PDA

View Full Version : A couple of Funnies for Sunday morning



JustMVG
07-03-2005, 04:39 AM
==========
WHO's YOUR DADDY?
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are
genuine excerpts from the forms:
01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.
03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.
04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.
06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please advise.
07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
==========
ANNUAL DEATH CHARGE
A lady died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part
about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." Supervisor gets
on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank Supervisor: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank Supervisor: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given to the
Supervisor).
Citibank Supervisor: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number
69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

FMluvswater
07-03-2005, 07:50 AM
LOL! :D Thanks for the chuckles Mikey. :D