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Liberator TJ1984
06-07-2006, 07:42 AM
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors,
including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone
was
having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the
women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip
and
I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will
come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do
the
job!"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone
turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and
kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and
flipping
it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master.
The water was churning and splashing in the struggle.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly
climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief.
The host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"I don't want it," said Leroy, panting.
The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something, you won the bet!"
So Leroy replied, "I would just be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever
one
of these white motherf@wkers it was that pushed me in the pool." :D

LaveyJet
06-07-2006, 10:45 AM
What do you call two Mexicans playing Basketball
Juan on Juan
What do you call four Mexicans in a leaky boat?
Cuatro Sinko,
What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A Beaner-Schnitzel

Cas
06-08-2006, 09:14 AM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!

MrsSigEpMock
06-08-2006, 09:39 AM
Why do Mexicans eat re'fried beans?
Because they can't do anything right the first time!!! :crossx:

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 09:46 AM
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 09:47 AM
A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the bartender, "Give me eight double vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had a hell of a day." "Yes, I just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy comes into the bar and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another eight double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 10:21 AM
Big 10 Incher
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

Cas
06-08-2006, 12:05 PM
The History of Middle Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the
renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting
in the future.
This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the
act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck
yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative
'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one finger
salute!?
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Cheap Thrills
06-08-2006, 12:10 PM
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in". You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
C.T. :wink:

schlepy
06-08-2006, 12:22 PM
I once knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind...

schlepy
06-08-2006, 12:30 PM
what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe???
Roberto

Cheap Thrills
06-08-2006, 12:31 PM
I once knew a blonde that was so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind...
I got ya beat . I knew a blonde that was so stupid she stared at a container of frozen orange juice for an hour because it said concintrate.
C.T. :wink:

schlepy
06-08-2006, 12:32 PM
I got ya beat . I knew a blonde that was so stupid she stared at a container of frozen orange juice for an hour because it said concintrate.
C.T. :wink:
good one, how about the stupid blonde that tripped over a cordless phone...

schlepy
06-08-2006, 12:33 PM
How do you know if you are at a gay picnic??????
The hot dogs taste like sh!t.....

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 01:57 PM
How do you know if you are at a gay picnic??????
The hot dogs taste like sh!t.....
ewwwwwwwwwwww.. Nasty.. :yuk: :rollside: good one. but nasty.

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 02:02 PM
Blonde in a Rowboat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her." :p

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 02:04 PM
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 02:09 PM
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.
He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.
The man say I can do it!
So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?
Well I showed him. :2purples: :2purples:

schlepy
06-08-2006, 02:34 PM
It was another Payday and i was tired of Mr. Goodbar, I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fith Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry"! Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit "O" Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She Screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, your're better than the Three Musketeers!" As I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all of the subben....my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped..............Baby Ruth!

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 02:41 PM
A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite."
When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"
The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone."
The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!"
So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.
The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."
The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.
After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.
After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

73beast
06-08-2006, 03:39 PM
Saying The Right Thing....
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
Taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
Party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had
To force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
Of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
Single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
Pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
Cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom
Mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written
In red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make
You your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
Steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
Table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
Over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
Got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order,
So clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
Tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm
Married!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.00
Hot Breakfast $14.20
Two Aspirins: $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . .
Priceless!!

MRS FLYIN VEE
06-08-2006, 03:54 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/719pricelessbinladen.jpg

TRUMP TIGHT
06-08-2006, 04:06 PM
Late one night as the bar was biggining to empty the bartender told the 3 fellows that remained about a magic bottle he had. After being told that the bottle contained a gennie the mexican, black and white customers began fighting over the bottle the bottle was dropped and the gennie appeared. The gennie said he would grant them each just one wish. They mexican asked "anything"? "Yes" the gennie responded! The mexican then asked for all his people to be returned to Mexico. "Granted" the gennie said. The black man was next and asked for all his people to be returned to africa. "Granted" he said. The white man asked, "so you mean to tell me all the mexicans and blacks are gone"? "Yes, that is what they wished" the gennie responded. The white man replied. :idea:"Well, then i'll have a Coke!":D:D

TRUMP TIGHT
06-08-2006, 05:08 PM
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
lol!

73beast
06-09-2006, 06:38 PM
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in '36.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.

Cas
06-09-2006, 06:53 PM
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in '36.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
At 75, Barry Bonds hits home run #2,345, says he's not taking human growth hormones.

Cas
06-12-2006, 07:33 AM
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I
guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog."