angry dad
02-13-2005, 08:06 PM
Human History Lesson
The division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and
would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That is how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"The Conservative Movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal
Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girleymen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
The division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and
would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That is how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"The Conservative Movement".
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal
Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as 'girleymen'.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans are. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.