View Full Version : We need some jokes
I need a good laugh after yesterday.... let's go people.... post some good jokes.
ok ok .. I got one... kinda sick. but :D
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".
My bad you said a joke...oops.
ok ok .. I got one... kinda sick. but :D
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".
NASTY :cool:
:( So bad.. sorry.
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
So bad.. I don't know who come sup with these....
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother.
'This is a job for Mama!'
Damn,,,,thats what I`m talkin about. Where are these stumps,,,I need one. :redface:
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:31 AM
:( So bad.. sorry.
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.
After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
God Damn Dumb blondes. :messedup:
rivergoer
08-10-2005, 06:31 AM
thats some funny a$$ shiat!! :mix:
A foot and a half,,,that dudes swingin` LUMBER! :D
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
2Driver
08-10-2005, 06:34 AM
Why don't guys eat out chicks first thing in the morning?....
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Why don't guys eat out chicks first thing in the morning?....
hummmm why?
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:36 AM
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!". And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!". And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated windows !!".
esabataj
08-10-2005, 06:37 AM
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
lmao... thanks guys :D
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
:hammerhea
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:40 AM
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
:D :burningm: :D
OK time to go wake the kids up and get them in the bath... keep going guys :D
MAINEVENT
08-10-2005, 06:43 AM
God Damn Dub blondes. :messedup:
Dub??? I hope your not blonde :hammer2: :hammer2: :idea:
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:44 AM
Dub??? I hope your not blonde :hammer2: :hammer2: :idea:
Ooops, typing tooo fast. :D
Dumb. ;) :D
Big Warlock
08-10-2005, 06:50 AM
A pretty young lady was having a tooth filled.
>
> The dentist gave her the usual "this won't hurt a
> bit" routine before bending over her with a drill
> in his hand.
> He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
>
>
> "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "you
> have hold of my testicles!"
>
> "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going
> to hurt each other, are we?
-----------------------------------------
2Driver
08-10-2005, 06:52 AM
Why don't guys eat out chicks first thing in the morning?....
...Ever try to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich ? :)
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:57 AM
...Ever try to pull apart a cold grilled cheese sandwhich ? :)
Eeeuuuuwwww
BROADMINDED
08-10-2005, 06:59 AM
Hahaha That Is Gross.
esabataj
08-10-2005, 07:00 AM
Oh, the pity of old age.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 07:03 AM
Ooooh that is sad :( :D
Devilman
08-10-2005, 07:09 AM
There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for
a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good
golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
"Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me."
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed,
and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask
him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
"Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me."
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time,
but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As
they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next
Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me."
Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays great
with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs
with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he
says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about
ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either
left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?"
"Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in
the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left
side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right
side, I play right-handed."
"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks.
"Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers
These are some pretty funny jokes....more more!!! :D
Devilman
08-10-2005, 07:22 AM
The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was
no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not
this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz who was about to be cremated, he discovered the
longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the
mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the
coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner
stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around
two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said
to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at Smiths' for three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The
barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!"
exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who
owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy
says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm
doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to
sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ...I slept with your Sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know" Becky
whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you.
That last one was great!!! :2purples:
What to tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice. ;)
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Devilman
08-10-2005, 07:35 AM
How come the leper couldn't speak?
The cat had his tongue.
How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.
What's the definition of "making love"?
Something a women does while a guy is focking her.
Why can't Avon ladies walk fast?
Their lipstick.
pjones
08-10-2005, 08:52 AM
A pirate walks into a bar..The bartender says
hey you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate replies "ayyyyyyy and it's drivin me nuts.."
(best done in deep pirate like voice)
A pirate walks into a bar..The bartender says
hey you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate replies "ayyyyyyy and it's drivin me nuts.."
(best done in deep pirate like voice)
LOL!!!
That is so stupid but can't help but laugh!
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
:D
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
bad one I know.. sorry
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
OMG!
LMAO!!!
Devilman
08-10-2005, 09:07 AM
A pirate walks into a bar..The bartender says
hey you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?
The pirate replies "ayyyyyyy and it's drivin me nuts.."
(best done in deep pirate like voice)
LMAO!! That one reminds me of this:
A horse walks into a bar...
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
:D :hammer2:
19cobaltcd
08-10-2005, 09:10 AM
Do you know the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?
A prostitute say's "Are you done yet?"
A mistress say's "Are you done already?"
A wife say's "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
pjones
08-10-2005, 09:25 AM
A skeleton walks onto a bar.
Says I'll have a beer and a mop.
Devilman
08-10-2005, 09:27 AM
A skeleton walks onto a bar.
Says I'll have a beer and a mop.
Dude, yer killin me! LMAO!! :D :D :D
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 10:36 AM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
LMAO! :rollside:
pjones
08-10-2005, 11:10 AM
A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says
"what'll you have?' Seal says "anything but a Canadian
Club."
KACHINA KEN
08-10-2005, 11:20 AM
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris???
Nobody knows, they've never tried.
more more!!!
Hey Bre! You've had some good ones. Keep it up! :p
Angry Inch
08-10-2005, 12:44 PM
What is the definition of vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
pjones
08-10-2005, 12:47 PM
Good one Angry...
Who is that in your sig?
Cool clip.
godfather
08-10-2005, 01:09 PM
jessica alba she is so hott
MONEYFURNOTHIN
08-10-2005, 01:11 PM
ok ill have the BALLS
How do you starve a black man?
Hide his food stamps in his work boots!.........ok bring on the white jokes
pjones
08-10-2005, 01:14 PM
Sweeeeet.
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 04:32 PM
Hey what happened with the jokes??? :confused: :supp:
JB in so cal
08-10-2005, 05:02 PM
2 good buddies are playing golf and they come to the 6th tee. One guy tees off, then the other - they go looking for their balls. One guy finds his; it's next to a big barn. His buddy comes walking up and says "how about if we open this door right here, then I'll run down to the other end and hold that other door open; you can just hit right on through? They decide - GREAT IDEA!
One guy runs down to hold the door open while his good friend swings away. The ball goes from his club face straight to the side of his buddy's head - kills him instantly.
2 years later, the remaining friend hasn't played a round since. Decides it's time and drives down to the club house. Once another single is assigned, they tee off. They come to the same 6th tee and both hit away. The remaining friend's ball come to rest in the exact same place as it did 2 years earlier. The new playing partner walks up and offers up an idea. "I'll open this door here, then I'll run down to the other side and hold open that other door -you can just hit the ball on through.
The guy reponds "No thanks. Last time I did that, I double bogeyed."
Two cowboys named Tex and Billy are sleeping out on the range. A rattlesnake gets in Tex's sleeping bag and bites him right on the end of his dick. Tex says, "Billy I'm hurt bad, hurry up, and go to town and get the doc." So Billy gets on his horse and rides as fast as he can into town. The doc says, "Well there's nothing I can do for Tex out there. Get out there as fast as you can, suck out all the poison, then get him back here as fast as you can." So Billy gets on his horse and rides out to Tex as fast as he can, and when Billy gets there, he says, "I got some bad news, Tex, the doc says you're going to die."
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 05:11 PM
Two cowboys named Tex and Billy are sleeping out on the range. A rattlesnake gets in Tex's sleeping bag and bites him right on the end of his dick. Tex says, "Billy I'm hurt bad, hurry up, and go to town and get the doc." So Billy gets on his horse and rides as fast as he can into town. The doc says, "Well there's nothing I can do for Tex out there. Get out there as fast as you can, suck out all the poison, then get him back here as fast as you can." So Billy gets on his horse and rides out to Tex as fast as he can, and when Billy gets there, he says, "I got some bad news, Tex, the doc says you're going to die."
LMAO!
:rollside: :p
JB in so cal
08-10-2005, 05:13 PM
"Posse. I said bring Posse" :hammer2:
RVRGIRL
08-10-2005, 05:54 PM
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for both of you to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees
to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50."
That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping
with my wife."
But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies ........."She was here. and you could have!
CandyA$$
08-10-2005, 06:06 PM
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special roosterone that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: Henry, he said, Im counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didnt stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, Stop, Henry!! Youll kill yourself!!
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, Oh you poor thing, look what you did, youve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.
Shhhhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzards getting closer.
pjones
08-11-2005, 12:47 PM
More jokes anyone?
Hallett19
08-11-2005, 02:16 PM
One day a guy asks a girl to marry him
She said no
The guy lived happily ever after :cool:
desertbird
08-11-2005, 03:07 PM
Last weekend at the Riverside we were heading back to our room after a night of gambling.
I stopped at the soda machine to grab a Coke, but there was an old lady using it.
She put's in a dollar, pushes the button and the soda pops out.
She put's in another dollar and does it again.
After the third time, I asked if I could just get one and she replied...
"Go get your own machine! Can't you see I'm winning here!?!!"
:messedup:
desertbird
08-11-2005, 03:08 PM
What do you call 4 Mexicans that are stuck in Quicksand? :idea:
Quattro Sinko
:jawdrop:
ahhell
08-11-2005, 04:03 PM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
ahhell
08-11-2005, 04:08 PM
A penguin's driving down the road and suddenly his car quits running, he pulls into a garage and asks whats wrong. the mechanic says its probably your tranmission, go have some lunch down at the diner and when you come back i'll know whats wrong.
So an hour later the penguin comes back and the mechanic looks at him and says I think you blew a seal...the penguin wipes his chin and replies, Naw, its probaly just a little tarter sauce...
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :D
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs?
:jawdrop:
EZ
Skeleton walks into a bar. Sits down and the bartender ask what he wants and he replies "I'll take a pitcher of beer and a mop" :rollside:
MagicMtnDan
08-12-2005, 10:15 PM
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!
pjones
08-13-2005, 05:58 AM
A pollock is wandering around the red light district in
Amsterdam and spots a girl sitting in a window.
He walks over, taps on the glass and says "how much?'
She says "$25.00", He says "wow not bad for double
paned glass."
Big Warlock
08-13-2005, 07:34 AM
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
*
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MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big tits
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Amen.
pjones
08-13-2005, 07:38 AM
I'll drink to that...
>A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for
>an inflatable doll.
>
>"Would you like male of female?"
>
>"Female, please."
>
>"Would you like Black, or White?"
>
>"White, please."
>
>"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
>
>This question confused the man ... and he replied, "What has religion
>got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
>
>"Well," explained the assistant, "the Muslim one blows itself up!"
CMZRACING
08-13-2005, 10:37 AM
Theres And Old Grizzly Bear Walking Through The Woods And Decides He Needs To Chit. So The Old Bear Hunkers Down By A Bush To Take Care Of Business. While He's There A Little White Rabbit Comes Hoping By And Says To Himself, Wow Thats A Good Idea. So The Little Rabbit Pulls Up Next The Grizzly And Starts Taking Dump Too. The Old Grizzly Bear Looks Over Towards The Rabbit And Says,"hey There Little Buddy, You Ever Have A Problem With Chit Sticking To Your Fur?" The Little Rabbit Looks Up And Shakes His Head And Says Nope! So The Old Grizzly Reaches Over Picks Up The Little Rabbit And Wipes His A$$ With Him And Says Thanks!
Rockdog
08-13-2005, 11:20 AM
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a
Girls Night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought
she'd take off her panties, use them and throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of underwear and didn't
want to ruin hers or leave them behind, but was lucky enough to salvage
a ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried
herself with the ribbon.
The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband
and said,
"This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife
came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a
card stuck to her butt that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION,
WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
JackieV
08-13-2005, 11:33 AM
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." :D
Just heard that one today! lol
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