and asked;
"Son, What should we have for dinner???"
The first son replies "Pizza Father, You know Pizza is my favorite food."
The father says "O.K." and walks up to the second son and asks;
"Son, What should we have for dinner???"
The Second son replies "Pizza Father, You know Pizza is my favorite food."
The father says "O.K." and walks up to the third son and says;
"Son, What should we have for dinner???"
The Third son replies "P U S S Y Father, You know P U S S Y is my favorite food."
The father got a puzzled look and said "P U S S Y, P U S S Y tastes like S H I T!!!!!!"
The third son replies "But Father, You just a take a too big a Bites!!!!"

Krazy K
09-04-2004, 12:49 PM
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

Krazy K
09-04-2004, 01:00 PM
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."

wsuwrhr
09-04-2004, 01:36 PM
"Youth and skill are no match for old age and treachery."
Brian
The farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

HCS
09-05-2004, 11:48 PM
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.
"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.
"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
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.Matt!

DansBlown73Nordic
09-06-2004, 12:46 AM
This guy is sitting in a bar drinking all day. The bar tender noticed before each beer the guy pulls open his shirt pocket and then orders another beer.
The bar tender asked him why he looks in his pocket before each beer.
He replies I have a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good Im going HOME!!!!!!! :D

Kilrtoy
09-06-2004, 02:53 AM
Thanks Hradcore, Those were some funny jokes. I like the SON-IN-LAW one

ahhell
09-06-2004, 01:09 PM
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
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.Matt!
what do you call the same kid in a jacuzzi
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Stu

HCS
09-08-2004, 09:15 AM
A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"

izquik72
09-08-2004, 09:45 AM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying in a pile of leaves
Rustle

izquik72
09-08-2004, 09:46 AM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on the wall
ART

izquik72
09-08-2004, 09:47 AM
What do you call a man with no legs?
Shorty

izquik72
09-08-2004, 09:48 AM
What do you call a Woman with one leg shorter thanthe other
Eileen

izquik72
09-08-2004, 09:49 AM
What do you call a woman with no arms or legs that hangs around the beach all day
Sandy

bigerich
09-08-2004, 09:49 AM
what do you call a man with no arms and laegs water skiing??
SKIP

ALTERED-EAGLE
09-08-2004, 10:07 AM
Why do all new brides wear white?
So they match the rest of the appliances when you get them home.

diggler
09-08-2004, 10:42 AM
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
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.Matt!
I would name the kid "Cigarette", and take him for a drag!

JetBoatRich
09-08-2004, 11:26 AM
Blonde Moments!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The
route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for
airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's
route,
he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The
stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed,
"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says
'Do Not Disturb'!"

izquik72
09-08-2004, 12:05 PM
How do you catch a rare rabbit?
Unique up on it

Desert Rat
09-08-2004, 01:07 PM
What do you call a Woman with one leg shorter thanthe other
Eileen
What due you call a Oriental lady with one leg shorter than the other......
Ireen

Scream
09-08-2004, 02:06 PM
What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?
..
.Matt!
Hey, take it easy will ya...lol
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He has a set of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender walks up and says..."Ok buddy, I'll serve you today, but don't try to start anything..."
Rim shot!
Scream

bigerich
09-08-2004, 03:46 PM
What due you call a Oriental lady with one leg shorter than the other......
Ireen
What do you call a Mexican lady with no legs?
Kuntswaylow - Say it like a vato.

IN2-IN2MX
09-08-2004, 05:25 PM
Good stuff. :D

HCS
09-22-2004, 11:04 AM
Bill Gates dies and arrives in front of the Almighty Himself. God looks at him and says, "Bill, you did a lot of great things when you were on earth; you made computers affordable to the common man, and helped develop marvelous programs that ultimately benefited humanity. Because of this, I am offering you the chance to make the decision between spending eternity in Hell or Heaven."
Bill thinks this over a bit. The answer is obvious, he thinks, but there must be some logical reason why God would offer him such an option.
"Can I see what hell is like first before I make my decision?" he asks.
"Sure," God says. "Step on that cloud right there."
Bill does, and looks through a hole in the cloud and sees hundreds of naked women walking along a wonderful tropical beach. Bill couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"God, if this is hell, what is heaven like?" he asks.
"Step on that cloud," says God.
So Bill Gates steps onto another cloud and he is asked to look up. He sees angels floating among puffy clouds, singing beautiful hymns and playing golden harps.
Bill thinks for a moment and says, "well, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I really think I would like to go to hell."
"So be it," God said.
In a flash, Bill Gates finds himself in a state of agony. His neck is chained to a wall and his hands are tied behind him, and he is being tortured by dozens of horrible creatures. He looks up and pleadingly asks God, "This is a horrible mistake! What was with the beach and the naked women I saw when I was on that cloud?"
God responds, "Oh, that? It must have been the screensaver."

comin' unscrewed
09-22-2004, 11:17 AM
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

HCS
09-23-2004, 11:38 AM
Blonde joke.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

Keithb87
09-23-2004, 11:41 AM
I thought I posted this one yesterday...
What do you call a man in the lake with no arms or no legs???
BOB :messedup:

HCS
09-24-2004, 03:47 PM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
The next morning, the boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." :hammer2:

Krazy K
09-24-2004, 04:57 PM
"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."
She then goes around the room asking each child.
Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."
The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."
Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."
The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."
Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

Krazy K
09-24-2004, 04:59 PM
One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

HCS
09-25-2004, 10:12 AM
http://www.goyk.com/temp/potd/parking_spaces.jpg

HCS
09-25-2004, 10:44 AM
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

HCS
09-25-2004, 12:56 PM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

HCS
09-28-2004, 02:54 PM
The President of the United States of America...George Bush has a heart attack
and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no
room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who
leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I
could do that all day long."
The devil let him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and
a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after
time.
"No Way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the
floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said,"Yeah I
could handle this."
The devil smiled and said......... "Monica, you're free to go!"

Stranger
09-28-2004, 10:21 PM
How do you catch a rare rabbit?
Unique up on it
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Da tame way. :D :D

PuNaNy-PiRaTe
09-28-2004, 11:33 PM
Danm these are some funny azz jokes, i havent heard good stuff like this in while, me and my friend are sitting here laughing our asses off to these.
thanks hardcore and to the others keep them coming i cant wait for more to come

PuNaNy-PiRaTe'S PuNaNy
09-28-2004, 11:40 PM
F**K these are funny- im lol and my roomie keeps lookin at me like im crazy...cant wait 4 more, thanks for keepin it funny guys!!! ;)

PuNaNy-PiRaTe'S PuNaNy
09-28-2004, 11:40 PM
p.s.-im new to ***boat and this makes it worth it!

HCS
09-30-2004, 09:26 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral;
I'm a gynaecologist."
And that's when the proctologist fainted.

HCS
10-04-2004, 10:38 AM
Here's a couple more.
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

HCS
10-04-2004, 10:39 AM
HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with
nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften,
repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before
and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

HCS
10-05-2004, 10:04 PM
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

HCS
10-06-2004, 02:37 PM
"My wife's a water sign, I'm an earth sign;
together we make mud.
"I mean, she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive-
the refridgerator.
"It takes her an hour and a half to watch '60 minutes.
'Ok she's dumb.
"The other night she met me at the front door wearing
a see-through negligee. The only trouble is,
she was comming home.
"No respect - I don't get no respect at all.
Are you kidding?
Rodney Dangerfield.

73beast
10-06-2004, 05:04 PM
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on if they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. Charm school??" the first woman cried, " What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well, for one thing, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'

HCS
10-06-2004, 10:59 PM
A six year old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is preparing
a meal; "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping
noise coming out of your and daddy's room and when I look to see
what it is, you are sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and
down. Why do you do that?"
The startled mother quickly recovers and says, "Your dad is a
little overweight and I am trying to get him back to normal size.
I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says "Mom you're wasting
your time."
The mother says, "Why is that dear?"
The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice looking lady next
door comes over and blows daddy right back up."

HCS
10-06-2004, 11:04 PM
a tribute to R. Dangerfield
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1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy...
I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a
guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are
you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I
put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my
briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the
sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me My bath toys were
a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast
fed me She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture
of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything
we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly ..... My mother had morning sickness
AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted
more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and
asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you
think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid.
There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like
throwing up; What's wrong with me ?" He said...
"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few
drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him,
"How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a
cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call himEgypt because in every
room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those
times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for
birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in
his lap; he was in the electric chair.
22. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my
mother !!!
__________________

JustMVG
10-06-2004, 11:09 PM
Two Scientists are in the lab the first one asks the second what he was working on, he told him an Apple that tasted just like a woman,
the first scientists laughs and says no F n way, second Scientist says here try it, so the guy takes a bite spits it out and says it tastes like S h i t , the second scientist says turn it around!!!!
Best i could do so late Mike VG

HCS
10-06-2004, 11:16 PM
More RD. That's not Riverdave. :D
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her!
"What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"
If it weren't for pick pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.
My wife has to be the worst cook in my house, we pray after we eat.

ROZ
10-06-2004, 11:25 PM
To follow up with your RD joke#14...
So I'm standing at the egde of a bridge getting ready to jump. This preacher walks up to me and says, " take your mark..."
:D

JustMVG
10-06-2004, 11:47 PM
More RD
Sex For me is like my Steaks Very Rare........

HCS
10-15-2004, 03:18 PM
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening,
looking at the moon and talking. One blonde says to the other, "Which
do you think is farther away. . . . . . . . Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you
see Florida from here?"
:notam:

b's sanger
10-15-2004, 06:55 PM
You are in a night club and you ask a woman to dance, she responds "NO", I don't want to dance. You respond by saying no, you mis understood, I said you look fat in those pants :D :D :D

Thunderbutt
10-15-2004, 07:56 PM
The teacher caught Johnny jacking off and she told him it was a sin to do that, he responded with, if God didn't want us to do it,he wouldn't have made our arms so long.

likeFATHERlikeSON3
10-15-2004, 08:24 PM
young billy came bursting into his brothers room very worried. he screamed " Danny, Danny something's wrong with mom and dad! they are laying on top of each other yelling and moaning. Danny became flustered. Not knowing what to say he told billy " uhh...uhh.... dont worry...they are just making cupcakes." billy was releaved his parents were o.k. and went back to his room. a couple of nights later he came back into danny's room and said " danny, mom and dad were making cupcakes in the living room earlier today."
Danny asked him how he knew. billy said " because i licked the frosting off the couch after they were done!"

likeFATHERlikeSON3
10-15-2004, 08:26 PM
what do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffinated :cool:

likeFATHERlikeSON3
10-15-2004, 08:28 PM
last time i got some ass was when my finger broke through the toilet paper :D

FMluvswater
10-15-2004, 08:34 PM
what do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decaffinated :cool:
LMAO! :D

plaster dave
10-15-2004, 08:36 PM
Email I Recieved
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Got This Letter Emailed To Me I Thought You Guys Might Like It.
Subject: To All Potential Voters
To All Potential Voters
I Am A Concerned Seniors Citizen. When President Clinton Was In Office, I Had A Nice House, A Good Job With Many Benefits, Health Insureance And Even 2 Vaction Homes. In Short, Things Were Good.
Since President Bush Has Been In Office, I Have Lost My Job And My Health Insureance. I Have Also Lost 2 Sons In Iraq. To Add Insult To Injury I Am Now Homeless And Have Lost Everthing I Once Had, You And I Must Be Willing To Do Whatever John Kerry Asks Us To Do.
We Must Remove President Bush And Get A Democrat Back In The White House. Please Consider My Compelling Personal Story And Vote John Kerry Come Election Day.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein

FMluvswater
10-15-2004, 08:36 PM
last time i got some ass was when my finger broke through the toilet paper :D
LMFAO! I hope like hell you had a wetnap handy! :D ... right HammerDown? :D

switchin'addiction
10-15-2004, 09:59 PM
You know that sex feels a lot better for the woman than it does for the man don't you. If you don't believe me think about this. Next time you have an itch on the inside of your ear, and you stick your fingertip in there & rub it around to scratch that itch, what feels better your finger or your ear............

HCS
10-16-2004, 08:43 PM
SAME THOUGHT
Q: Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is receiving oral sex from a 90-year-old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?
A: Don't look down
TOUGHEST THING
Q: What's the toughest thing about Rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you're gay
FIRST THING
Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
ELEPHANTS
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A: An epileptic.
FIRST ENCOUNTER
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again!"
POLISH SAUSAGE
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would you, huh? Would you?" The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no." The guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
CRISCO
A man is wandering around a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Crisco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named Crisco?" the clerk asks. "No," he answered, "That's the name I use for her when we're in public. " "What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" asks the clerk. "Lard ass."
WEIGHT WATCHERS
A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied, "what's wrong with that?" The first woman said, "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
ANOTHER WOMAN
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing too fast."
FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW
The young man was so happy. He and his girlfriend had been dating for more than a year, so they decided to get married. The only thing bothering him was his fiance's mother. She was smart and beautiful, and would sometimes flirt with the young man, which made him uncomfortable. One day, his future mother-in-law called him and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. He went. She was alone, and when he arrived, she whispered that soon he was to be married, and she had lustful feelings for him that she couldn't overcome. She said that before the young man married her daughter, she wanted to make love to him just once. He was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." He watched her curves as she went up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and went to the front door, opened it and walked out of the house. To his surprise, the woman's husband was standing outside with tears in his eyes. He hugged the young man, saying how pleased he was that the young man had passed their little "test," The older man said, "We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in the car.
TASTES LIKE
Q: What does it taste like when you give oral sex to an 80-year-old woman?
A: Depends.
THE DIFFERENCE
The main difference between men and women is that women need a reason to have sex, and men just need a place.
THE DISCOVERY
A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!" The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?" The little girl replies, "No, it's salty."
TRAINS
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most
THIRD GRADE
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
MIKE
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
SMALL FEET
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink
WHAT'S WORSE
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told
ETERNITY
Q: What's the definition of "eternity"?
A: The length of time between when you finish and when she leaves.
IT'S EXPENSIVE
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
COUPLE IN A CAR
A cop was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing toward the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 12 minutes she'll be 17."
LONGER
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?
PUT YOUR COAT ON
The husband says, "Put your coat on, I'm going to the bar." His surprised wife says, "You're taking me out for a drink?" The husband says, "Don't be silly. I'm turning off the heat
A man runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Thelma! Pack up all your things. I just won the New York lottery!"
Thelma replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man replies, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.

Sleek-Jet
10-17-2004, 07:21 AM
Definition of pilot error?? A pregnant stewardess.
It's a sign of our times now, that a flight attendant can knock up a pilot.

HCS
11-02-2004, 03:41 PM
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting
naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped
out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

HCS
11-05-2004, 12:17 PM
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a gurney by a lady in a white dress and taken to the corridor.
Before they enter the operating room she leaves her in the hallway to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body.
He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.
The second man comes over and does the same examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just here to paint the hallway."

dicudmore
11-05-2004, 01:48 PM
good stuff HCS :D

HCS
11-26-2004, 10:12 AM
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..."

FMluvswater
11-26-2004, 10:27 AM
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..."
LOL! :D Nice!

Tahiti350
11-26-2004, 10:37 AM
A guy is walking down the street and hears the most amazing piano music, follows it into a nearby bar, and as he walks in he sees an 18" man playing the piano in the corner. He goes up to the bar, orders a beer, and asks the bartender about the piano player. Bartender says "Got him from the Genie in the lamp." The guy is dumbfounded, and askes what he means. Bartender tells him "See that old lamp on the wall? There's a genie in that lamp, if you rub it he will give you a wish". The guy walks over, rubs the lamp, and out pops the Genie. Next thing you know the whole bar is 4 feet deep in ducks. Bartender wades through the ducks, gets to the guy, grabs him by the shirt, and yells "What the F___ is up with all the ducks?". The guy just looks at the bartender and says "I don't know, I wished for a million Bucks". Bartender says "That figures, that damn Genie is half deaf, Do you think I asked for an 18" Pianist!". :sqeyes: :idea: :D
GAryB> Tahiti350

Tahiti350
11-26-2004, 11:04 AM
A penguin is riding his Harley across the country, and loses oil pressure in a little backwoods town in Nothern British Columbia that has no Harley shop. He calls the nearest one, who promise to have a truck there to pick the Penguin and his bike up within 2 hours. The penguin goes into the nearest Cafe and gets something to eat while he waits. When the truck show up he walks back to the bike. The mechanic, a Walrus, takes one look at the situation and says "Looks like you blew a seal". The Penguin wipes his mouth and replies " No, I just had some Ice Cream". :hammer2:
GaryB> Tahiti350

Tahiti350
11-28-2004, 05:03 AM
As the coals from my barbecue burned down, my ladyfriend passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks to our dinner guests. Just then, two
fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a
house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard,
down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized that we were all still holding our roasting forks with
marshmallows on them .....

NashvilleBound
11-28-2004, 06:14 AM
Theres a mama duck and a Baby duck and a Mama skunk and a baby skunk going to cross the road. The two mamas go to see if its clear and SPLAT....car comes by and no more mamas. The two babies look at each other and the baby Duck asks the baby skunk.."I'm too young, I dont know what I am?" The baby Skunk says..."you've got a bill, feathers, little tail....Your a Duck!" Baby Duck says "Thank you ,Thank You!" Baby Skunk says...."What am I?" Baby Duck.."well, lets see, Your not all black, your not all white and you stink REAL bad...Your a Mexican!" :jawdrop: :D

HCS
11-28-2004, 09:09 AM
That's bad. LOL. :D

HCS
11-29-2004, 02:44 PM
The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."
The Frenchman replies,
"zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling."

NashvilleBound
11-29-2004, 02:50 PM
You posted that just to poke fun at us southerners.....LMAO...That last one was one of my cleaner ones...dont make me use the good ones! :D

HCS
11-29-2004, 04:39 PM
You posted that just to poke fun at us southerners.....LMAO...That last one was one of my cleaner ones...dont make me use the good ones! :D
Might as well keep it on a roll. :shift:

HCS
11-29-2004, 09:58 PM
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thingI could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN -- (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she. (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

bunny 166
11-29-2004, 10:59 PM
I have not read this whole thread, so if I repeat a joke, sorry...
Why did the pervert cross the road?
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Because his d i c k was stuck in the chicken
(very un-bunny like!! I just had to, though :) )

HCS
11-30-2004, 09:17 AM
I have not read this whole thread, so if I repeat a joke, sorry...
Why did the pervert cross the road?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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Because his d i c k was stuck in the chicken
(very un-bunny like!! I just had to, though :) )
Nope. Hasn't been posted. Not alot of one liners posted. LOL.

NashvilleBound
11-30-2004, 09:28 AM
Whats the difference between a washing machine and a blonde?
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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..
The washing machine will NOT follow you around for a week after you dump a load in it!!!!!!!

JustMVG
11-30-2004, 11:11 PM
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand
she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
MVG :D :D

HCS
12-01-2004, 12:29 PM
Old people joke.lol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90.
The Hilton charges $140..
We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
__________________

atomickitn
12-01-2004, 05:45 PM
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting
naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped
out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
that is some funny s#it :D

atomickitn
12-01-2004, 06:01 PM
thanks still lmao, so a horse and a chickin are best friends and one day they were playing in the field, and the horse cot stuck in the mud hole, and yels to the chickin,quick go get the farmers bmw and pull mw out ,ill shurly die here, so the chick pulls out the horse. a couple of days later they are playing in the field again, this time the chick gets stuck in the mud and yells tto the horse quick go get the farmers bmw ill shurly die here, so the horse stradles the mud hole and says quick grab a hold of my dick and ill pull you out. well the moral of the story is ;; you dont need a bmw to pick up chicks if your hung like a HORSE.... :D

NashvilleBound
12-01-2004, 06:29 PM
:notam: :D

rrrr
12-03-2004, 09:46 AM
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow removal device?
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Give the b itch a shovel.
:D :D

HCS
12-29-2004, 11:09 AM
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house,slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

HCS
01-06-2005, 12:46 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen yelling: Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving .

HCS
01-07-2005, 12:12 PM
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know...
Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "
She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuc k, Etc."

HCS
01-07-2005, 12:20 PM
A group of women are sitting at a bar downtown. All are a bit tipsy and but not out of control. The feminist of the crew decides that she is going to play a little joke. She spots a man sitting by himself at a table away from the bar. She slides over to him, and has a seat at the table with the man. He says "Hi".
However, she says nothing with a plain look on her face for about 10 seconds. The man is puzzled. All of a sudden, at the top of her lungs, she yells "THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I WILL SLEEP WITH YOU!!!" and leaves the table to join her girlfriends. They are all laughing their collective asses of as she walks back up with a wide grin on her face.
After about 5 minutes, reality sets in and the woman begins to feel bad. As a couple of her friends go to the bathroom, she casually makes her way over to the guy, still sitting at the table.
"Sir, i'm very sorry for what I did. I meant it as a joke and to apologize, please let me buy you a drink" she says.
The guy stares at her for a few seconds and then yells at the top of his lungs, "FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!??!!?? GET THE **** AWAY FROM ME YOU FILTHY FUC KING HOOKER!!!"

HCS
01-07-2005, 12:22 PM
Health Insurance
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test
results.
The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry; sir, but we've had
a bit of problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the
lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're
not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news
or terrible news!"
"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other
Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which your
wife's test is."
"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross
Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.
"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

HCS
01-20-2005, 10:50 AM
Morning After
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks to himself, "Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night. What have I done?
It must have been a wild party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God, please let this be a tea bag."

HCS
02-21-2005, 09:52 PM
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Krazy K
02-22-2005, 12:32 AM
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
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A mosquito stops sucking you after you slap it!!

HCS
02-24-2005, 07:53 PM
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
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.
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A mosquito stops sucking you after you slap it!!
Nice. Beat the the blond chick joke.

HCS
03-01-2005, 12:02 PM
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
Hillary says,"How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
Hillary says,"How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Krazy K
03-01-2005, 02:30 PM
A newly married couple were on their honeymoon when the husband turns to the wife and says, "care to go upstairs for a shag?" "Shhhhh!" says the wife.
"These walls are paper thin, all the neighbors will know what we're up to! In the future we'd better ask each other in code. How about have you left the washing machine door open?"
That night when they're in bed, the husband asks the wife, "did you leave the washing machine door open?" "No, I definitely shut it," says the wife, rolls over and goes to sleep.
Later on the wife wakes up and feeling a bit amorous, she wakes the husband and says, "you know I think I did leave the washing machine door open, care to do some washing?"
"That's okay," replies the husband, "it was a small load and I've done it by hand!"

FMluvswater
03-05-2005, 11:07 PM
Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong.
Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only
to hear,
"Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long
has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say,
"Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen
anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your
ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his
ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20,
please! I am really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's
nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically
searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can
make a well-educated guess.
Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you
with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three
places."

HCS
03-05-2005, 11:40 PM
:D lol. Thanks. There's alot of good stuff on here!

FMluvswater
03-05-2005, 11:51 PM
:D lol. Thanks. There's alot of good stuff on here!
I was almost afraid to look and see a rotten tomato being slung at me for that one! :D

FMluvswater
03-05-2005, 11:59 PM
For I am a Princess
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray up, Bitch."

emjay
03-06-2005, 09:46 AM
A woman goes to the doctor because she has a small green
spot growing on the inside of her right thigh.
Her doc is baffled but prescribes antibiotics to help.
A week later she returns with the "green mole" getting larger.
Fearing cancer or some other disease, the doc sends out a
sample for testing.
Upon returning for her follow-up visit the doctor is elated
to tell her the "spot" is not "life threatening". He also gives
her a small packet of cream to put on the "spot" every night
before bed.
"So what's wrong with me?" she asks.
The doc says... "Apparently, your husband's earring is brass!"

FMluvswater
03-11-2005, 02:12 PM
"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers
"Well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
:D

HCS
05-04-2005, 08:50 AM
"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers
"Well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
:D
I almost posted that one. lol.

HCS
05-04-2005, 08:58 AM
((((RING))))
Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??"

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:26 PM
~~~~~~sign Posted At A Golf Club~~~~~
1 Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down.
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Please Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please...while Others Are Preparing To Go
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done - Now Flush The Urinal, Wash Your Hands, Go Outside, And Tee Off.

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:28 PM
A kindergarten teacher was showing flash cards of animals to her class, when one little girl seemed to be stumped. The teacher showed her a picture of a cat. "That's a kitty!" said the child.
The teacher showed her a picture of a horse.
"A horthie!" replied the girl.
Next the teacher showed her pupil a picture of a deer, whereupon the child looked confused.
"It's something your mommy calls your daddy," the teacher said helpfully.
Suddenly the little girl's face lit up and she exclaimed,
"Ohh, I know! It's a HORNY BATH-TARD!!!

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:30 PM
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a
different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole
crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space
travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and
uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the
geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when
we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What
the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:33 PM
Two men are in a public bath.
One notices the other has a cork up his bum. Nervously, he asks "Hey, would you like me to pull that out? It looks painful."
The other guy says "No, it won't come out."
"Why not?"
"Well, I found a genie's bottle on the beach one day. I rubbed it and the genie said "I'll give you one wish of anything you desire!""
"So what did you say?"
"I was struck with disbelief and said, "No shit?""
:2purples:

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:36 PM
Two bunnies were in the garden. The first bunny pulls a carrot and begins to eat it. He says to the second bunny "you know, this carrot is pithy." To which the second bunny responds: "Yeth, I know. I pithed on it."

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 08:39 PM
A brunette, a redhead & a blonde were all pregnant & in the Dr.s office for a routine checkup. While waiting they were talking about what the sex of their baby was going to be.
The brunette said "I know I am going to have a boy because my husband was on top."
The redhead said "Well I know I am going to have a girl because I was on top."
The blonde starts crying hysterically. The brunette & redhead ask her what the matter is & she replies:
"I'm having puppies!"

HCS
05-05-2005, 09:54 PM
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a
different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole
crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space
travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have
visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and
uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the
geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when
we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What
the hell are you doing for the next generation??"
Don't forget. Al Gore invented the internet. :hammer2:

FMluvswater
05-05-2005, 09:55 PM
Don't forget. Al Gore invented the internet. :hammer2:
:D :D :D

HCS
05-05-2005, 10:11 PM
Two men are in a public bath.
One notices the other has a cork up his bum. Nervously, he asks "Hey, would you like me to pull that out? It looks painful."
The other guy says "No, it won't come out."
"Why not?"
"Well, I found a genie's bottle on the beach one day. I rubbed it and the genie said "I'll give you one wish of anything you desire!""
"So what did you say?"
"I was struck with disbelief and said, "No shit?""
:2purples:
That wasn't Tom Brown was it? :D

HCS
05-06-2005, 03:31 PM
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
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.
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Pregnant.

JBmagic
05-11-2005, 10:34 AM
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car,( a drunk good old boy) from South Carolina, got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test." :D :D
...reprinted without permission from another board LOL

WaTchTheGelCoat
05-11-2005, 12:29 PM
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 01:04 PM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 01:05 PM
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 01:08 PM
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course,
I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is
drinking.Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip,
and I can't wait to get off this train."

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 01:09 PM
A small Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species, approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bubba showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1."First," Bubba said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Bubba stated, "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
:supp: :D

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 01:13 PM
Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy ironbar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine --which I
sank.
FRIDAY:
I dislike Belinda more than any human being has ever disliked any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me
off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Hal
05-13-2005, 01:59 PM
A man finds that he is unable to perform, after years of married life.
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So
the doctor refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use
it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and
I don't want to continue?" "All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it
will go down. But be warned: "It will not rise again for another year."
The guy goes home, ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves,
and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and
Is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection,
Just as the witch doctor said. His wife, facing the other way, turns
over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:02 PM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to
get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not
to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified
by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist..
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm
air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers
to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more
than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital
bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.
"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:03 PM
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was
> having
> with his stubborn girlfriend.
>
>
> "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man
> exclaimed.
>
> "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss.
> "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."
>
> Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work.
>
> Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:10 PM
.....South Dakota Farmer and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Coyote "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Coyote Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
first I kick you three tim es and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you
old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
duck."

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:16 PM
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he
had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:23 PM
Do Not Talk To My Parrot!!!!!!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Hal
05-13-2005, 02:28 PM
The definition between "guts" and "balls"!
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

Huckleberry
05-13-2005, 02:34 PM
Some funny jokes to start off the weekend!!! Thanks for the chuckles! :D :D :D

FMluvswater
05-13-2005, 03:37 PM
LOL! Great jokes Hal! Thanks! :D :D :D

FMluvswater
05-19-2005, 01:43 PM
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that
he's being watched by a midget. Although the little
fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get
uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds
to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the
nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget
and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says
the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real
harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches
out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly,
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder."

FMluvswater
06-02-2005, 09:29 PM
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"They won't let me fart."

FMluvswater
06-04-2005, 01:31 AM
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new spouse and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Why are drivers' education classes in Redneck schools only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the car is needed for the Sex Ed class.

Rexone
06-04-2005, 01:36 AM
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that
he's being watched by a midget. Although the little
fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get
uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds
to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the
nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget
and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says
the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real
harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches
out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly,
"Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder."
FM this one belongs in BR, right up their alley. :notam:
:D

FMluvswater
06-04-2005, 01:44 AM
FM this one belongs in BR, right up their alley. :notam:
:D
Time to come out of the corner again. :wink:

FMluvswater
06-09-2005, 02:07 AM
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her
to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't
know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?
She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that
night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on,and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is
wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

FMluvswater
07-03-2005, 11:34 AM
"Lost in WalMart"
Two old guys are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy
says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help
you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years
old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big
busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does
your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, ---
let's look for yours."
__________________________________________________ ____________
"Golfing Memories"
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with
a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried,
and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had
to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old
gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join
him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He
didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man
found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine
tree right in front of his ball - directly between his
ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how
to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when
I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
where it had originally lay.
The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of
course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only
3 feet tall."
__________________________________________________ ____________
"Bark!"
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking
along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat
runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.
"Now do you see why it's important to learn
a foreign language?"
__________________________________________________ _____________
"Help Wanted"
A local business was looking for office help. They
put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted
up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He
looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air. The receptionist called the office
manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see
a canine applicant. However, the dog looked
determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at
the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't
hire you. The sign says you must be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager,
gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That
was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says
that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer
and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet
and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the
dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent
applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog
-- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the
window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal
Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what
the sign says. But the sign also says you have to
be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Meow!!!"
__________________________________________________ __________
"Family Decision"
One day, after a man had his annual physical,
the doctor came out and said, "You had a great
check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk
about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting
a vasectomy."
"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over
with your family?"
"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it
15 to 2." :supp:

FMluvswater
07-03-2005, 11:50 AM
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says,
"Sorry - we don't serve food in here."
****
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
****
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
****
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
****
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
****
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Good God man!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?"
"Like a glove."
****
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Boy Named Sue
07-04-2005, 11:28 PM
I tell awful jokes, awfully.
A blonde walks into the pro shop at the golf course and rents clubs, but turns down a golf cart, a caddy, and lessons. About 20 minutes later she returns to the pro shop in tears.
"I got stung by a bee! I got stung by a bee!"
Dropping everything, the golf pro asks, "Where did you get stung?"
"Between the first and second holes." , the blonde replies.
"Sounds like your stance is too wide" say the pro.

FMluvswater
07-04-2005, 11:32 PM
:D LOL!

Boy Named Sue
07-04-2005, 11:37 PM
It gets worse.

FMluvswater
07-04-2005, 11:39 PM
It gets worse.
:idea: :confused: :D

Boy Named Sue
07-04-2005, 11:52 PM
A proud father is at work when he gets a call from his wife.
"Do you know what your son has done this time!?"
"He's only in sixth grade, what could he possibly have done?" asks the father.
"He has been sent home from school for having sex!" the horrified mother answers.
"My son has been caught at school having sex!" proclaims the prooud father to his co-workers.
Right before lunch the next day the proud father sees his son walking up with his lunch pail and says in a loud voice, "Jimmy, I see you brought me my lunch that I forgot. Why are you not at school? Did you get caught having seX?
"Not today daddy", said Jimmy, "My butt was too sore!"

FMluvswater
07-05-2005, 12:18 AM
A proud father is at work when he gets a call from his wife.
"Do you know what your son has done this time!?"
"He's only in sixth grade, what could he possibly have done?" asks the father.
"He has been sent home from school for having sex!" the horrified mother answers.
"My son has been caught at school having sex!" proclaims the prooud father to his co-workers.
Right before lunch the next day the proud father sees his son walking up with his lunch pail and says in a loud voice, "Jimmy, I see you brought me my lunch that I forgot. Why are you not at school? Did you get caught having seX?
"Not today daddy", said Jimmy, "My butt was too sore!"
OMG! :2purples: :D

FMluvswater
07-05-2005, 12:25 AM
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y29/flone/cutepics/catbutterbread.jpg
Question: If, when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped it?
Answer: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat- twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred cats.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red- hot starship and irritated aliens crash on top of them.

Boy Named Sue
07-05-2005, 12:44 AM
Not sure what to do with this one.

FMluvswater
07-05-2005, 12:52 AM
Not sure what to do with this one.
I'm thinking many are there with you ... I however knew just what to do I laughed my damn ass off until I hurt! :D The buttered bread law is a force so much stronger than I ever imagined! :D Cat powered alien ships omfg! The absurdity/plausibility kills me! :D

rivergoer
07-05-2005, 02:19 AM
that shiat if funny!!!!

FMluvswater
07-16-2005, 11:52 PM
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She
wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time
passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great
time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go
from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it
in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)

Blown Spectra
07-16-2005, 11:59 PM
a man wakes one morning and notices that a penis has grown on his forhead. makes it to the doctor and ask's, "hey Doc what can we do about this?" Doc says have you been to italy? NO, have you been to Canada? NO, have you been to New York? dam it Doc what the hell those this have to do with a penis on my forhead? Doc says travel the world before the balls grow.

FMluvswater
07-17-2005, 12:24 AM
a man wakes one morning and notices that a penis has grown on his forhead. makes it to the doctor and ask's, "hey Doc what can we do about this?" Doc says have you been to italy? NO, have you been to Canada? NO, have you been to New York? dam it Doc what the hell those this have to do with a penis on my forhead? Doc says travel the world before the balls grow.
LMFAO! :D :D :D

piper
07-17-2005, 12:28 AM
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car. She
wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time
passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great
time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go
from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it
in just a few seconds!"
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday)
HA! :D

HCS
07-17-2005, 08:02 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

FMluvswater
07-17-2005, 08:19 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v56/FMluvswaterbabe/giggle.gif

stoker
07-17-2005, 08:29 AM
A guy goes to the doctor to finally address his stuttering problem. He says DDDDock....yyyyou gotttta help me. I ccccan no longer go on wwwwwhith this stuuuttter. The doctor agrees to to try and help the poor guy. After an extensive examination, the doctor tells the guy the reaon he stutters is because his penis is 3" too long. The patient says if it will help my stuttering, go ahead and remove the extra 3". After a few weeks the guy returns to the dockors office and says "doc, the surgery worked great, I don't stutter at all."
But, my sex life SUCKS! I want the 3" back! The doctor replies " I can't do that, a ddddeal is a dddeal.

HCS
08-18-2005, 10:39 AM
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

FMluvswater
09-25-2005, 11:44 AM
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.
"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased, "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained, "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

FMluvswater
09-25-2005, 11:48 AM
It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July."
He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician.
Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in.
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

FMluvswater
09-25-2005, 11:54 AM
A Pool for My Baby
The rich tycoon bought a luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation.
It was large and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.
All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing up some painting.
The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh, daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"

FMluvswater
09-25-2005, 11:58 AM
Grab Those Puppies!
The woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini to the deep.
More than a little embarrased she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.
Upon entering the parking lot a little boy who was following his mother to the beach asked, "Are you carrying puppies in there?", pointing to her arms.
Not wanting to explain what had really happened the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

HCS
09-25-2005, 03:30 PM
I like that one. Has a good visual.

FMluvswater
10-04-2005, 07:10 PM
Couple of Q & A quickies ... :D
Q. What's the downside to a threesome?
A. You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you know when you're really ugly?
A. Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

HCS
10-04-2005, 09:41 PM
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

02HoWaRd26
10-04-2005, 09:47 PM
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her was a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.
Thats great :shift:

wanna B V
10-06-2005, 04:00 AM
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:02 AM
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:05 AM
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

HCS
10-12-2005, 11:44 AM
Good one! lmao. :D

HCS
10-12-2005, 11:54 AM
A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.
Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed, "Again?"
The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain.
I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do?"
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...Some things you just can't explain."

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:56 AM
:D :D :D

FMluvswater
10-18-2005, 10:24 AM
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about
it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring
him back to reality,
whispering:......
Dave.............
..............you're a vet".

HCS
10-18-2005, 10:42 AM
Ooooohhhhh that's bad. :D Funny though. lol.

76ANTHONY
10-18-2005, 10:58 AM
lmao, hahahahaha :D

pjones
10-18-2005, 11:13 AM
What's the difference between a chorus of Vegas showgirls
and a three ring circus?
One's a cunning array of stunts... the other is a stunning array of
****s....

HCS
10-22-2005, 10:22 AM
A young boy comes home from school and asks his father,"dad, can you tell me what the difference between Theory and Reality?" his father replies,"yes son i can, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars." the boy does so and says,"mom said she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars." so the father replies,"alright now go ask your sister if she would sleep with an entire high school football team for 1 million dollars." the boy does so and replies,"dad she said she would sleep with an entire high school football team for 1 million dollars." the father sits down and says,"well son in Theory our family is worth 2 million dollars, but in reality we live with two whores."

FMluvswater
10-23-2005, 01:01 AM
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Hal
10-23-2005, 01:30 AM
:D :D :D

FMluvswater
10-23-2005, 07:05 PM
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It's getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don't we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
:eek: :D

FMluvswater
10-23-2005, 07:08 PM
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Said
“F u c k him, he’s only an egg!”
Simple Simon met a pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
“What have you got there?”
Said the pieman unto Simon,
“Pies, you dickhead!”
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her -
but Little Boy Blue and his horn!
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt –
‘twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often!

FMluvswater
10-25-2005, 01:05 PM
Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak
over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off
huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

wanna B V
11-02-2005, 10:09 AM
Blonde Dieting
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
***

FMluvswater
11-04-2005, 09:52 AM
Woman's Ass Size Study
The results of a recent survey have been released. It was a poll on how women felt about the size of their ass. The findings of the study are very interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big.
10% of women think their ass is too small.
5% of women say that they don't care, they love him, and would have married him anyway.

FMluvswater
11-05-2005, 12:37 PM
A Posh Hotel holds 3 weddings on the same day and at the end of the night, the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of beers.
One questions the other two,
"Listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... DO IT ???
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up,
"Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first nights marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sitting with us"
"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it", offers another groom.
They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit disheveled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order,
"Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders,
"I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"
The waitress gets to the last groom.
"I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..."
he takes a deep breath,
"SEVEN, yes, SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit, whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor schlong must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress, "Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."
She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again...
"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"
:supp: :D

HCS
11-09-2005, 05:30 PM
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played.
Unfortunately she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and put them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".

soupersonic
11-09-2005, 06:50 PM
A Sailor, wearing his dress whites, steps into a public restroom. A young boy about eleven years old is by the urinal and says, 'Gee mister. That's the biggest dick I ever saw!' The sailor is proud of his tool so he says, 'Thanks kid.' As he leaves the restroom he places his white hat onto the boys head. A Marine steps into the restroom and whips out his wanger to take a leak. The young boy says, 'Gee mister that's the biggest dick I ever saw!' The Marine says, 'Thanks kid. Do you want to suck it?' The boy takes a step back and says 'Hey! This ain't my hat!'

FMluvswater
11-13-2005, 10:20 PM
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

FMluvswater
11-13-2005, 10:23 PM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

FMluvswater
11-16-2005, 07:08 PM
Sex Problem
A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc". "Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day". "Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc. "No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack. "No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor. "No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..". "No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc. "Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

H2OT TIMES
11-16-2005, 11:45 PM
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed! by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

FMluvswater
11-17-2005, 02:54 AM
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began
to yell and scream, "Where did you get that
car???!!!
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche
costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name;
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my
bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go
right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy' s father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly
planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to
whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars
and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned
from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really
doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was
stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
So I did."

Boy Named Sue
11-17-2005, 06:00 PM
The lesbian couple went to their adopted daughter's school bake sale.
"We thought we would donate some of our famous pickle bread!" , said the lipstick lesbian.
"What do you use to make that?", asked the daughter's teacher.
"Dill dough", replied the bull dike.
Ba dum bum

FMluvswater
11-17-2005, 06:36 PM
Yeah I got some dough for ya Suey ... DOH! LOL! :D :wink:
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different
about me?'
Bessie looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?'
Bessie looks up and says, 'Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.'
Furious, Sam yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!'
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, 'Wish you'da bought a hat, Sam. Ya really shoulda bought a hat.'

HCS
11-17-2005, 07:30 PM
Yeah I got some dough for ya Suey ... DOH! LOL! :D :wink:
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different
about me?'
Bessie looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into
the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?'
Bessie looks up and says, 'Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow.'
Furious, Sam yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!'
To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, 'Wish you'da bought a hat, Sam. Ya really shoulda bought a hat.'
Sam needed to buy a hat. :D

FMluvswater
11-23-2005, 06:14 AM
What do you call the "Clinton Administration"?
A: The Sex Between The Bushes

Boy Named Sue
12-13-2005, 07:23 PM
First I boned a chicken.
Then I boned a herring and created an ugly love triangle.

HCS
12-30-2005, 10:40 PM
http://elvis.rowan.edu/~reimj40/dans%20folder/orlysextape.gif

FMluvswater
01-08-2006, 01:06 AM
A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

FMluvswater
01-20-2006, 12:38 AM
How do you make God laugh?
Announce, "This is MINE!"

Boy Named Sue
02-19-2006, 04:50 PM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small..
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Boy Named Sue
03-05-2006, 11:23 AM
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

HCS
03-11-2006, 01:45 PM
:D :D :D :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”
Receptionist:"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”
Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town; and if she finds her way home, don’t **** her.”

FMluvswater
03-17-2006, 11:15 PM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why's the groom wearing black?"

G-Body
03-22-2006, 02:06 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

wanna B V
03-26-2006, 07:08 PM
Dear Tech Support:
>
>Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
>that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up
>a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
>installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other
>system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football
>5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
>I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
>run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
>Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please
>help!
>
>Thanks,
>Troubled User (KEEP READING)
>
>_____________________________________
>REPLY:
>Dear Troubled User:
>
>This is a very common problem that men complain about.
>
>Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that
>it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
>OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
>It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
>7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from
>the system once installed.
>
>You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
>not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
>Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0
>and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
>background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
>augmentation.
>
>The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE
>because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
>before the system will return to normal anyway.
>
>Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
>maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as
>Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
>
>However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
>will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
>happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
>purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds
>5.0 !
>
>WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
>Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
>will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
>
>Best of luck,
>Tech Support

Boy Named Sue
03-30-2006, 09:00 PM
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the
penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at
such a young age the father replied, "It...it was only a bug"
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment
she said...."Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

HCS
06-14-2006, 09:20 PM
^^^^ :rolleyes:

HCS
06-14-2006, 09:29 PM
HOW DO CRAZY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THE FOREST?
They take the Psycho path.
HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the Hell out of it.
WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam!
WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
Polaroids.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick.
WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho Cheese.
WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.
WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quatro Sinko.
WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.
WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef.
WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers.
WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.
WHY DO A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes, whack, dang it! And a bad skydiver goes, dang it, whack!
HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.
HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way...
WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.
HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND AN ARKANSAS DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND HOOVER?
The location of the dirt bag.

HCS
06-14-2006, 09:41 PM
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother, Mrs. Goldberg, he has fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says to his mother, "Just for fun, Ma, tomorrow I'm going to bring three women to your house to meet you, and you can try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
Of course, Mrs. Goldberg agrees.
The next day he brings three beautiful women into his mother's house and sits them all down on her couch.
They chat for a while with Mrs. Goldberg, who serves them coffee and pastries.
That evening, after the three women have left Mrs. Goldberg's home, the son says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The redhead."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

HCS
06-14-2006, 09:44 PM
The Preacher is Leaving
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......"Screw the preacher!"

HCS
06-14-2006, 09:47 PM
Situations Hallmark doesn't cover:
1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.
2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.
6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!
7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).
14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

Goober
06-14-2006, 10:08 PM
“When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.”

HCS
06-20-2006, 10:26 PM
“When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.”
Great first post! Back in the day, you'd get 5 stars.

HCS
06-30-2006, 06:58 AM
Courtesy of HDD.
-------------------
:D
$100 TATTOO
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in
the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

FMluvswater
07-14-2006, 01:37 PM
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she
belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."
The girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend
down and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the Boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

womba
07-15-2006, 12:43 AM
Did you hear about the most popular guy in the nudist colony?
He can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and carry a dozen donuts.
Did you hear about the most popular woman in the nudist colony?
She can eat the last donut.

Boy Named Sue
07-18-2006, 06:05 PM
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right
behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how
would she know they went home early.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and
crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned
to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Troy McClure
07-19-2006, 04:08 PM
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side
is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at
the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping
kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion
running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do
to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
-
-
-
-
-=
]---
-
-
-
-
-
Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round :220v:

Boy Named Sue
08-05-2006, 10:20 PM
TWO SISTERS
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her
sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need
her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul
it home."The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable'?"The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The
word's big. She'll read it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".

whoya
08-05-2006, 10:42 PM
I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

whoya
08-05-2006, 10:43 PM
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of distant thunder
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

FMluvswater
09-23-2006, 10:59 PM
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other,
"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked,
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said,
"Sorry, I don't live around here."