YeLLowBoaT
09-10-2006, 01:39 PM
Maxim, Nov 2005
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, shes going to outlive you.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, shes trying to keep herself in line.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you cant get a hard-on she assumes youre not attracted to her.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesnt get along with other women because shes either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
93. Girls who say, I love sports! are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game theyre talking about, are not.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when shes most fertile.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if its their car.
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
88. If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.Claire, 27
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterpartsand the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless shes Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitutescientific proof most women are decent in bed.
83. Women always want to believe what youre saying is true.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; its about the two girls. If youre lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because theres a good chance itll end the relationship.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, theyll take it.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job youve ever had.
78. I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after Ive come. Wait five minutes.Erin, 21
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and shell soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
74. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. Theyre trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.Suzy, 31
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
71. Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men dolower abdomen, nippleswe just get rid of them.Katie, 26
70. Unless theyre lesbians, she wont approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if theyre ugly. And, really, even if theyre lesbians.
69. If you have something to hide, shell find it.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or youll be friended.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
64. An online dating services survey found that a womans ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
62. A British study claims a womans chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
59. When Im drunk, I cant come. Not even with a vibrator.Lauren, 35
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
57. Most women think theyre better drivers than they are. Dont point this out while shes at the wheel or shell freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and shell change her tune. Ive known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy, says Evie, 22.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolies lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
52. Despite always complimenting another womans short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
51. Dont call her cute. In her mind its the same as not vomit-inducing. Sexy, OK. Hot, yes. ****ing awesome, only if shes at least slightly buzzed.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because theyre in denial about the size of their feetwhich they cant stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which theyre unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but theyre afraid you wont respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesnt make her less classy and shell probably go wild. Jger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazines readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her manincluding anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesnt mean she doesnt care about someone elses opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a whilepoker, chess, Ping-Pongand shell be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Womens public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than mens.
36. At one point or another, Ive gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. Im talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you dont like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. Its not about trust; its about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till its been satiated.Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. Its only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else theyre hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
30. Dont caress our faces while were kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.Rachel, 21
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didnt know.
27. Gain her trust when youre out by calling her at 10 P.M. Shell go to bed content youre thinking of her, even if youre slurping Jell-O shots off some skanks cleavage.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and youll see it more often.
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
20. All women think theyre smarter than their partners in some significant way.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places shell let you put it.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
16. Chicks arent afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
15. Girls dont want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to seeshe'll just want to leave early.
13. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesnt give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.Elena, 28
12. Studies show women are more attracted to macho guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, theyre drawn to good providers, otherwise known as chumps.
11. She likes one of your friends.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
9. The minute she decides shes even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to LOral (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. Thats your five oclock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, were not suggesting you shave.)
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
4. Foghats Slow Ride is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
3. The one breakup line shell never be able to argue you out of: Im sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.
2. Buying a present for your girl? Shell hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
_________________
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, shes going to outlive you.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, shes trying to keep herself in line.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you cant get a hard-on she assumes youre not attracted to her.
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesnt get along with other women because shes either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
93. Girls who say, I love sports! are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game theyre talking about, are not.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when shes most fertile.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if its their car.
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
88. If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.Claire, 27
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterpartsand the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless shes Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitutescientific proof most women are decent in bed.
83. Women always want to believe what youre saying is true.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
81. The threesome is not about you; its about the two girls. If youre lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because theres a good chance itll end the relationship.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, theyll take it.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job youve ever had.
78. I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after Ive come. Wait five minutes.Erin, 21
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and shell soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
74. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. Theyre trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.Suzy, 31
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
71. Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men dolower abdomen, nippleswe just get rid of them.Katie, 26
70. Unless theyre lesbians, she wont approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if theyre ugly. And, really, even if theyre lesbians.
69. If you have something to hide, shell find it.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or youll be friended.
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
64. An online dating services survey found that a womans ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
62. A British study claims a womans chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
59. When Im drunk, I cant come. Not even with a vibrator.Lauren, 35
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
57. Most women think theyre better drivers than they are. Dont point this out while shes at the wheel or shell freak and crash.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and shell change her tune. Ive known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy, says Evie, 22.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolies lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
52. Despite always complimenting another womans short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
51. Dont call her cute. In her mind its the same as not vomit-inducing. Sexy, OK. Hot, yes. ****ing awesome, only if shes at least slightly buzzed.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because theyre in denial about the size of their feetwhich they cant stand.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which theyre unsure.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but theyre afraid you wont respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesnt make her less classy and shell probably go wild. Jger helps.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazines readers are women.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her manincluding anal.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesnt mean she doesnt care about someone elses opinion.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a whilepoker, chess, Ping-Pongand shell be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
37. Womens public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than mens.
36. At one point or another, Ive gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. Im talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you dont like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. Its not about trust; its about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till its been satiated.Caroline, 28
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. Its only about four minutes long.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else theyre hovering above the toilet in a squat.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
30. Dont caress our faces while were kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.Rachel, 21
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didnt know.
27. Gain her trust when youre out by calling her at 10 P.M. Shell go to bed content youre thinking of her, even if youre slurping Jell-O shots off some skanks cleavage.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and youll see it more often.
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
20. All women think theyre smarter than their partners in some significant way.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places shell let you put it.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
16. Chicks arent afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
15. Girls dont want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to seeshe'll just want to leave early.
13. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesnt give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.Elena, 28
12. Studies show women are more attracted to macho guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, theyre drawn to good providers, otherwise known as chumps.
11. She likes one of your friends.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
9. The minute she decides shes even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to LOral (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. Thats your five oclock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, were not suggesting you shave.)
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
4. Foghats Slow Ride is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
3. The one breakup line shell never be able to argue you out of: Im sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.
2. Buying a present for your girl? Shell hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
_________________