I need some parental input....

[Tremor Therapy]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?

[cdog]

You make your bed you lay in it. I assume you have other kids. Do you want this person around them? Don't let one bad apple spoil the bunch. In my opinion your doing the right thing. Stand your ground.

[redneckgirl]

Hi TT...sorry for your troubles! But did I read that right she is 17 and living with her boyfriend?? Is she still in High School? I would hold your ground!!
RNG

[HocusPocus]

i agree with you, i wouldn't allow him to move in. does he have any counseling he has to attend, probation or random drug testing?

[bruddah]

ya i agree, until this guy mans up and addresses you being the man of the house and shows you the respect that you deserve that he obviously hasnt shown, do what your doing! if your daughter really wants him over she would tell him that he needs to do this in order for it to work! just my .02

[Cole Trickle]

So the kids buddy is a drug dealer?(Not your step daughters boyfriend)
Do you have any feelings that her boyfriend was involved in selling drugs or does drugs himself?
If you answer yes to any of the above questions I think your doing the right thing by being strong.
If the answer is clearly no and this kid is being black balled just based on the friends he has/had you need to look at the big picture before you crucify him.(Does he have a good job,does he have good parents,is he going to school and most importantly does he treat her with respect...)

[Cole Trickle]

i agree with you, i wouldn't allow him to move in. does he have any counseling he has to attend, probation or random drug testing?
I didn't get the impression that he is trying to move in?
I thought I read that she lives with him.
I would never let a member of the opposite sex to move into my household....NEVER (If you old enough to play adult your old enough to pay your own bills)

[BIGJOEDUCKSLAYER]

Kids these days don't know what man-up means, my son crashes my brothers corvette and almost totals it. I tell my son he will work to pay for vette to be fixed what ins. does not pay for, he says (my son)well kerry let me drive so he is also responsible. I tell son if he did not leave 300ft of black mark before he hit fence and 2 parked cars and if it was accident then maybe so, but turning off traction control and burning out is not accident! Sorry about rant, hold your ground and good luck. BIG JOE

[roostwear]

She's living with him, but "wants to get to know him better"? I may have a vivid imagination, but I doubt there's a whole lot left to get to know.
The wife is being a female, so just tell her how men settle these things and until he steps up and handles it like a man, he's welcome up to the curb and no closer. Sorry, not debatable.

[river redy]

First being that your daughter is seventeen and he is an adult is wrong, but I am totally on your side, since I have a seventeen year old daughter also. Do you know if he is still dealing or does he make enough money to make your daughter happy? or just go over an meet with him "suprise visit" and see for yourself, wether you kick the livin sh#t out of him or you accept him!!!!

[gramps]

I'm old and from the "old school"......if I were you I would have a short talk with the idiot, sorry I mean boyfriend, and explain to him that he had better dissapear very soon.

[lewiville]

i didnt even get to read the last thread here and wanted to chime in here. 17? why the hell isnt she working or playing sports???? you meet some of the nicest people that way.
Stand your ground. your wife should understand that you have a gut feeling on this one and she needs to understand that.
The other thing is ,,,, is she pregnat?

[Howie Feltersnatch]

The boyfriend is a criminal. Most likely a lot of criminal activity going on over at his place. Too bad about the stepdaughter but it sounds like she doesn't have a problem with going through the system for drugs so odds are strong she'll end up back there again regardless of where she lives.
Do you really want to bring all that into your home?

[Placecraft Dragstar]

Stand your ground :argue: :argue: Do not let that punk run your life :crossx: You are in the right :)

[spectratoad]

I don't have step-kids so I don't have that part of the problem. I do think you are doing the right thing. It is your house not his, you are the king and your wife is the queen of the house, not him. If he is only guilty by association with the drug dealer friend then maybe give him a little but if he slips in the slightest make sure the rope is there to hang himself with.
I believe in your principles since I am of the same thought process. Your not out of line here.

[R.A.D.man]

When I was younger, my sister did the same thing to my parents (no legal issues, just very undesirable boyfriend), my mom reacted the same way as your wife, my dad held the same opinion as you and held his ground always. He would bend to keep mom happy, but never allowed the boyfriend around. Simply stated, he made sure my mom and sister both knew he loved them and always would no matter what. In the end, thats what kept the family strong. It was serious enough then for me to think divorce was emminent due to some asshole guy. It's no doubt a difficult spot you are in. Good luck and be strong, I believe that's what brought my sister back. Her relationship with our parents has never been stronger and my parents are still together.

[AirtimeLavey]

Stay the course... :cool:

[Magic34]

You are in a really hard spot. You dont want her to be with the guy, but if you keep pushing away, it will only push her to the guy even more. However, he brought this black cloud over her. If she cant go to her family, he is the only thing left.
I dont want to get in the family biz... But how the heck did she end up moving in with him? That is really wrong at 17, heck even 18 isn't much better. Dont answer that question, but professional help like a psychologist, or I would use a hitman, might help as well.
I'd stick to my guns like you are because I am stubborn and think about the principal of the issue, but that may not be the right decision if you want her to one day get rid of this guy.
Either way it sucks. Sorry that you are in this situation.

[racecar.hotshoe]

You are doing the right thing.I wouldnt let him in my house.Cause when you do things come up missing(been there done that)he is what he is.........Take him to the river and let him ski on a pair of cement skis.......... :crossx:

[CARLSON-JET]

TT, DO NOT CAVE. You know what this stuff is, does and leads to. Your step daughter needs someone strong to show her that even hanging out with this type of crowd is unacceptable. The BF knew his friend was a JUNKIE. He thought nothing of bringing the girl who he proffeses to love into the ring.
All that being said, you cannot lose your relationship with the s/daughter. take her to dinner or whatever and explain this in simple to understand non emotional terms. I would also suggest not to totally allienate the POS BF from yourself completly. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This BF is an enemy if he feels these actions are acceptable. Good luck.. P.S. you may not know, but meth can be out of ones sytem in less then 72 hours and a test may show neg even sooner.

[ECeptor]

You are 100% in the right.
Hold your ground and keep doing the right thing.
If your wife can't see that or can't get over it, show her the door...plenty of other women out there.
I'm quick to forgive, but only if one recognizes thier mistakes and quites making them. Don't want to fess up or keep doing the same thing? There's the door...

[CARLSON-JET]

OH, and I don't care if the POS BF mans up or not.. He is bad news. :mad: I'm glad to see the opinions on this so onesided.

[PHX ATC]

Two words...YOUR HOUSE.

[Wolskis_Bar]

Don't even waste your time convincing anyone he needs to man up. Convince your S daughter and wife the BF doesn't have soul. I'm old school as well and in the throws of an argument I had with my daughter (15 at the time) last summer, things went silent and she looked me in the eye and said she was glad I was old school. Soon after we were at it again. She knows were I stand and I won't relent, but still pushes my button. Stay the course.

[Red Horse]

Women, dont get all bent out od shape on this, I am drunk and havine a hard time typing, however, I know something.
As the man of the family you are a leader. Leader set a path for the family, implement that plan and see it thru. Pull all players togetehr adn use this
JEDI M
Job: What you are supposed to do as my girls bf
E; Expectations
D: deliver theres expectatisosn
M: measeruer them to see where bs is
I: suggester ways of improvement
M: Measereu goa they stand agains t yoru standard.
If he doens nto mearerue up, sho0t his ass :cool: :crossx: :220v:

[OutCole'd]

Women, dont get all bent out od shape on this, I am drunk and havine a hard time typing, however, I know something.
As the man of the family you are a leader. Leader set a path for the family, implement that plan and see it thru. Pull all players togetehr adn use this
JEDI M
Job: What you are supposed to do as my girls bf
E; Expectations
D: deliver theres expectatisosn
M: measeruer them to see where bs is
I: suggester ways of improvement
M: Measereu goa they stand agains t yoru standard.
If he doens nto mearerue up, sho0t his ass :cool: :crossx: :220v:
Looks like RH got drunker while he typed..... :) :)

[Magic34]

Looks like RH got druker while he typed..... :) :)
LMAO... I thought the same thing.

[Bradman]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
I'm amazed that your wife would want to get to know this dirt bag. This guy knew his friend was a drug dealer and put her daughters future in jeapordy. She is a minor living with somebody who as friends that are drug dealers? Her boy friend gets her arrested, costs you guys thousands of $$$$, and she's mad at you? If I didn't do what you are doing, I know my wife would lose total respect for me. Your protecting your family and that is what real MEN do. Your wife should be grateful that you want to protect her and her kids.

[beerjet]

Good job TT , your right , they are wrong . Your families well being cannot be compromised . The only way he should be allowed into your house is if his head is hanging on the wall .
-beerjet-

[NoCal NoBoat]

TT -
All good advice, but lebel 409 describes a situation much like my former living arrangement in Post # 10.
IMO, the BF needs to step up and straighten things out with you personally.
He's fortunate that you're even considering talking to him.
I'd be p-o'd big time if things had gone down over a dime bag of weed.
Crystal meth ? Don't come around here no more, period...

[Tequila-John]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?
Time to man up bud

[Ziggy]

Reading what you write I make the assumption your wife is trying to rekindle her relationship with her daughter, thus she wants to try to accept her BF by getting to know him.....I can't see the harm in that alone. His history puts a big question mark on his head though and thats where you are standing and don't want to accept this fact....I don't see the harm in that either.
Only, this position taken by the two of you have YOU TWO at odds, not the kids relationship. Whether you like it or not she is going to be with him, at least for the forseeable future.
More facts need to be gathered IMO on the boyfriend. Was he actually involved with the druggie friend or just in the wrong place/wrong time??
.
You need to work it out with your wife if you value your relationship with her because until your Step-Daughter is well into her 20's you won't see her having much appreciation for you.....info we were taught by my FIL who had to deal with two Step-daughters so his daughter(my wife) had a better understanding marrying a man(me) who had a son. It was invaluable knowledge.
.

[Tremor Therapy]

Crystal meth ? Don't come around here no more, period...
Unfortunately that has been the crux of my arguement with my wife! If it had been weed or under-age drinking, the typical gateway mistakes of youth, then the family discussions, loosing your car, responsibility lecture, restriction action would have seemed sufficient from my parental aspect of the world. I would have probably cut them some slack...but not much!
But because the drug was at the top of the looser food chain I have ZERO tolerance, and I can't get my wife to understand that. She thinks he has turned the corner, but from what I understand he still pals around with the same crowd! My wife wants to believe with her heart that he is a good kid, and according to her he definately shows well, but I don't think you cruise a known druggie area just for kicks!
To clear up a few things...she is now over 18, and moved in with him after her 18th. The bust happened when they were both 17.

[Magic34]

If it was me... I'd hire a PI and have them tape some of the stuff they do. If it is no big deal, I'd keep that little secret from anyone, but if it showed drug use and other stupid stuff, I'd show the wife when the time was right.
Probably one of the worst ideas and expensive, but I'd prove the point that way. Also, depends on your spouse to see if she was supportive of it or all pissed off if you did it.
I guess at this point, she is 18 and you need to let her fall on her own face. Stick with what your program is. He doesn't need to part of your other kids' lives and you dont want him to be.
Ask your wife if she would be comfortable with your other kids going to hang out with their sister and boyfriend for the day. Maybe even spend the night with them to have some good ole brother/sister time, just the kids.
See how that goes over.

[centerhill condor]

The daughter is 18, how 'bout mom go visit them? Solves all the problems and keeps you from being under the watchful eyes of the drug cops. Mom wants to get to know him better? how 'bout in a holding cell?

[Flyinbowtie]

TT;
FWIW;
I think you are making the right decision here, and that is what this is centered on, isn't it?
If the boyfriend had good decision making skills, he wouldn't be taking the "love of his life" around to visit his buddy, who is a crank dealer.
If the boyfriend had good decision making skills, after they got popped he would have seen the light and stopped hangin with the crank dealer, and stopped taking your step-daughter around crooks.
If the boyfriend had any character, and cared at all about his girlfriend, then he would have sucked it up in the first place and taken the heat for the dope, so that she wouldn't be involved/implicated, no matter who's it was in the first place.
If the experience had changed him in any way, he wouldn't be hanging with his old crowd. non-users or those in recovery usually tend to not hang out with the old crowd. It tends to renew old habits. A dramatic change like the one he is in need of would be very apparent, and one of the first things he would have done would be to seek you out and set things straight.
I understand the touchy situation you are in. Standing your ground on this is what core values are all about. Until he proves to you that he has found some of his own, changing your position isn't the right move. Your wife needs to understand that what is going on here is a demonstration of the difference between being friends with the daughter, which would include tacit approval of her choices in life, and being a parent, which represents a role model for how to make the right choices.
No more, no less.
Good Job.

[28Prowler525]

Tell that little f*%k that everytime he comes into your house he has to piss in one of these.
http://www.rapidcup.com/images/AutoSplitKO.jpg
If he says no then you know he is still messed up. However, is he agrees then you know he is making an effort and maybe you can give him a chance.
The most important thing is that he needs to purchase a box of drug test kits and leave them at you house. If he is willing to put out the bread and take the test then he's probably trying to change.

[No Name]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?
PM topless, I’m sure she can help you. :D :D

[pixilatedpussy]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?
I commend you! Your wife needs to cut the cord..............& if she really cared about her daughter & her well being...she would never allow this boy back in her house or daughters life!
She needs to understand that while she is under 18 & living in your home..............YOUR RULES APPLY!
Good luck sweetie....you are a good man with wonderful values & I am so sorry she doesnt share them with you.

[ratso]

I would guess he is into the drugs, they cheat, lie, steal, and I don't even know of one that jail or prison hasn't changed, but they will do everything in their power to make you think they quit or aren't doing it. I would also bet she is at the very least experimenting with it, and things are too far gone to correct now. One of my exes is going through this with her son, has been for years, and he has cost her thousands already... with more pending, yet she bails him out every fukkin' time. Her current husband has had to go through all this for a few years now, put his foot down, and she has gone and filed for divorce because of it. Kick the dude to the curb, the stepdaughter to the curb... and if you have to, get rid of the wife also if she doesn't support your decision. Life is too short and it is your choice whether or not you want to go through this...

[Tremor Therapy]

Ratso,
I can always leave it to you to break it down to the most basic of elements, but I do have 2 other children who love their mom dearly (as do I). As far as man/woman relationships go, our main problem when dealing with issues like this are basic, and yet classic at the same time......she is the touchy-feely type, and I am the more logical thoughtful type. She will "feel" my response, and therefore doesn't want to sit through the discussion of why, when the "why" of the situation will reveal 99% of the process that brought about the final answer. In this situation she feels that I am being closed-minded and stubborn, yet she is unwilling to sit through my 5 minute explanation of why. :frown:

[Ziggy]

You all should go to a neutral location and talk in out.
My ex turned into a tweaker and never lost that habit to this day(over 20yrs now). Its not a habit easily dropped.
Anyone using this drug usually is easily identified physically and personality wise.
.
I would not however drop your gaurd, stick to your belief and stand your ground. Your wife runs the risk of incarceration if the kids are still involved and she's around or with them.
Lastly, its a know fact that unless they turn to new friends that are not involved with drugs and continue to 'hang' with former addict friends they HAVE NOT overcome the connection to this drug. That would be the biggest clue right off the top.

[ratso]

I personally wouldn't give this guy a chance after all the BS he has caused for your family. Being married with two other kids does make it tougher. I've seen women do some crazy things when it comes to their children, even when it potentially could damage other innocent ones. You can compromise, but you must also decide where the line is to be drawn. I have been with headstrong women like this, and you have to keep some kind of control over the situation and not give in simply because she doesn't want to listen to you. Ziggy is right also. They don't quit. Don't let this punk or your stepdaughter drag you down anymore.

[Big Warlock]

TT you are right on! Stick to your guns. You won't do her any favors by allowing him into the house. It's way too late when you're the one at the funeral saying "I told you so." Crystal Meth? Are you f*cking kidding me?????
I feel for you. But stand your ground!

[Dave C]

I agree with you!
Just to "humor them" you could listen to whatever Bullshiat story they want to hand to you (of course not believing one damn word that comes out of his jive turkey mouth ;) )
This way when the next f*ck up occurs, you can tell your wife "see I told you so, those fawkers lied to my face"
Nothing better than a good "I told you so" ;)
Unfortunately that has been the crux of my arguement with my wife! If it had been weed or under-age drinking, the typical gateway mistakes of youth, then the family discussions, loosing your car, responsibility lecture, restriction action would have seemed sufficient from my parental aspect of the world. I would have probably cut them some slack...but not much!
But because the drug was at the top of the looser food chain I have ZERO tolerance, and I can't get my wife to understand that. She thinks he has turned the corner, but from what I understand he still pals around with the same crowd! My wife wants to believe with her heart that he is a good kid, and according to her he definately shows well, but I don't think you cruise a known druggie area just for kicks!
To clear up a few things...she is now over 18, and moved in with him after her 18th. The bust happened when they were both 17.

[Wake Havasu]

Take the drug dealer boyfriend out to the desert to do a little shooting.
Then do a Cheney on his ass.
Your not helping your daughter or other kids in any way shape or form by blessing this relationship.
Behind each and every gang banging drug gangsta is a weeping enabling mommy that understands him.

[Tremor Therapy]

Trust me, there have been a number of occassions when I thought I would take the 9 out shooting over this fiasco!
The enabling factor is huge here. The step daughters father died a number of years ago, the 2 family relationship was sh*tty to say the least, and my wife feels she "owes" her daughter. I know I am in a no-win situation, but I need to make her understand that she is creating a no-win situation as well!
Me thinks this is going to be a loooooooooooong weekend. :argue:

[Dave C]

pass the poor guy a beer :cry:

[seanv]

tt, hold to your belifes and dont bend. the duke wouldn't. my ex has a 18yo daughter. the sweetest lil lady ever and her bf is a great man. yes i said man. he looks me in the eye when we talk. he shakes my hand not this "gimme a pound crap". and is very respectful/polite. when they first started to date her mother told me to be nice and i said to her, "if he doesnt treat her like i treat you 2 is he good enough?" she said,"good point"
you are correct.

[ratso]

Trust me, there have been a number of occassions when I thought I would take the 9 out shooting over this fiasco!
The enabling factor is huge here. The step daughters father died a number of years ago, the 2 family relationship was sh*tty to say the least, and my wife feels she "owes" her daughter. I know I am in a no-win situation, but I need to make her understand that she is creating a no-win situation as well!
Me thinks this is going to be a loooooooooooong weekend. :argue:
I have a nephew like that, puts everybody on a guilt trip making them believe they "owe" him too. Washed my hands of him years ago. He has done nothing but put my sister and her husband and his grandparents (my parents) through grief. I don't feel sorry for them though because they "enable" him. It was so bad that my sis and her husband has now filed bankruptcy from bailing him out every damn time he needed anything, and he works my parents too, and you can't tell them ANYTHING!!! He has already told his friends that when my parents farm sells, they are buying him a new truck. There is no cure for stupidity I guess... :mad:

[robsformula]

My father always told me while I was growing up, " If you hang around or do business with a dog with flea's eventually you will have flea's" Hold your ground. I had the same situation with my step son and his father and one of his friends. His grades went down and he was always down in the mouth. We finally were able to get him to confess that he had been smoking weed, he was 14 at the time. Now he is 16 and I put my foot down with his mom/my wife and told her he is not aloud to see him anymore. Both were madder than a wet hornet, but in the long run it was the right thing to do. He is now 16 no drugs at all and has a 3.8 grade point average. He is a good kid just made a bad choice. Good luck and hold your ground......

[KreatinKaos]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?
You are going about this in the wrong manner ... in fact you should open your home to the young man . Then perhaps a deep sea fishing or a hunting trip woulp help the two of you bond ... ACCIDENTS do frequently happen during these activities :crossx:

[Desert Rat]

He needs to sack up and approach YOU! Make it clear that in no way does he ever do an end around on you again! If he is truly clean and made a mistake you will be able to tell better if you two talk.
Remember the saying
Keep your friends close
and your enemys closer!!!

[mike37]

So I'll give it the short version....17 yr old step-daughter and boyfriend go to pick up boyfriend's drug dealer buddy (step daughter says she didn't know), cops are watching, stop them, and since my step daughter won't rat out boyfriend and friend, she becomes a resident of the state of California for crystal-meth (btw, she tested clean for drugs). Car impounded, thousands of dollars spent on all the needless b.s. that goes with it, etc.
Well fast forward 8 months to this morning, and my wife is acting all bent. I ask what the problem is, and she tells me it because I won't let the sh*tbag into my home. Her daughter loves him, is living with him, and she wants to get to know him better, and I am the one that is keeping him from becoming a part of our family. WTF? Now he has talked to my wife on a number of occassions, told her he was sorry, but never addressed me or our "family" and apologized for this serious lack of judgement.
Now I may be from the John Wayne school of being a man, but I believe he needs to man-up and admit his serious lack of judgement! My wife keeps telling me that it is in the past, I need to let it go, and that I am causing a serious strain on our marriage! I was definately brought up with some strong principles, I am unwilling to compromise them, but my wife is hell bent, and I feel that this could lead to more serious issues in the future...am I wrong?
I'm not even going to read the rest of the replies
it your wife that is cosing the rift by allowing her daughter to date a low life and expect you to allow him in your home
just cus the girl has bad judgment doesn't mean you should to

[DAB]

Alan, man oh man... I hope things get better for you... Stick to your heart/head... no f'n way would I let that guy back... a friend of a friend..give me a break.. keep these young ones away from this kind of shit. Hell you're awfully calm..ask Barry what happened to the last ******** boyfriend that was feeling a little frisky one afternoon :cool:
David

[mike37]

and one more thing if he says he is clean that ask him to prove it
have him tested one day just say lets go get a test right now and see what happens

[vee-driven]

TWEAKERS SUCK and they are like cockroaches they never go away.

[Coach]

Anyone associated with Meth you should ban and run like hell from. Very few ever recover from the drug. Even if they do their brains are fried. Your daughter might hate you now, but in the long run she will thank you. Ban this guy and anyone else from your house and general area. In the long run they will be trying to steal your stuff and sell if to get high. I beat the shit out of my brother in law 6 years ago after he pushed my pregnant wife at the time in front of his mom. Meth head. We cut off all contact at that point. We have not seen him in 6 years, he only calls when he get out of jail looking for money.

[PHX ATC]

weekend's over...............

[jimslade]

Stay the course. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. Only pressure in the right direction will force the change.

[jbone]

Sounds like it is getting close to a Dr. Phil show.
If it were me, 17 year old would be at home, school or work and that's it!
I don't get the part about she was arrested because she didn't "rat out" the boyfriend and/or drug dealer. She may have been a little more involved than she led you to believe. If the boyfriend has a drug dealing friend, he either uses or deals too. If he uses or deals, she uses or will use in the near future. I like the drug test mentioned above, but she should use it to prove she is clean. "Trust but verify."
And, if the wife is willing to throw away your relationship over this situation, the relationship is probably doomed already.
J

[THOR]

I am sorry to hear this, but if it were me, I would tell my wife he is only allowed in my house if he passes a drug test. For that matter, a 17 year old shouldnt be living with the bf at all, so that kind of judgement is f&^%$# up and should be rewarded. F you, you arent allowed in my house period. Get the F out.

[Boozer]

Alan, you are doing the right thing.
I have watched way to many friends and family members go from hero to zero status overnight because of crystal meth. I don't care what anyone says once an addict always an addict and crystal meth is a drug I have not witnessed one single person ever come back from completely. Even when they are off the stuff they will always have that craving and sooner or later slip up.
Personally I think you need to find a way to get your step daughter away from that douche rag bf of hers. If her mom feels like she's obligated to do sh*t and be accepting for her daughter then she should feel obligated to protect her daughter from a meth head c*ck sucker. If you find out that your step daughter herself is using I think it is altimatum time.
Based on the experiences and dealings I have had with meth addicts in my life I feel that each one should be entitled to one oppurtunity to go straight. If they blow that oppurtunity then they should be executed immediately. Methheads lie, cheat, steal, and hurt people without any remorse and are one of the biggest problems with todays society.

[shockwavebd]

Alan, man oh man... I hope things get better for you... Stick to your heart/head... no f'n way would I let that guy back... a friend of a friend..give me a break.. keep these young ones away from this kind of shit. Hell you're awfully calm..ask Barry what happened to the last ******** boyfriend that was feeling a little frisky one afternoon :cool:
David
No shit if I was a young guy I would not date dave's girls,,,,,,,,,unless my first name was Jesus..................................

[Tremor Therapy]

Well after some heated discussion M-F, My wife and I did not really discuss it this past weekend. My wife worked both Saturday and Sunday (so she could go to Havasu with the rest of the family), and when I tried to bring it up, she did not want to talk about it. I have mentioned to her that this is not a closed topic, and that we both need to sit down, clear the air, and set down the parameters of what we consider acceptable behavior.
A number of strangers and friends have sent me pm's about this, and I was really surprised at the difference in points of view. But after much thought, I do have my plan of attack pretty much under control. That being said, I am going to stand fast with my decision that he is not welcome in my home as long as he continues down the path that he is walking. He has only been 18 for a few months, he has been raised by a single mom, and he truly may not be mature enough to know or truly understand the enormity of his past actions. But to even begin the process he needs to at least start by knocking on the door and apologizing. If he is man enough to start there, then he might just have enough character to come to me in the future and man-up for his serious lack of judgement. However, there was 1 point that a friend stated that made me re-think the severity of my initial decision.
We all made mistakes and sometimes ran with unsavory characters during our youth, and maybe this was their mistake (both of the kids). If they have turned the corner and learned their lesson, then I need to show support, not aggrevation and anger. Another point a person made was that just because they are both 18 does not mean they are adults....just yesterday they were children. Life experiences make you an adult. Just the same, this is something that will be discussed out in the open. They need to know what I (we) expect out of them as responsible young adults, and make them both painfully aware of their poor choices. They need to understand my (our) limits and intolerance for this kind of behavior and associates, and that further instances like the last one, and they are done!

[ECeptor]

Well after some heated discussion M-F, My wife and I did not really discuss it this past weekend. My wife worked both Saturday and Sunday (so she could go to Havasu with the rest of the family), and when I tried to bring it up, she did not want to talk about it. I have mentioned to her that this is not a closed topic, and that we both need to sit down, clear the air, and set down the parameters of what we consider acceptable behavior.
A number of strangers and friends have sent me pm's about this, and I was really surprised at the difference in points of view. But after much thought, I do have my plan of attack pretty much under control. That being said, I am going to stand fast with my decision that he is not welcome in my home as long as he continues down the path that he is walking. He has only been 18 for a few months, he has been raised by a single mom, and he truly may not be mature enough to know or truly understand the enormity of his past actions. But to even begin the process he needs to at least start by knocking on the door and apologizing. If he is man enough to start there, then he might just have enough character to come to me in the future and man-up for his serious lack of judgement. However, there was 1 point that a friend stated that made me re-think the severity of my initial decision.
We all made mistakes and sometimes ran with unsavory characters during our youth, and maybe this was their mistake (both of the kids). If they have turned the corner and learned their lesson, then I need to show support, not aggrevation and anger. Another point a person made was that just because they are both 18 does not mean they are adults....just yesterday they were children. Life experiences make you an adult. Just the same, this is something that will be discussed out in the open. They need to know what I (we) expect out of them as responsible young adults, and make them both painfully aware of their poor choices. They need to understand my (our) limits and intolerance for this kind of behavior and associates, and that further instances like the last one, and they are done!
Bravo! That's a helluva plan!

[bruddah]

sounds like you definately have it under control! just remember like my dad always told me, birds of a feather flock together! but it couldve just been a mistake but he does still need to approach yuo in mind!

[Chromegorilla]

Looks like shit, smells like shit...... must be shit.
Like Spike Lee said.... "Do the right thing." Hold your ground on this one....no doubt about it.

[beerjet]

Sounds like they wanna stick ya on the back burner till she's 18 (by not talking about it).Make them talk about , it involves your whole family and should not be pushed aside without some kind of discussion You have a great plan and great morals and I for one will employ them in my home .
-beerjet-

[CARLSON-JET]

Well after some heated discussion M-F, My wife and I did not really discuss it this past weekend. My wife worked both Saturday and Sunday (so she could go to Havasu with the rest of the family), and when I tried to bring it up, she did not want to talk about it. I have mentioned to her that this is not a closed topic, and that we both need to sit down, clear the air, and set down the parameters of what we consider acceptable behavior.
A number of strangers and friends have sent me pm's about this, and I was really surprised at the difference in points of view. But after much thought, I do have my plan of attack pretty much under control. That being said, I am going to stand fast with my decision that he is not welcome in my home as long as he continues down the path that he is walking. He has only been 18 for a few months, he has been raised by a single mom, and he truly may not be mature enough to know or truly understand the enormity of his past actions. But to even begin the process he needs to at least start by knocking on the door and apologizing. If he is man enough to start there, then he might just have enough character to come to me in the future and man-up for his serious lack of judgement. However, there was 1 point that a friend stated that made me re-think the severity of my initial decision.
We all made mistakes and sometimes ran with unsavory characters during our youth, and maybe this was their mistake (both of the kids). If they have turned the corner and learned their lesson, then I need to show support, not aggrevation and anger. Another point a person made was that just because they are both 18 does not mean they are adults....just yesterday they were children. Life experiences make you an adult. Just the same, this is something that will be discussed out in the open. They need to know what I (we) expect out of them as responsible young adults, and make them both painfully aware of their poor choices. They need to understand my (our) limits and intolerance for this kind of behavior and associates, and that further instances like the last one, and they are done!
TT, Your plan sounds well thought out to an extent. May I add that it is still incomplete as long as your S/daughter has access to your home. This access can lead to the BF gaining access. I would lock my stuff up and hide the valuables. ( guns, jewlery & CC) Possibly change the locks to the doors.
As innocent as just one time appears. Reallity usually plays out that said deeds have been done repeatedly, then are finally caught. How many times can you speed before getting ticketed? (no pun intended) I honestly would pull the S/D aside well before letting the B/F know of your thoughts on his poor choices. She is the focus IMO.
Unfortunatly I have witnessed many parents spending more time and resources on rehab instead of college on their young thoughtless adults.
I have also witnessed these same thoughtless young adults steal more than they ever deserved before, during and after being busted. All the while claiming to be reformed.
I honestly think the girl has a chance. The young man on the other hand.... He blew his chance. We only get one life. Is your wife willing to risk her daughter on the chance that this kid fell through the cracks. That he made a mistake and promisses never to misbehave again? What if next time things go bad? every punk dealer these days carries a weapon.
I hope this gets worked out in a reasonable time frame. I also pray it gets resovled where it becomes a positive learning expirience for all involved.
Good luck to you and your family.