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Her454
03-17-2005, 08:42 AM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

TRIMM MANN
03-17-2005, 08:48 AM
These are great :D

hoolign
03-17-2005, 08:48 AM
I needed a good laugh ...Thanx :D :D :D

Cole Trickle
03-17-2005, 08:53 AM
I almost spit my coffee on the screen reading a couple of those! :D

Her454
03-17-2005, 08:54 AM
Personally, one of the dumbest things I've ever said was to a lady in line at a BBQ. It was at our New Hogan Boat Bash in 96 and I asked when she was "due"..........she snapped back at me "Im not f'ng pregnant"...... "I had my baby 6 months ago"... needless to say I was beat red and apologized and felt like an ass.
What made it worse was that her husband starting giving her a hard time right there in line about still "wearing maternity shirts" and "losing that weight"....I had to listen to them all the way to the BBQ table............. :yuk: :argue:

Rock-A-Bye-Baby
03-17-2005, 09:21 AM
Thank you for that. that is good stuff.
I used to wait tables. i went up to take some orders, looked at the woman and asked "so, you're eating for two?" "uh, NO."
needless to say the tip wasn't what i'd hoped it to be.

topless
03-17-2005, 09:51 AM
When I was in high school, the only fast food restaurant in town was Jack in the Box. I went through the drive in one night and so the fattest lady I had ever seen in my life. To make matters worse, she was munching on french fries the entire time I was at the window. The next day I was in school telling the storuy about the big fat pig lady stuffing her face. The next thing ya know, a girl I was telling this to said, "Alison, that my mother" If I could have crawled in a hole at that time, I would have. I don't think I ever lived that down the entire time I was in high school.

RiverOtter
03-17-2005, 10:05 AM
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
That is my favorite one
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
I say the video of this one. LMOA!!! :D

tamalewagon
03-17-2005, 10:31 AM
LMAO...those are great! Thanks for the laughs! :)

Her454
03-17-2005, 10:32 AM
I say the video of this one. LMOA!!! :D
Is that Laughing My Otter Ass"
Off ? :D :D

RiverOtter
03-17-2005, 10:36 AM
Is that Laughing My Otter Ass"
Off ? :D :D
Bingo! :hammerhea :D

GrapeApe
03-17-2005, 10:40 AM
My Brother (Brady Bunch) was watering the Lawn while his 5yr old son was playing in the Driveway. 2 Girls where walking down the Sidewalk walking a couple of Dogs. They where your average 16-17 yr old girls. Greg was looking at them as they walked by, and his Son yells out "Dad, stop starring at those young Girls you Pervert".. :eek: My Brother got Beat Red and chased his son in the house with the Hose... :p
*** Grape Ape ***

Blown 472
03-17-2005, 11:01 AM
I was in the store and walked up to this woman that I knew from somewhere and was making small talk when she asked me to get some diet stuff off the top shelf as she couldn't reach, I asked her why she was getting that, she replied that she needed to lose some weight and I told her she looked good and would do her, after the strange look I got, and when driving home I realized it was my sons sunday skool teacher. :redface:

bunny 166
03-17-2005, 11:03 AM
Good ones. Traci!! :) :) This is turning into tell your embarrassing stories thread....I was shopping with my mom when I was about 4 and there was a big Jerseymaid Milk display in the grocery. There was a big cow with fake milk coming out of its udders. In my best 4 year old voice (loud as hell) I said "Hey mom! That cow has 4 penises!!" I also told the checkout lady that my dad was naked in his drivers license pic. Kids say the funniest shit...... :p :p

Her454
03-17-2005, 11:20 AM
Good ones. Traci!! :) :) This is turning into tell your embarrassing stories thread....I was shopping with my mom when I was about 4 and there was a big Jerseymaid Milk display in the grocery. There was a big cow with fake milk coming out of its udders. In my best 4 year old voice (loud as hell) I said "Hey mom! That cow has 4 penises!!" I also told the checkout lady that my dad was naked in his drivers license pic. Kids say the funniest shit...... :p :p
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually I started a thread a few years ago about the things kids say and it was hysterical...........One of my favorite threads ever, lots of good stuff!! :):)

Her454
03-17-2005, 11:21 AM
I was in the store and walked up to this woman that I knew from somewhere and was making small talk when she asked me to get some diet stuff off the top shelf as she couldn't reach, I asked her why she was getting that, she replied that she needed to lose some weight and I told her she looked good and would do her, after the strange look I got, and when driving home I realized it was my sons sunday skool teacher. :redface:
Blown, You havent been taking your meds regular have you? :notam: :D

R.A.D.man
03-17-2005, 11:57 AM
Had an employee fueling a truck while staring at what was described to be a very hot mom when her young son yells out "Mister, stop staring at my mom like that." He immediately quit fueling the truck and drove to the next station to finish filling up.

Dr. Eagle
03-17-2005, 12:15 PM
I had an employee in our San Francisco office call when the movers were there to load up the folks coming up to Sacramento. I asked him if he was "Getting his shit packed" and then realized what I'd said... open mouth... inserf foot! :D

SoCalHD
03-17-2005, 02:25 PM
I had an employee in our San Francisco office call when the movers were there to load up the folks coming up to Sacramento. I asked him if he was "Getting his shit packed" and then realized what I'd said... open mouth... inserf foot! :D
LMAO!!!!!

Devilman
03-17-2005, 02:41 PM
I've been known to tell jokes that aren't always politically correct in all circles.(How's that for politically correctness? :D :D ) Anyways, this girl I had been pretty close friends with and I were trading jokes one afternoon, laughing our asses off... Until I told her a polio joke, not remembering that her mom had it. Talk about feeling crappy. That was probably 7-8 years ago and I STILL feel crappy about that....

Mrs. 4-B
03-17-2005, 02:49 PM
This is great stuff! :D
I went out to lunch at a mexican restaurant one day with the girls at work and decided to take my leftovers back to the office. So I asked the girls, "Do you think one of the guys out back will eat my taco?" :2purples:
Red faced, I fugured I'd better rephrase that!

topless
03-17-2005, 02:51 PM
This is great stuff! :D
I went out to lunch at a mexican restaurant one day with the girls at work and decided to take my leftovers back to the office. So I asked the girls, "Do you think one of the guys out back will eat my taco?" :2purples:
Red faced, I fugured I'd better rephrase that!ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!! :rollside: