Men

[topless]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock).
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(I don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Bense468]

I like number 9.
9. Why did god put women on earth
(to carry the sperm from the bed to the toilet)

[Boozer]

Why don't women need driving privileges?
(Because there are no roads between the bedroom and the kitchen)
What do you do when the dishwasher is broke?
(Beat her ass)

[Deano]

what do you tell a girl with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice :)

[schlepy]

why are women so fu@king stupid???
i dont know, i thought you might.....

[topless]

This thread sure went south fast. :rolleyes: :cry:

[YeLLowBoaT]

Why do men like blow jobs so much????
its the only time women STFU! :crossx:

[probablecause]

A guy comes home one day to find his wife rubbing milk all
over her breasts. Curiously he asks her why she's doing
this. She replies that she has read that if you rub milk on
your breasts they get bigger. He looks at her for a moment and
says then you should have used toilet paper. Why asks his
wife? He replies because it's done a hell of a job on your
ass!

[schlepy]

how can you tell if your wife is dead???
the sex is the same but the dishes pile up......

[Devil's Advocate]

This thread sure went south fast. :rolleyes: :cry:
Don't give up that easy sister.. :crossx: :rollside:
Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.
Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

[probablecause]

Why is "that time of the month" called PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. :argue:

[Devil's Advocate]

More if you need them.... :crossx:
Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
Q: What do men and beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

[HotDogz]

Why did God put women on earth?
Cause sheep can't cook or do dishes.
*On the plus side...they cant talk either.* :D

[Bense468]

Why do guys talk to chicks?
(cause they have tits)
Why do women have small feet?
(to stand closer to the stove)
Your wife's yelling at the front door, your dogs barking at the back door, who do you let in?
(the dog- because it stops barking once you let it in)

[HotDogz]

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. Let's just be friends.

[topless]

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

[haysonj]

definition of a women
(life support system for a pussy)

[HotDogz]

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Victim of an angry woman. :argue:

[djunkie]

Topless. Did I cause you some sexual frustration last night or something? :crossx:

[topless]

Topless. Did I cause you some sexual frustration last night or something? :crossx:Well I must say you kept me up late. :crossx:

[djunkie]

Well I must say you kept me up late. :crossx:
Nice!!!!! But I guess I could say that I was done rather fast. :p :p

[topless]

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

[Devil's Advocate]

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

[djunkie]

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Now there is one thing I never miss....... The toilet that is, I have great aim. :crossx:

[topless]

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

[djunkie]

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
And I thought you were joking when you said you were gonna switch to women. :crossx:

[HM]

What is the difference between a wife and a job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

[topless]

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

[topless]

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.

[VanDeano]

What is the difference between a "Bitch" and a Whoore?
A "Whoore" will screw everybody.
A "Bitch" will screw everybody but YOU.

[topless]

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

[ChumpChange]

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfreind?
About fifty pounds.

[topless]

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.

[superdave013]

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock).
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
Now that's funny even if it was topless who posted it. LMAO
::
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
One if she knows what’s good for her. :crossx:

[topless]

Glad you liked it Dave :)
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

[ChumpChange]

What's the first thing a woman should do when she comes home from the battered womans shelter?
The dishes...if she learned anything.

[topless]

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

[all charged up]

Why were women given slightly larger brains than cows?
So they don't Sh@t everytime you play with their tits..

[Devil's Advocate]

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!

[topless]

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

[superdave013]

What's the difference between a our friend topless and a horse?
One brain cell that prevents her from shitting all over the place!
Ok, I fixed it for you! ;)
Oh man O man am I gonna get it. :D

[ChumpChange]

Ok, I fixed it for you! ;)
Oh man O man am I gonna get it. :D
Jokes are more fun with a personal twist. :)

[topless]

Ok, I fixed it for you! ;)
Oh man O man am I gonna get it. :DThat was evil (don't tell anyone, but I did laugh)

[topless]

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

[Seadog]

What is the term for a man with more than one wife?
Insane fool.
What do you say to a man with fear in his eyes?
Go home, the bar is closed.
Why do women have their breasts enlargened?
To counterbalance their butts.
What do men most regret about divorce?
The marriage that started it.
Why am I a dead man?
Because my darling wife is looking over my shoulder.

[Devil's Advocate]

20 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man!
1. Wow, and your feet are so big!
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. (giggle and point)
10. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
11. At least this won't take long.
12. I never saw one like this before.
13. But it still works, right?
14. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light...?
16. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird."

[ratso]

20 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man!
1. Wow, and your feet are so big!
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. (giggle and point)
10. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
11. At least this won't take long.
12. I never saw one like this before.
13. But it still works, right?
14. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light...?
16. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird."
We seem to think pretty much alike when it comes to the opposite sex... I've followed a few of your posts and they usually leave me lol... :idea: :D

[Holland]

Jokes are more fun with a personal twist. :)
Dude...Your jokes are killin me!
I think I will go slap the wife around now.... hahahaha

[Devil's Advocate]

We seem to think pretty much alike when it comes to the opposite sex... I've followed a few of your posts and they usually leave me lol... :idea: :D
I never claimed to be completely free of a little bad-wiring myself.. :D

[Mrs.Killer]

20 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man!
1. Wow, and your feet are so big!
2. Ahhhh, It's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. It's OK, we'll work around it.
7. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
8. Can I be honest with you?
9. (giggle and point)
10. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
11. At least this won't take long.
12. I never saw one like this before.
13. But it still works, right?
14. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
15. Maybe it looks better in natural light...?
16. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
17. Are you cold?
18. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
19. Is that an optical illusion?
20. I guess this makes me the "early bird."
Too funny!!!!