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havasu boat builder
02-14-2002, 09:22 PM
what does a woman, fire, and a hurricane have in common............................................ .................................................. ....................................sooner or later, one of them will get your house

audiophan
02-27-2002, 12:49 AM
my addition:
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car
available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car
and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped !"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
...............w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h!
Something whips by him, going much faster ! !
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari
up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and
passes the Moped at 275 mph.
...............W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h !
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The
Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I
can do for you ?
" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from
your side-view mirror."

Catatonic
02-27-2002, 08:55 AM
Guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
"How will I recognize him?" the rancher asks.
"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So the rancher shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the rancher picks up the midget who gives the
horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So the rancher picks the little fella up again and shows
him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty pissed off by this
point, but he picks the midget up again and shows him
the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs the midget
under his arm and jams the his head as far as
he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams
him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephwase that," the midget said.
"CAN I THEE HER WUN AWOUND A WIDDLE
BIT?"

B-rad502
02-27-2002, 12:47 PM
What's the difference between a "boner" and a "bonus."
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Well, your wife will blow your bonus! http://free.***boat.net/ubb/smile.gif

grog
02-27-2002, 02:09 PM
Husband's note on refrigerator to wife: "Someone from Guyna College called.
Said Pabst Beer is normal".
grog

kevinb
02-27-2002, 02:27 PM
You may have seen this already, but here:
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22ft going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. http://free.***boat.net/ubb/smile.gif

Catatonic
02-27-2002, 02:42 PM
When I heard it, the boat was driven by two midgets and a blonde. Kevin, just busting your chops but I have heard that urban legend for quite a few years now and it alway seems to get a little taller.

Maverick
02-27-2002, 05:17 PM
You know what happens to a lawyer if he takes VIAGRA???
He gets taller.....

Stupid Fast
02-27-2002, 07:34 PM
Originally posted by Catatonic:
When I heard it, the boat was driven by two midgets and a blonde. Kevin, just busting your chops but I have heard that urban legend for quite a few years now and it alway seems to get a little taller.
This one time at band camp....I mean at the ramp, as I was putting my boat in, There were 4 girls puting in one of those seadoo 16' jet boats. I tied up my boat and went and parked my truck. When I got back to the ramp I saw thet they were having trouble starting the boat. As a fellow boater I went over to help(at severe protest of my wife) When I got over there I recognized one of them from a strip club(many moons ago). So here I am in a jet boat with four strippers, my wife on the pier and the thing would not start. I pulled the engine cover. There was about 14" of water in the bilge. The battery, coil, and starter were totaly covered with water and it was risinh fast. I asked the girls if they put the the plug in. The one girl swore up abd down that she had. By now the water was about 5 minutes from coming over the transom. I hooked it back to the trailer and tod the girl to pull it out befor it sank. Her jeep wanna be(2x4) couldnt pull it out. It just slid sideways. I ran up and got my truck and pulled them both out. When I walked around the back of the boat I was shocked. The girl said "see I told you I put the plug in. The snout of the pump had a dust cover on it!!!! That was the plug. The drain hole was wide open!!!! When I showed it to her she said "will this fit in there" There it was, The brass plug. It was in her purse. I ended up geting it running after an hour(with a little help from WD).
I Know It's not a joke, But why does this type of thing only happen AFTER you get married? Plus everyone likes a story with strippers.

spectra75
02-28-2002, 03:13 AM
This is a classic. It was about 1975,76 at Lake Castiac. I had an old Anthony flat at the time. It was late afternoon in the summer and the wind was starting to kick up. My buddy and I just retrieved the Anthony and we noticed a new Cadillac with boat trailer pull up and start to back down the launch ramp. The driver of the Cadillac, a black guy(not that there's anything wrong with that)had his arm and head hanging out the window trying to back the car down the ramp. He was having a little difficulty, which is always amusing, making several attempts and jacknifing the rig several times. Deciding this was live intertainment, we broke out the beach chairs and beer and figured we'd enjoy the show. Then we looked out to the lake and saw a brand new, low profile jet boat, wet headers, fancy paint, real sharp! The black guy driving the boat was obviously inexperienced in driving a jet. He kept stabbing the throttle and shifting from forward to reverse in an attempt to maneuver the boat at low speeds, with NO success. These guys were way out of their eliment. The guy in the Cadillac finally got the trailer somewhat in the water. The guy in the boat tried to line up with the trailer but each time the wind would blow him past the trailer. He was able to back out before being blown up the ramp. He tried and tried to get the boat on the trailer and each unsuccessful attempt made him more frustrated. You could almost hear the boat salesman telling this guy the benifits of owning a jet. "Yep, Ya just drive it up on the trailer. No sweat!" Every time the boat would get close, the guy on shore would try to grab it but he didn't want to go to far into the water, The boat would be just within reach when the driver would panic and reverse the boat bouncing over the fenders of the trailer. All the while they were yelling back and forth, telling each other what to do and cussing each other out. This was incredible, you could sell tickets to this. Finally the guy on shore, who was back in the car looking backwards, yelled "Hit it". The guy in the boat was as close as he had been all day and "hit it." The boat lurched forward with the bow stricking the trunk of the car. The boat continued up on the car and and was at about a 45 degree angle when the pump got tangled up with one of the cross members on the trailer, which would not let the boat slide back down. You should have seen the guy in the car. His eyes were the size of dinner plates and he was yelling up a storm of profanities. Must've been his car. The guy in the boat was hanging on the steering wheel for dear life. My buddy and I were rolling on the launch ramp laughing. This had to be the funniest thing I'd seen in my life. After these two knuckleheads talked for awhile, they decided to back the car into the water in an attempt to float the boat. No way. All they did was manage to fill in up the ass end with water. Truly a CLASSIC.
spectra75

HavasuDreamin'
03-01-2002, 10:04 AM
Heard this one a couple of years ago . . .
A blind rabbit and blind snake come across each others paths in the woods. Startled, they back off for a minute until the rabbit says gee, what are you? The snake replies, I don't know . . I am blind. What are you says the snake . . . the rabbit replies well I don't know because I am blind too. Hmm . . . the snake says . . . well why don't we feel each other and then maybe we will be able to tell one another what we are. The rabbit says okay, you go first. The snake starts to feel the rabbit and says . . your soft, furry, you have large soft ears, and a small fuzzy tail . . why your a RABBIT! Wow, the rabbit says . . I never knew that. . . now I will feel you. You are long, slender, you have scales, you kind of slither along and you are slimy and greasy! Why you are a LAWYER! http://free.***boat.net/ubb/biggrin.gif