tell me a joke

[olbiezer]

ill start it off:
woman comes home one night late and her husband is sitting on the couch and she is wearing a new mink coat. he says where did u get that mink coat and she says she won it in a raffel.......he says wow u are lucky....2 weeks later she comes home late with a new diamond necklass and her husband says where did u get the diamond neckless and she says i won it in a raffel........wow u are really luckey he says......she asks him to run her a bath water so he does......when she come into the bathroom there is only 1 inch of water in the tub......she says why did u only put 1 inch of water in the tub???? he says i didnt want u to get your raffel ticket wet!!!!!!!!

[Kim Hanson]

One morning in December, a happily married couple rises from their night’s rest. The husband rolls over to his beautiful wife and asks how her night was.
She replies,"It was great! I had the best dream in the world." Intrigued, the husband urges her to go on. "Well, I had a dream that I had the most beautifully decorated Christmas Tree ever! It was covered with C ocks; big ones, long ones, hard ones, smooth ones, every kind of dick you could imagine."
The husband, now gloating a little asks, "Was mine at the top for the shining star?"
"No, yours was at the bottom with the broken wrinkly tiny ones. How was your night honey?"
Now pissed off, he replies, "Well honey, my dream was even better than yours! I dreamed that we had a Christmas Tree decorated with the most beautiful Vaginas ever; tight ones, pink ones, smooth ones, every kind of vagina."
"Was mine at the top for your shining star?"
Then the husband replies, "No yours was holding up the f cking tree!"...........( . )( . )............. :mix:

[olbiezer]

lmao good one kim glad u made it back from new orleans safe!!!!

[Kim Hanson]

lmao good one kim glad u made it back from new orleans safe!!!!
It wasn't so bad, but the thing they said was a Manatee, sure looked like Donald! Slow and barley floating :p .........( . )( . )........Really bald also, must be for the speed thing! :p
Jokes...... :idea:
King Chin , What do you call that hair between your grandmothers titties ??? Her pussy !!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Kim Hanson]

What do u call balls on a gay man?
MUD FLAPS!!!.........( . )( . ).............Ask Donald :eek: :D

[MAXIMUS]

knock knock!..... who's there??? f#ck! F#ck who??? F#ck OFF!!!! lol...

[olbiezer]

maxi ....... a post without a mention of "fag" is not like u dude come on!!!!!!

[lucky]

a man was very curios as he passed by a certain cat house a prositiute was out side Crowing at the top of her lungs ? His couricity got the better of him and we went up and asked her why the hell she was crowing ?
Her reply : I'm advertising -- any cock will do anycockwill do anycockwilldo ...

[uclahater]

a man was very curios as he passed by a certain cat house a prositiute was out side Crowing at the top of her lungs ? His couricity got the better of him and we went up and asked her why the hell she was crowing ?
Her reply : I'm advertising -- any cock will do anycockwill do anycockwilldo ...
Sounds like your type of woman :D

[lucky]

Sounds like your type of woman :D
I joined the 4-f club back in the day
find em
feel em
fock em
forget em ---
and i once got thrown out of the boyscouts for eating a brownie :notam:

[olbiezer]

guess i should have named this "tell me a funny joke!" lol

[lucky]

look down

[lucky]

We love all Blondes!
GEOGRAPHY
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and
one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I
have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing
at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was
knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde was talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for
a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're
watch dogs!"

[MAXIMUS]

maxi ....... a post without a mention of "fag" is not like u dude come on!!!!!!
FAG! :messedup:

[olbiezer]

i feel better now lol

[dmontzsta]

Here is a joke.
There is a man who lives in canada named Kim. He has long hair like a girl, a wife who is the man of the house. He wears girlie underwear and drinks beer all day.
what a joke huh?

[Kim Hanson]

Here is a joke.
There is a man who lives in canada named Kim. He has long hair like a girl, a wife who is the man of the house. He wears girlie underwear and drinks beer all day.
what a joke huh?
Donald, turn off your monitor if you want to see the joke and look straight ahead :rolleyes: ............( . )( . )...........

[dmontzsta]

Donald, turn off your monitor if you want to see the joke and look straight ahead :rolleyes: ............( . )( . )...........
Kim, do you always repeat jokes that were used on you?

[Kim Hanson]

Kim, do you always repeat jokes that were used on you?
That wasn't used on me, okay how about this one then.........( . )( . )......
Donald went out to try sky diving and as he got up there he had second thoughts about jumping and as the people left the plane he just stood there looking out the door and turned around to the instructer and said " I can't do it "! The instructer said if you don't jump Im going to butt fock you then..............after landing on the ground they all asked what happened and he told the story to them and then one guy asked, so did you jump? Donald replied " just alittle at first ".

[You Te]

Here is a good one.
Max has a fast boat.

[olbiezer]

maxi's boat may not be the fastest ut but i hear it keeps running!!!!

[MAXIMUS]

maxi's boat may not be the fastest ut but i hear it keeps running!!!!
That may not necessarily be true... :messedup:

[MAXIMUS]

Here is a good one.
Max has a fast boat.
At least I am not riding around by my self looking for more sausages to much on... :notam:

[olbiezer]

a lady goes to the plastic sergion and says she wants a face lift.the dr says he has 3 different face lift jobs.......the first is 500 dollars and after about a year it might need to be redone again...........the second costs a thousand dollars and is garenteed to last 5 years after that she may need to come back for another one...........the third costs 5000 dollars is guarenteed for life but has a drawback.......he puts a adjustment key in the back of her head but her hair will cover it........every six months she should come back and get it addjusted....she takes the 5000 dollar job and comes back after 6 months and says she doesent thing her face lift worked as she has large bags under her eyes.......dr says to lay back and examines her..........after 10 min or so he says he has good news and some bad news for her..........she says whats the good news first..dr says well your face lift worked very well..........the bad news is that those bags under her eyes are not bags at all its her tits and if she doesent quit turning that adjustment screw she will soon have a mustash and gotee .............

[Kim Hanson]

**** is good **** is funny ,lots of people **** 4 money.If u think that **** is funny . Then **** yourself & save your money.......( . )( . )......... :idea:

[Kim Hanson]

little johnnys walkin down the street one day and an old man stops him and says "where you goin lil’ johnny?" johnny replies, "i’m going to the pond". whatcha got under your arm. "i got a sack, im gonna catch some ducks" says johnny. the old man says, "you cant catch no ducks with a sack, get out of here johnny" a few hours later johnny comes back with a sack full of ducks. next day lil’ johnny is walking down the street and the old man asks, "where you goin lil’ johnny?" lil’ johnny says, "goin down to the pond" whatcha got under your arm lil’ johnny? "i got some chicken wire, for catchin chickens" the old man replies, "you cant catch no chickens with chicken wire, get out of here lil’ johnny" a few hours later lil’ johnny comes back with a sack full of chickens. the next day lil’ johnny is walkin down the street and the old man asks "where you goin lil’ johnny?" lil’ johnny says "goin down to the pond" the old man asks "whatcha got under your arm?" lil’ johnny replies, "A PUSSY WILLOW" the old man looks at johnny and says" hold on let me get my coat"........( . )( . )........... :p

[lucky]

**** is good **** is funny ,lots of people **** 4 money.If u think that **** is funny . Then **** yourself & save your money.......( . )( . )......... :idea:
sounds like duck ehhh kimmy

[lucky]

One morning, Tyrone asked his work buddy Fred, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Fred replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work. "Amazed, Tyrone asked him, "How do you get your wife to make love to you every morning?"
"That's easy," Fred said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue.. I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone was amazed, "Man, you white guys are too sentimental and crap...." He decided to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day, Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell ... bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Fred asked, "Man, what happened to you?"
Tyrone s! aid, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your idea that's all. I just told her a poem...." Fred asked, "Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him, "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...let me bend you over thebed and fock you like a dog!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Kim Hanson]

One day, little Johnny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what
she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, Johnny’s mom asked what happened.
Little Johnny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and
laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever,
cuz she said she was feeling hot.
So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just
like the doctor would.
Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started
panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around
and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them
sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long!
anyways he gripped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell
open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about
the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting
its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from
biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and
the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!
I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were
dripping out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back
to the bed anyway!
He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It
jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this
time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead
because I saw sis boyfriend peel it’s skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
Little Johnny’s mom fainted ........( . )( . )........
It's old but I still laugh everytime i see it!

[Kim Hanson]

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup." ............( . )( . ).......... :p

[Kim Hanson]

Best joke ever
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
> cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili ............( . )( . ).......... :p

[CMZRACING]

Damn I Almost Made Lava In My Pants Reading That One!!

[SnoopJonnyJon]

How do you get 4 fags on a barstool? Put it upside down.
How did Micheal Jackson get food poisoning? He ate a 9 year old weiner.
There are 3 Canadians ( a farmer from Saskatchewan, a frenchman from Quebec, and a native indian) down in Mexico during the winter and they are walking on the beach and come upon a geenie. So the geenie agrees to give them each one wish. The indian pipes up and says he wants a wall around all the reserves to keep the white man out, so the geenie puts a wall around every indian reserve. So then its the frenchman's turn and he gets thinking that a wall around Quebec would be good to preserve its french heritage, so he gets the geenie to put up a wall around Quebec. Now its the farmer's turn and he questions the quality of these walls. The geenie assures him that he built very good walls... 40 feet tall, 10 feet thick, very strong, even water tight. This reassures the farmer and he makes his wish... "fill em up"

[FMluvswater]

How do you get 4 fags on a barstool? Put it upside down.
How did Micheal Jackson get food poisoning? He ate a 9 year old weiner.
There are 3 Canadians ( a farmer from Saskatchewan, a frenchman from Quebec, and a native indian) down in Mexico during the winter and they are walking on the beach and come upon a geenie. So the geenie agrees to give them each one wish. The indian pipes up and says he wants a wall around all the reserves to keep the white man out, so the geenie puts a wall around every indian reserve. So then its the frenchman's turn and he gets thinking that a wall around Quebec would be good to preserve its french heritage, so he gets the geenie to put up a wall around Quebec. Now its the farmer's turn and he questions the quality of these walls. The geenie assures him that he built very good walls... 40 feet tall, 10 feet thick, very strong, even water tight. This reassures the farmer and he makes his wish... "fill em up"
Hahahahahahahahaha! LMFAO! :D

[SnoopJonnyJon]

http://www.blennus.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=828&Itemid=
One never knows when the homosexual is about.

[FMluvswater]

OMG! Those demanding homosexuals! :D Contagious! You just never know ... eyes in the back of your head - can't be too careful. :idea:

[Kim Hanson]

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far....".........( . )( . )..........

[Kim Hanson]

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
..........( . )( . )...........

[Kim Hanson]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" ........( . )( . )........ :p

[Kim Hanson]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!............( . )( . ).......... :p

[SnoopJonnyJon]

Johnny drove over to take Sally on a date. Johnny and Sally had been going out for 2 years and he decided he was going to propose to her. She was very excited and agreed. She ran upstairs to finish getting ready for their date leaving Johnny with her beautiful little sister. Well, her little sister had always had a thing for Johnny and begged him to make love to her just once before they got married so that he wouldn't be cheating on his wife. Johnny was kinda stunned and didn't know what to say, so he just got up and ran out the door. He was met at the front step by Sally's father. He said "congratulations, you passed our test. Now we know you will always be faithful to Sally!"
Moral of the story..... always keep your condoms in the glovebox of your car.

[BLOWN88FRESNO MINI]

Best joke ever
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
> cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili ............( . )( . ).......... :p
THIS IS THE FUNNIEST DAM JOKE EVER,
This is the 3rd night in a row I've read this dam thing, I could hardly breathe myself! :rollside:

[smokeondewater]

Bill and Joe were out one sunny day golfing. Bill goes first and whacks his ball 280 yards down the fairway,,,Nice shot bill,,, says Joe.
Joe whacks his ball , and it slices bad to the right and lands in the rough.
When Joe gets to his ball, he notices its right in the middle of some buttercups. he proceeds to hit the ball from the lie
first swing,, he dont hit his ball but buttercups go flying everywhere,, second swing,, same thing over and over,,, butter cups everywhere but still dont hit his ball.
All of the sudden,, the skies part and a beam of sun shines down on Joe,,and he hears a voice,,it says,, ""you have torn up all my buttercups
therefore,, you shall have no more butter!!!"""
Oh no!! says Joe,,,, did you hear that!!,, that was the lord and he said from now on, i shall have no more butter!!!
Bill says,, well Joe,,it could be worse. Hows that he asks??
Well,,,,,, you could have hit your ball in them pussywillows!!!

[olbiezer]

mother tressa dies and goes to heaven and st peter gives her a hailo.....she goes into heaven and sees princess diana with a bigger hailo......she goes back to st peter and says all my life i gave to the poor and suffering people and the lord and i come to heaven and i get a hailo and go into heaven and i see u gave princess diana a bigger hailo....why is that? st peter looks at her and says......thats not a hailo on diana....its a steering wheel!!!!!

[olbiezer]

a guy gets on a plane and takes his seat. gets settled in and glances up and sees a beautiful girl boarding.....lo and behold she sets beside him.........eager to strike up a conversation he asks buisness trip? she says yes i am going to be the key note speaker at the nymphomanic convention in las vegas.......struggling to keep his composure he asks what she will be speaking about? she responds "i will be using my experence to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuallity".......really? what myths???........well she says.....like the popular myth that african american men are the most well endowed when in fact i have found the native american indian to have that trait.......another popular myth is that french men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of the jewish desent....we have also found that the best potentual lover in all catagories is the southern redneck......suddenly the woman says she should not be telling him all this as she didnt even know his name......the man says "tonto......tonto goldstien.......but my friends all call me bubba"

[Kim Hanson]

A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
"I’d like to buy a horth", he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth," the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s eyes and
puts him down again.
"Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth
and puts him down.
"Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up
the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears and then puts him down.
"Nithe eerth," he says. "Now... can I see her twot?"
"With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and holding him by the
scruff of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head
deep inside the horse’s vagina. He holds him there for a couple of
seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze
that, Can I see her wun awound?!!" .........( . )( . )......... :p

[Kim Hanson]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." .........( . )( . )............. :p

[olbiezer]

how can u tell when a guys a homo?........well when u are doing him in the ass and u reach around and the guy is hard.......ahhh fag!!!!!!

[olbiezer]

whats a gay guys favorite time of day?........eight a cock

[uclahater]

how can u tell when a guys a homo?........well when u are doing him in the ass and u reach around and the guy is hard.......ahhh fag!!!!!!
Well if this is true :crossx: than Maxi, Roland, Lucky, and Mrs PIXI are definately Gay :)

[pixilatedpussy]

Well if this is true :crossx: than Maxi, Roland, Lucky, and Mrs PIXI are definately Gay :)
Yep!!! Ya got that right! :p
Was that your dick I grabbed???? Oh no it was too big! :crossx:

[olbiezer]

as maxi would say. mrs pixi.......nothing wrong with a large strap - on!!!!!! fag......taint.....ballz

[pixilatedpussy]

as maxi would say. mrs pixi.......nothing wrong with a large strap - on!!!!!! fag......taint.....ballz
Anything Large is good for me! :p

[lucky]

a cubian ,a russian , a mexican ( hi lou ) and an american are on a ship traveling
the cubian sitting on deck smoking the biggest cigar any of them have ever seen , lights it up - smokes a 1/3 of it and throws it overbord .
the mexian and the american are amazed by this and asked what did you do that for ??
cuban : well in my country we have so much of the finest tobaco - that we just smoke what we like then throw the rest !
the Russian - Yes I know what you mean -- In my country we have so much vodka - we only drink a 1/2 a bottle the throw the rest !
the mexican -- es know what chu mean - In Mehcho we have de finest chilie peppers we have way to many -- we only eat 3/4 of the peper then we toss dem
The american standing there - picks up the mexican - and tosses him -- :crossx:

[Squirtin Thunder]

Kimmy !!!

[lucky]

Well if this is true :crossx: than Maxi, Roland, Lucky, and Mrs PIXI are definately Gay :)
yea and you squat to piss :)

[Roland the Fisherman]

D'monsta told me that Maxie is to old to get "it" hard, in the ass or no. .....Or was that are Maximas only for retards yes or no? Any way, he is kinda hard to understand when his mouth is full.
Just incase you were wondering I was chill'n to my new 50cent CD while I posted that. :220v:

[uclahater]

D'monsta told me that Maxie is to old to get "it" hard, in the ass or no. .....Or was that are Maximas only for retards yes or no? Any way, he is kinda hard to understand when his mouth is full.
Just incase you were wondering I was chill'n to my new 50cent CD while I posted that. :220v:
LMAO
D'mon took "Yo Nizzle" to heart

[uclahater]

yea and you squat to piss :)
thats what happens when you get all fat an shit :cry:

[SnoopJonnyJon]

What does one fag say to the other fag going on a vacation?
Hey buddy, want some help packing your shit?

[SnoopJonnyJon]

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

[lucky]

thats what happens when you get all fat an shit :cry:
I still hit my foot :)
I still stand , but usually hit the mirror before the toliet lmao

[olbiezer]

a piano player is looking for a job and sees a sign for a piano player in a bar window......he goes in and the owner says play me a song for a audition.......he plays the most beautifull melody and the owner says whats the name of that song? the piano player says its one of my own compositions,,,,,,i call it ramming speed at the tuna lagoon...the owner says oK play another please.....he does and again its a beautifull melody and the owner says whats the name of that one? the piano player says i call that one pumping the porpose in 3 four time......the owner says u got the job but sence i have a mixed crowd u cant say the titles of your songs.....the piano player says ok i have to tell u that i only play my own compositions and i dont take requests......they agree......that night he plays the first set and the place goes wild.......he takes a break and comes back to the piano after going to the bathroom...sits down and the owner sees the guys pecker is hanging out of his pants.......he runs up to the stage and says do u know your johnson is hanging out? and the piano player says KNOW IT? I WROTE IT AND I DONT TAKE REQUESTS.