I need some jokes...please post some good ones here for me...Thanks

[DILLIGAF]

Give your best ones and we will keep adding to it :)

[Havasu_Dreamin]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
.
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Full :p

[racecar.hotshoe]

there was a blonde, burnette, and a red
head in a bar. the red head says i was
looking through my daughters purse the
other day and i found a cigarette. i didnt
know she smoked. the bruntette says
i was looking through my daughters purse
too and i found a joint.i didnt know she
did drugs. the blonde says i was looking
through my daughters purse too and i
found a condom. i didnt know she had a
dick!

[racecar.hotshoe]

What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
A dill doe

[TexasChopper]

here is the short version...
guy walks up to his wife with a hog under his arm and says "here's that pig I have been F**Kin...wife says "that's not very nice"... guy says "i wasn't talking to you"

[racecar.hotshoe]

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.
One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "we are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal."
Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.
The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the news paper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he look up and says, "Oh girls. You should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day." All at once the girls get up and head for the door.
"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"

[whoya]

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[racecar.hotshoe]

Dad walks in on his son and says....son I told you if you keep doing that your going to go blind........Kid says dad I'm over here! :p

[whoya]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." :)

[Mattman]

Kid runs in the house and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Mom just got hit by a truck!!" Dad says, "Son you know my lips are chapped. Please dont make me smile."

[whoya]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand, stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks-"Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out, "I'll be damned, my girlfriend's gone too!"

[beerjet]

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c290/beerjet/ATT00043.jpg

[beaverretriever]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender says "Hey, whats up with the steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?"
The pirate replies "Arrrrggg, its drivin me nuts!!!" :)

[Chadman!]

An older couple from Colorado decides to travel across country. The lady is a little hard of hearing. As they were traveling through a small town the guys says, "I am going to stop off and get some gas." The lady says, "What???" He says, "I IM GOING TO STOP OFF AND GET SOME GAS!!!" "Ok." she says.
While they were there, the guy says, "I think while we are here I am going to use the bathroom." She says, "What???" He says, "IM GONNA GO INSIDE AND TAKE A PISS!!!" "Ok," she says.
When the man comes back out, the gas station attendant was admiring the license plate and says, "Colorado huh? I only knew one babe from Colorado. Worst piece of ass I ever had." The lady sticks her head out the window and says, "What???" The guy says, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"

[whoya]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West
Virginia.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking
lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed
an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the
car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) --
flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and
then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently
waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing
lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer
test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll
have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer
equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly, "Tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy..."

[RandyH]

About three months ago my wife got her credit card stolen. But I am not reporting it because the bum who stole it is spending less that she was.
RandyH

[whoya]

A couple has a dog who has a horrible snoring problem when it sleeps. The
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the
closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The Husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue
ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we
were, or what we did, but by Gosh we took first and second place!"

[Devilman]

This one always cracks me up....LOL
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

[Chadman!]

A guys walking down the beach and trips over a bottle. A genie pops out. The genie says, "Geez, I have been trapped in there for a long time!! I guess I could grant you one wish." The guys says, "Great!" He pulls a map out of his pocket and says, "Could you bring peace to this country?" The genie says, "I dont think so, they have been fighting for a long time. Way longer then I have been a genie." "Oh," the guy says. "Well, do you think once a month you could make my wife voluntarily give me a BJ?" The genie says, "Ah, let me see that map."

[Angry Inch]

Why aren't there any casinos in Africa? http://www.inventorusers.nl/images/smilies/devil.gif Cause of all the cheetahs.

[Devilman]

LMAO :rollside:
<A guy sits down in a cafe` and asks for chili. The waitress says,"The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He orders a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it."
The first guy takes the bowl and starts to eat. When he gets about halfway down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

[whoya]

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the
Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[Sean@magic]

What do you say to a girl with no tits?...................nothing
How do you make 5 lbs. of fat look pretty??
Put a nipple on the end of it!!!

[Devilman]

<How come the leper couldn't speak?
The cat had his tongue.
<How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
<When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.
<What's the definition of "making love"?
Something a women does while a guy is f*cking her.
<Why can't Avon ladies walk fast?
Their lipstick.
<What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
You can eat your mom's apple pie.
<Why can't men show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
<What happened to the Polish rocket ship?
At 500 feet it ran out of coal.
<What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's cock.
<Where do you look when there's a missing gerbil?
The Lost-and-Brown Department.

[Havasu_Dreamin]

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.
"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned."
Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you learn?"
Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores."

[racecar.hotshoe]

A guy and his friend goes to see his grandma to get some money.The boy and grandma go to get her purse the other kid see a plate of peanuts and begin eating them.Grandma and the other kid comes back in the room..The friend says sorry I ate all your peanuts....grannies says that ok since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them. :p

[whoya]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fif! th grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chi! cken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!

[whoya]

There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is brunette and they
inherit the family farm . Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are
in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so
that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, ! I'll contact you to drive out after me and home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister
a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our farm . I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute
! and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few
minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the
word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul that bull
back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read
it very slowly .... com-for-da-bul"

[Chadman!]

A guy was on a plane going from LA to Miami. It was triple engine 727. About halfway threw the flight the captain came on and said, "Folks, we are having a little problem. It seems one of our engines is malfunctioning so we have to shut it down. Its ok though, we still have two others so we will still make it. Its just going to take us about another two hours." The blonde lady sitting next to guy madly said, "Oh great! I have to be in Miami by a certain time!"
A little later in the flight, the captain came back on and said, "Well folks, we are still having problems. Another engine has malfunctioned and we are going to have to shut it down. Its ok though, we still have that last engine. Its just going to take us about another three hours." The blonde lady, furious now says, "Oh, thats terrific! If we loose that last engine, we are going to be up here all day!"

[SB]

A Woman's Poem
>
>
>He didn't like the casserole
>
>And he didn't like my cake.
>
>He said my biscuits were too hard...
>
>Not like his mother used to make.
>
>I didn't perk the coffee right
>
>He didn't like the stew,
>
>I didn't mend his socks
>
>The way his mother used to do.
>
>I pondered for an answer,
>
>I was looking for a clue.
>
>Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
>
>
>
>Like his MOMMA used to do.
--------
Blondes Porn..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Blonde's Skin Flick!
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Mary: "Head Cleaner."
------
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for
the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a
sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub
and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to
throw it back, he saw a one legged man masturbating
furiously right there at the bar. "For ****'s sake!" the tourist cried,
"What the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and
I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's
wanking himself off in the bar!"
"Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't
expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
XXXXXXXXX
A few days before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man
accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for
a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about
it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed
instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing
the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was
that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn
to trust me.
XXXX
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's
reading."--Emo Philips
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee
- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."--Emo Philips
"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said,'Thyroid problem?'" --Emo Philips
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live
in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who
are apparently doing quite well for themselves."--Emo Philips
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to
the first ***** house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick
him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five
dollars, he gets kicked out again. So by this time, he's really super
horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five
dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!" The guy
there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin." "What's a
penguin?" "You'll see." So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man
to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his
"penguin." Soon, a ***** comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job.
Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the
horny guy jumps up, with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting
"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
---------

[SB]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba
gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the
guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down 25 feet
more, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set,
and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written,
and wrote, ..."I'm drowning, you f***ing moron...!"
XXXXXXXXX
Why don't Congressmen use book marks?
Because they like to bend over pages!
---------
Top 30 things you will never hear a Southern boy say
1. Oh I Just Couldn't, She's Only Sixteen.
2. I'll Take Shakespeare For $1,000, Alex
3. Duct Tape Won't Fix That.
4. Come To Think Of It, I'll Have A Heineken.
5. We Don't Keep Firearms In This House.
6. We Don't Feed That To The Dog.
7.No Kids In The Back Of The Pickup,It's Just Not Safe.
8. Wrestling's Fake.
9. We're Vegetarians.
10. Do You Think My Gut Is Too Big?
11. I'll Have Grapefruit & Grapes Instead Of Biscuits & Gravy. 12.
Honey, We Don't Need Another Dog. 13. Who Gives A Damn Who Won The Civil
War. 14. Give Me The Small Bag Of Pork Rinds. 15. Too Many Deer Heads
Detract From The Decor. 16. I Just Couldn't Find A Thing At Wal-Mart
Today. 17. Trim The Fat Off That Steak. 18. Cappuccino Tastes Better
Than Expresso. 19. The Tires On That Truck Are Too Big. 20. I've Got It
All On The C Drive. 21. Unsweetened Tea Tastes Better. 22. My Fiancee,
Bobbie Jo, Is Registered At Tiffany's. 23. I've Got Two Cases Of Zima
For The Super Bowl. 24.Checkmate. 25. She's Too Young To Be Wearing A
Bikini. 26. Hey, Here's An Episode Of "Hee Haw" That We've Not Seen. 27.
I Don't Have A Favorite College Team. 28. You All. 29. Those Shorts
Ought To Be A Little Longer, Betty Mae. 30. Nope, No More For Me. I'm
Driving.
----------
A cabbie picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you
have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley"
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned.. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Bob and I'm going to a
Halloween party."
---------
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...
---------
VISIT TO THE DOCTOR
"Don't laugh!" said the patient.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Rob, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Rob replied.
--------
A man entered the bus with both of his front
>>>>> > pants pockets full of golf balls and sat down
>>>>> > next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde
>>>>> > kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
>>>>> >
>>>>> > Finally, after many such glances from her, he
>>>>> > said, "It's golf balls."
>>>>> >
>>>>> >
>>>>> > Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him
>>>>> > for a very long time, deeply thinking about what
>>>>> > he had said.
>>>>> >
>>>>> > After several minutes, not being able to contain
>>>>> > her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt
>>>>> > as much as tennis elbow?"

[SB]

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth* in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the linen closet.* She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
-----------
Q: Do you know why sex is a simple, three-letter word?
A: Because it's easier to spell than:
UhhhhhoooohhAhhhhhhAIIEEEEEEEahahahahahohgoddon'ts topnowyou're
sogoodIcan'tstandthisanylongerohohohohohpleasenown ownowyesyesyesyes
ohhhhhhhgawdyesssssssssssss
XXXXXXXXXXX
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly.
It was the incredibly ugly girl in the passenger seat that
gave you away."
XXXXXX
A cowboy walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. "I hate
Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted
my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the
head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two rednecks sitting in the bar named Jethro and Cletus looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when
suddenly they saw one; Jethro threw a rock which hit the Indian right on
the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a
ravine. The two made their way down the ravine where Jethro pulled
out a knife to claim their trophy.
Suddenly, Cletus said, "Jethro, take a look at this." Jethro replied, "Not
now, I'm busy."
Cletus tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should
look at this."
Jethro said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my
hand." But Cletus was adamant. "Please, Jethro, take a look at this."
So Jethro looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were
five thousand Indians.
Jethro just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're
going to be millionaires!"
---------
Top Ten Signs Barbra Streisand's Gone Nuts
10. When a fan shouted, "Sing 'Memories'," she beat him to death with her high heel
9. Declared jihad on Liza Minnelli
8. At conclusion of "The Way We Were," bites off the head of a bat
7. Turned down an offer to save 15% on car insurance by switching to Geico
6. Invited Mel Gibson to come over and watch "Yentl"
5. Now believes that people who need people are only the third-luckiest people in the world
4. When a cameraman accidentally photographed her from the wrong side, she shot him with a 12-gauge
3. Refers to James Brolin's "Transmission needing work" if you know what I mean
2. Finally had a nose job -- to make it bigger!
1. Well, this is her fifth farewell tour.

[SB]

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?
They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine
and dine your date, and stick her with the bill.
====
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey
----------
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if
she has had a good time.
She tells him yes, but to get her really horny, she likes her men to be
rough, tough & selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a
bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his
newly-rented Harley and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When
they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom, and asks
her, "Well, was I rough enough?"
"Yes," she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough enough?" he ventures.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, its time to be selfish", he says, and j***s off.
----
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around
at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If
you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it
for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually
people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to
help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it
for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so
far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it
for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband
and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
-----------
One day this mechanic was working late under a
car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.
"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.
Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake
fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a
little more today."
His friend got a little concerned but didn't say
anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup
full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll
have some more today." And so he did. A few days
later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his
friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that
brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You
better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said, ... "I can stop any
time."
----
One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off
the coast of England when the scout yells, "There's
a English ship on the horizon." Immediately,
the crew looks to the captain, who valiantly
says, "Bring me my red shirt." The captain dons
the shirt and the British ship commences the
attack. The captain and his men fight valiantly
and crush the british attackers.
A few days later, the scout yells, "There are
three English ships on the horizon." Immediately,
the crew looks to the captain, and again he says
(in his most manly voice), "Bring me my red shirt."
Again, the English ships begin their attack and
the pirates fight off all three of the attacking
ships.
After the battle is over, one of the mates
sheepishly approaches the captain and asks, "Sir,
why do you keep asking for your red shirt?" The
captain replies, "I ask for the red shirt so
if I am injured in battle, you will not see my
blood, and will continue to fight." The crew
is in awe with these words.
The following week, the scout yells, "There
are ten English ships on the horizon." The crew
again looks to the captain, waiting for him to
ask for his red shirt. He is silent for a moment
and then says, "Bring me my brown pants."
----------
This is the fairy tale that women should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle,
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself...
... "I don't f***ing think so."
-------

[91nordic29]

one night, patty stays at the pub just a little too long. he stumbles to his car and starts the drive home.
down the road, he sees large fallen tree in the road and swerves to miss it. just a little further, another fallen tree and another swerve to miss it. this happens over and over and patty cannot figure out why all the fallen trees in the road.
just about that time, a cop pulls him over and asks "patty, why are ya swervin all over the road?"
patty says "well, didnt ya see all the fallen trees in the road? i had to swerve to miss 'em all"
the cop just shkes his head and says " FER CHRISSAKES, PATTY! IT'S YOUR AIR FRESHENER!" :)

[Mrs. Bordsmnj]

Why do mermaids wear seashells?
Cuz B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big!!!!
ahahahahahahhahahha

[Devilman]

Whats the difference between a woman in church & a woman in the bathtub?
Woman in church has hope in her soul & a woman in the bathtub has soap in her hole.....
:rollside:

[diggler]

What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
A dill doe
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator :D

[diggler]

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dictator :D
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino! (say it out loud please, if you've never heard this OLD joke!)

[diggler]

What does Michael Jackson and an Olympic Silver Medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind!
boooowahahahaaaa! I love this one!

[91nordic29]

an elderly gent who is a little hard of hearing has to go in for a check up. his wife goes with him and once inside the doctor's office, the doctor says " i will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample."
the old man asks his wife loudly, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
his wife says "HE SAYS HE WANTS YOUR UNDERSHORTS!"

[Devilman]

LOL...
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-drunk, slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her g-string to one side and gave her a good seeing to. After he'd finished, Robbie turned and said "It's your turn now, Elton", but Elton started crying. Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?" Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

[MOBrien]

a foursome is coming off the 18th green and notice an obviously uncomfortable woman making the turn with her group. They ask her what gives and she says she got stung by a bee and she was in a bunch of pain. They ask her where it happened and she responds with "between the 1st and 2nd hole but it's still killin me". One guy responds quickly with, "ah-ha, I think your stance is too wide".
BWAAAAHHHHHHHH.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D
OK, then this other gal is taking instruction from the local golf pro and they're at the driving range on her first lesson. This chick is getting bummed because she is not making any progress and can't seem to make solid contact if any at all. Pro says, "try holding the club like you're holding your husbands' cack". She does it and hits one about 100yds right down the middle & she's all excited. Golf pro then says, "that was great, no take the club out of your mouth and let's go for some distance".
hehehehe....... :crossx:

[desertbird]

http://www.jokeland.com/

[Chromegorilla]

Q. What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A. Lean Beef
Q.What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground Beef.
Q.What do you call a cow with Tourettes Syndrome?
A. Beef Jerky.
Q. What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
A. De-calfinated

[Chromegorilla]

Ok those jokes were udderly ridiculous......

[Chromegorilla]

I think I've milked the cow jokes enough....

[Cole Trickle]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

[voodoomedman]

I think I've milked the cow jokes enough....
What do you call a bunch of cows masturbating?
Beer Stroganoff
:D:D:D

[Havasu_Dreamin]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break"?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi turd."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "s*&%head."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.

[UltraClean]

So a wife tells her husband..... "honey when i die and your in the car on the way to the cemetary i want you to promise you will let my mom sit in the car with you"
....husband replies..."ok honey but its gonna ruin my day"

[AZKC]

Jokeindex.com :)

[Arkansas]

Why did the Homo like working at the discount mens store?.....
There pants were always 1/2 off

[Havasu_Dreamin]

A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days . instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are
you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY G__, I left the baby on the bus again!"
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She
opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house. A little later she
came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it,
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to
the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."