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JustMVG
03-11-2005, 10:07 AM
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em , you can smoke 'em "
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles, The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine

JB in so cal
03-11-2005, 10:19 AM
Those are great! I wish more A/L folks could get and keep a sense of humor; would make being jammed into a tiny seat for 5 hours next to Mama Cass much more tolerable.
I was on a SW flight; Attendant comes on and says "thanks for flying SW, although I can't understand why someone would willingly lock themselves into an aluminium tube filled with 20,000 lbs of highly flammable fuel that hurtles through the sky at almost 600 mph" :2purples:

looky_lou
03-11-2005, 10:34 AM
Some great one there. Thanks for the post. Made my day. :smile:

Havasu_Dreamin
03-11-2005, 10:34 AM
Southwest seems to be the best in making providing laughs during their announcements in my experience.

JustMVG
03-11-2005, 10:39 AM
The whole laid back have a good time while your with us at Southwest comes from the very top, the CEO is a great guy and emphasizes a fun atmosphere for the employees and the customers. I just wonder why the other companies have not seen how this could benefit them. Guess thats why SW has a good reputation for Cust. service, even when they have to bump you or get you another flight, they do thier best to get you where you need to be in a pleasant atmosphere.
MikeVG

stoker
03-11-2005, 10:53 AM
I was on a flight from LAX to Oakland, when the crew announced that we would have to de-board the plane due to some mechanical problems. We were finally told that the plane with the problems would not be fixed in time and that we were going to be using a back-up plane. When I boarded the back-up plane I noticed that it was a complete schit hole. The overheads were all beat up and the interior was just thrashed. It was obviously not a plane that was not in current use. Anyhow, as I was sitting in my seat wondering about the condition of the rest of the plane, the pilot comes on the intercom and says we should be arriving in Oakland in about 50 minutes. He paused for a couple of seconds and then said if we make it! :jawdrop:

fourspeednup
03-11-2005, 11:18 AM
First memory I have of flying at the age of 8......
Pilot comes on the PA in the typical dry, monotone voice after landing in Detroit, "Ladies and gentlemen the current temperature is 30 degrees fahrenheit with 18 inches of snow recorded, visibility is low at about.............shit" (right as we plowed into a 5ft high snow drift!) We were stuck for about 45 min before they could dig us out :D :D
Another funny one...
Delayed on the tarmac for about 30 min in a tiny little chinga of a plane in LA going to Phoenix, the stewardess decides to do a little QandA with the kids to keep them entertained, one asked, "Can we land in water?" Her reply, "Ladies and gentlemen this aircraft is equipped for only one water landing." We all got a pretty good kick out of that one :mix:

PHX ATC
03-11-2005, 02:55 PM
Funny stuff.
SWA rocks...their dispatchers, ops people, and flight crews are the tops!