IN2-IN2MX
02-02-2005, 07:28 PM
I'm bored outta my mind. Mike went to play ball and I am sick today.
Men are like....
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the shiat out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like..... Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
************************************************** ********
Got Marriage?
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
************************************************** ********
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot".
************************************************** ********
John was invited to dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with such endearing terms as : Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetie Pie, Pumpkin and etc.... The couple had been married for well over 40 years and clearly they were very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, John leaned over to his friend and said: I think that it is wonderful that , after all these years, you
still call your wife those loving pet names. The fella hung his head, " I have to tell you the truth he said." "I forgot her name about 10 years ago..."
************************************************** ********
The Future of Ordering Pizza
> Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
> ID number?
>
> Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
>
> Operator: I must have your NINDA first, sir
>
> Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
> 6102049998-45-54610.
>
> Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
> Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
> Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
> E-mail address is Sheehan@home.net . I see you're calling me from
> home.
>
> Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
>
> Customer: The HSS, what is that?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
> will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
>
> Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your
> All-Meat Special pizzas.
>
> Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
>
> Customer: Whaddya mean?
>
> Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
> you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
> Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
> choice.
>
> Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
>
> Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
> Like it.
>
> Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
>
> Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
> Local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
>
> Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then.
>
> Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids.
> your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
>
> Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
> your credit card balance is over its limit.
>
> Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
> driver gets here.
>
> Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
> overdrawn also.
>
> Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
> ready. How long will it take?
>
> Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
> minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up
while
> you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle
> can be a little awkward.
>
> Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
>
> Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your
> Car got reposessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled
the
> tank yesterday.
>
> Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
>
> Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
> got a July
> 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in
> September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh
yes,
> I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
> Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
> society?
>
> Customer: (speechless)
>
> Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
>
> Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke..
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us
> From offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
> this...Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
Men are like....
1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the shiat out of you.
2. Men are like ....... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ....... Weather .... Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like ....... Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ....... Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ....... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like..... Snowstorms You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....... Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....... Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
************************************************** ********
Got Marriage?
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f****** blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
************************************************** ********
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage."
The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?
The clerk says, "Well no."
"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?'
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot".
************************************************** ********
John was invited to dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with such endearing terms as : Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetie Pie, Pumpkin and etc.... The couple had been married for well over 40 years and clearly they were very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, John leaned over to his friend and said: I think that it is wonderful that , after all these years, you
still call your wife those loving pet names. The fella hung his head, " I have to tell you the truth he said." "I forgot her name about 10 years ago..."
************************************************** ********
The Future of Ordering Pizza
> Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
> ID number?
>
> Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
>
> Operator: I must have your NINDA first, sir
>
> Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
> 6102049998-45-54610.
>
> Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan I see you live at 1742 Meadowland
> Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at
> Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
> E-mail address is Sheehan@home.net . I see you're calling me from
> home.
>
> Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
>
> Customer: The HSS, what is that?
>
> Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
> will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
>
> Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your
> All-Meat Special pizzas.
>
> Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
>
> Customer: Whaddya mean?
>
> Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that
> you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.
> Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
> choice.
>
> Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
>
> Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
> Like it.
>
> Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
>
> Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
> Local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
>
> Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then.
>
> Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids.
> your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
>
> Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
> your credit card balance is over its limit.
>
> Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
> driver gets here.
>
> Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is
> overdrawn also.
>
> Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
> ready. How long will it take?
>
> Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
> minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up
while
> you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle
> can be a little awkward.
>
> Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
>
> Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your
> Car got reposessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled
the
> tank yesterday.
>
> Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
>
> Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
> got a July
> 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here
in
> September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh
yes,
> I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State
> Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to
> society?
>
> Customer: (speechless)
>
> Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
>
> Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre of Coke..
>
> Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us
> From offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits
> this...Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"