PDA

View Full Version : Random jokes (I'm bored)



IN2-IN2MX
02-02-2005, 07:28 PM
I'm bored outta my mind. Mike went to play ball and I am sick today.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the shiat out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like..... Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
************************************************** ********
Got Marriage?
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
************************************************** ********
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot".
************************************************** ********
John was invited to dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with such endearing terms as : Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetie Pie, Pumpkin and etc.... The couple had been married for well over 40 years and clearly they were very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, John leaned over to his friend and said: I think that it is wonderful that , after all these years, you
still call your wife those loving pet names. The fella hung his head, " I have to tell you the truth he said." "I forgot her name about 10 years ago..."
************************************************** ********
The Future of Ordering Pizza
> Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
> ID number?
>
> Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
>
> Operator: I must have your NINDA first, sir
>
> Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
> 6102049998-45-54610.
>
> Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
> Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
> Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
> E-mail address is Sheehan@home.net . I see you're calling me from
> home.
>
> Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
>
> Customer: The HSS, what is that?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
> will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
>
> Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your
> All-Meat Special pizzas.
>
> Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
>
> Customer: Whaddya mean?
>
> Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
> you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
> Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
> choice.
>
> Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
>
> Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
> Like it.
>
> Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
>
> Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
> Local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
>
> Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then.
>
> Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids.
> your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
>
> Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
> your credit card balance is over its limit.
>
> Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
> driver gets here.
>
> Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
> overdrawn also.
>
> Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
> ready. How long will it take?
>
> Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
> minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up
while
> you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle
> can be a little awkward.
>
> Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
>
> Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your
> Car got reposessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled
the
> tank yesterday.
>
> Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
>
> Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
> got a July
> 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in
> September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh
yes,
> I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
> Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
> society?
>
> Customer: (speechless)
>
> Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
>
> Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke..
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us
> From offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
> this...Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"

AngryJosh
02-02-2005, 07:29 PM
Funny stuff. :rollside: :rollside:

FMluvswater
02-02-2005, 07:40 PM
Repost ...
Three Tortoises
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,
He turns to Andy,
"Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
"YOU BASTARDS, I KNEW IT! ... I'M NOT FUC KING GOING!"

IN2-IN2MX
02-02-2005, 07:55 PM
That is so cute! Thanks FM :)

FMluvswater
02-02-2005, 08:13 PM
Hope you feel better soon IN2-IN2MX. :) Here's another repost ... it's a bit of a read but it remains my all time favorite story-joke. :cool:
What did you get for your duck?
Rated NC-17/R
A farmer sat his three teenaged sons down and told them they needed to learn the value of livestock and the value of money.
He gave each of them a duck and told them to go sell their ducks for as much money as possible. Whoever made the most money could keep the money and wouldn't have to do chores for a week.
The three boys headed to town each determined to make the most money.
The eldest boy went to the local petshop and really gave a hard sell to make it sound like the duck was a spectacular pet so the shop owner caved, grudgingly gave the boy ten dollars for the duck and sent him on his way.
Meantime the middle boy went to the backdoor of the most expensive restaurant in town and offered up the duck to the chef. After a brief heated discussion the chef relented and bought the duck for fifteen dollars and shooed the boy away.
Meantime the youngest boy was still looking for someone to buy his duck. He wasn't having any sort of luck at all. With his head hanging in defeat he began his long trek back to the farm still clutching his duck. It was a particularly hot day and about half way home he was feeling mighty thirsty so he stopped off at another farm to ask for a drink. An attractive woman in her late 30's answered the door. He politely asked for a drink of water. She saw how hot and tired he was and invited him in for lemonade instead. She asked about the duck and he explained the situation. She confided to him that she was recently widowed and very lonely. She explained all she could spare for the duck was $5 but if he was interested she'd have sex with him as well.
The boy was pleasantly surprised by this offer and they went at it. Afterward the woman looked at him and made him another offer. He could keep the $5 and she'd give him the duck back so he could get a better price on it if he was willing to have sex with her again. He happily agreed and they went at it again.
He left the farmhouse grinning with $5 dollars in his pocket and he still had the duck. A big old truck came barrelling down the dirt road and the noise panicked the duck. It got away from him and wound up being hit and killed.
The driver stopped to see what he had hit and saw it was just a duck. He shrugged and was about to climb back into his vehicle without speaking to the young man. The young man was pissed because now he had no chance in hell of selling his duck.
He yelled to the driver,
"Hey! You killed my duck! Do you have any clue at all how much that duck means to me? How could you just kill my duck and walk away like it's nothing?"
The driver was startled by the outburst and felt a little guilty,
"Gee sonny I'm real sorry 'bout yer duck. I don't know what else ta say. Kin ya git yerself another one or sumthin' mebbe? How much it cost nowadays for a brand new duck? Will $10 do it?"
The boy wiped at the sweat running down his face and sniffled loudly,
"It's just not the same. That duck was really special to me!"
The driver just wanted to ease his own guilt so he said,
"I unnerstan that sonny and aggin I'm real durn sorry bout yer duck and all. How's about I give ya $20? Mebbe ya could buy two ducks then and they could have baby ducks and ya'd feel better? Whaddaya say sonny? Okay?"
The young man nodded grudgingly and accepted the $20. As he stooped to pick up the carcass of the dead duck he watched the driver speed away and muttered to himself,
"What a sucker!".
He then continued home to see how his brothers had fared. His dad and brother's immediately noticed the dead duck he was carrying and his brothers started to snicker. Their dad hushed them and turned to the eldest,
"So son what did you get for your duck?"
The eldest proudly slapped a $10 bill on the table. The father smiled and proudly clapped him on the shoulder.He turned to his middle son,
"And you? What did you get for your duck?"
The boy fairly beamed as he slapped his $15 on the table and began to gloat about being the winner. The youngest cleared his throat,
"Not so fast bro. I win. Not you."
They all looked at him and then looked pointedly at the dead duck. The father gave him a stern look,
"I don't tolerate cheats and lies boy you best shut your trap before it gets you in trouble!"
The young man was feeling so smug he taunted,
"Go ahead Pop ask me what I got for my duck!"
His father just glared at him. The young man grinned and told them the story of all that had transpired that day. In closing he said,
"So you see I really did win. I got a fuc k for a duck, a duck for a fuc k and a grand total of 25 bucks for this fuc ked-up duck!"
He winked and began to walk away. His dad called out to him,
"Where do you think you're going now, son?"
He grinned,
"Since I don't got chores to do I'm going back for more lemonade!"

IN2-IN2MX
02-02-2005, 08:23 PM
Hee hee. Pretty good FM! :D