hoolign
12-03-2005, 09:06 AM
TOOLS ......
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new disk
brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for
levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack
handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if
he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at
the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their
heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting
afire various flammable objects in your shop. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or ½" socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new disk
brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG PRESSURE-TREATED 4x4: Used for
levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack
handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if
he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in
bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile
strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your clothes, but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at
the local mechanic's shop, and neatly rounds off their
heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight,
which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.