Her454
11-26-2002, 10:31 AM
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots
of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed
as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human
Resources Director
December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholic
Anonymous requesting a non drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget
about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to
the rest rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there
will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Rat races
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots
of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed
as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
$10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis Human
Resources Director
December 2nd
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that
often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year).
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholic
Anonymous requesting a non drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget
about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to
the rest rooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there
will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen
to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Rat races
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party
at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the
table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get
salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director