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Keithb87
10-26-2004, 09:02 AM
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross! they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...
teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and
our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker
.....Priceless :D :D :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :D :D

Her454
10-26-2004, 09:06 AM
Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!:):):)

BarryMac
10-26-2004, 09:09 AM
That is some funny stuff right there...

Big_Gunz_
10-26-2004, 09:12 AM
funny funny :D :D

TRG
10-26-2004, 09:20 AM
that is something your son along with the entire family will cherish for the rest of their lives!
:D goood stuff!

waterwitch
10-26-2004, 09:41 AM
Oh my god! I am cracking up! Not for
just what happend, but the way you
wrote this!
Classic!! Thanks for a good laugh! :D

spectratoad
10-26-2004, 09:49 AM
That is hilarious. Now when my kids bring lizards home I will never look at them the same again. :cool:

91nordic29
10-26-2004, 09:50 AM
i just kept thinking " dont lizards lay eggs?" :idea:

Mrs.Racer277
10-26-2004, 10:00 AM
I can't even type thru all the tears I am laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing that story. :)

RexRathburn
10-26-2004, 10:03 AM
:rollside: Ha ha...that was too funny! Thanks for sharing! :rollside:

That Guy
10-26-2004, 10:26 AM
Now I'm in trouble at work...you made me laugh out loud while I was supposed to be on a conference call.....LMAO :boxed: :rollside: :crossx:

Keithb87
10-26-2004, 10:35 AM
This did not happen to me... It is a joke my sister sent me via e-mail.. :D

topless
10-26-2004, 12:29 PM
This did not happen to me... It is a joke my sister sent me via e-mail.. :D
LMAO!!!!!!!!!! I heard it once but only with hampsters. Still focking funny. :D

OGShocker
10-26-2004, 12:48 PM
This did not happen to me... It is a joke my sister sent me via e-mail.. :D
That is what all the cross species queers say....LOL!!! :D ROFLMAO!

Tremor Therapy
10-26-2004, 12:52 PM
LMFAO!
Oh boy....I bet you can't wait! 20 years from now, all the kids over for the holidays, and mom breaking out the dad grabbing the lizards tallywacker story! Damn.....Ahhhh, the memmories! :sqeyes:

SoCalHD
10-26-2004, 02:20 PM
I laughed so hard that I now have the entire office looking at my computer to see what was so damn funny!!!

bunny 166
10-26-2004, 02:30 PM
That was frickin' funny...my kids wanna know what I'm laughing at, but it'll have to stay between me and the other hot boat members... :D :D :D

AZKC
10-26-2004, 02:46 PM
This did not happen to me... It is a joke my sister sent me via e-mail.. :D
Sure it didn't ;) Your stories safe with us :D
Damn funny though.

Stealth Marine
10-26-2004, 04:03 PM
Only here on ***boat would you ever get a story like that!
It has to be something to do with the boater mentality that we are all just loosing it while reading this !

havalen
10-26-2004, 04:08 PM
oh what you will do for your kids.your a great dad :p :p

sanger rat
10-26-2004, 04:21 PM
Gives new meaning to: Drain the lizzard. :jawdrop:

ahhell
10-26-2004, 04:30 PM
that was too funny, all the time i was reading it i was thinking of my sons "lizard" and thinking of the possibility yanking its wanker..well not yanking it....and having it take a bite outta my hand
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/1518111_1138.JPG

mike37
10-26-2004, 04:36 PM
now thats some funny ass stuff you whacking off a lizard
LMAO is this you look after the dock told you :2purples: or this :eek:

IN2-IN2MX
10-26-2004, 04:42 PM
Very friggen funny (and gross) :)

FOURQ
10-26-2004, 06:01 PM
Omfg Thats Funny Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LUVNLIFE
10-26-2004, 06:04 PM
Lizard Porn.....Priceless :D