Great smartass answers

[hoolign]

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.... she said, Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger? The stock boy replied, No maam, theyre
dead.
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. Now class, I
wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever A smart ass guy in the backS
of the room raised his hand and asked,What would you say if tomorrow I said I
was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is
reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says Well, I guess youd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[RiverOtter]

I like #2 :D

[topless]

LOL, how about some that you have used before.
I once went to the Stampede in Temecula with a girlfriend of mine and were were at the bar ordeing drinks. A song was on and we were kind of dancing as we were waiting for our drinks. A guy walked up and asked me to dance so I told him I already am thanks.....I guess ya had to be there.

[dragboat]

I was at the checkout at the hardware store buying alot of stainless bolts. The lady looked at the large pile of small pieces and then looked up at me hopefully and asked " How many?"
I said " DUUUHHHH, All of them!" :D

[hoolign]

LOL, how about some that you have used before.
But ..I have never been a smartass to anyone:confused: :confused:

[Boatcop]

We try to contact boats on the River after the sun sets (but still somewhat light out), and tell them that they need to get off the water or have navigation lights. The inevitable question is "When is sunset?"
I tell them "When you can't see that big yellow thing in the sky anymore."

[Throttle]

you can also get smartass answers from phebus, just fyi

[hoolign]

We try to contact boats on the River after the sun sets (but still somewhat light out), and tell them that they need to get off the water or have navigation lights. The inevitable question is "When is sunset?"
I tell them "When you can't see that big yellow thing in the sky anymore."
:D

[Jim W]

So, it's summer time. I am about 18 or so and really hot outside. I mean REAL hot summer weather. I was living with my parents in a apt. that had a wall air conditioner in the living room and one in their bedroom. Every wed. night about 7:30 my parents would go and play bridge at the bridge club. As soon as they walked out the door my girlfriend was over and we would bang away for a few hours...NICE!!! Well, It's so hot we ended up in my parents bedroom since it had it's own A/C and was always nice and cool. We are in the bed and just going right at it. I used to ride this little babe like a rented mule. All of a sudden the bedroom door opens up and my mother is right there looking at us. My Mom is just standing there and finally says "didnt you hear us coming?" My girlfriend with out hesitation says " we were to busy coming ourself's!!!"..... Turns out bridge night was canceled they had a few drinks with friends and came home early. To this day, 33 years later, the moment has never been brought up again by either of my parents LOL.
Be good, Jim

[hoolign]

So, it's summer time. I am about 18 or so and really hot outside. I mean REAL hot summer weather. I was living with my parents in a apt. that had a wall air conditioner in the living room and one in their bedroom. Every wed. night about 7:30 my parents would go and play bridge at the bridge club. As soon as they walked out the door my girlfriend was over and we would bang away for a few hours...NICE!!! Well, It's so hot we ended up in my parents bedroom since it had it's own A/C and was always nice and cool. We are in the bed and just going right at it. I used to ride this little babe like a rented mule. All of a sudden the bedroom door opens up and my mother is right there looking at us. My Mom is just standing there and finally says "didnt you hear us coming?" My girlfriend with out hesitation says " we were to busy coming ourself's!!!"..... Turns out bridge night was canceled they had a few drinks with friends and came home early. To this day, 33 years later, the moment has never been brought up again by either of my parents LOL.
Be good, Jim
I'd brin git up just to test moms memory:D

[topless]

So, it's summer time. I am about 18 or so and really hot outside. I mean REAL hot summer weather. I was living with my parents in a apt. that had a wall air conditioner in the living room and one in their bedroom. Every wed. night about 7:30 my parents would go and play bridge at the bridge club. As soon as they walked out the door my girlfriend was over and we would bang away for a few hours...NICE!!! Well, It's so hot we ended up in my parents bedroom since it had it's own A/C and was always nice and cool. We are in the bed and just going right at it. I used to ride this little babe like a rented mule. All of a sudden the bedroom door opens up and my mother is right there looking at us. My Mom is just standing there and finally says "didnt you hear us coming?" My girlfriend with out hesitation says " we were to busy coming ourself's!!!"..... Turns out bridge night was canceled they had a few drinks with friends and came home early. To this day, 33 years later, the moment has never been brought up again by either of my parents LOL.
Be good, JimNow that one is classic!!!! LMAO........:D

[shockwaveharry]

Back in the day, a group of us were up at Parker for another great weekend camping at Echo. The parents of my buddies girlfriend had a place up near the dam and they invited all us kids up for dinner. Being a "River Couple" and as cool as they were, the beer flowed as freely as the cuss words and there was no conversation really considered "taboo". So, we're sitting around the table enjoying the BBQ, making some noise and the table conversation naturally turns to sex. Knowing that her daughter is sexually active, Mom starts a little joking around about safe sex, condoms and such. I could tell she was trying to get some kind of confirmation that they were using rubbers and she wasn't liking their answers. Finally, she asked point blank if they were worried about getting pregnant. Before here daughter could answer, my buddy pipes up and says "not unless her ovaries are in her throat!".
The silence was deafening.
I don't remember ever getting together at their house after that... :o

[HM]

Back in my partying days at SDSU, we used to hit the Red Onion in Mission Beach. My brother-in-law(my sister's husband) comes down to party with me and we check out the scene at the Red Onion. These chicks come up to us and ask us to buy them drinks. Well, since we weren't there for picking up chicks we start being smart asses...and tell them to buy us drinks....and they did. Then they start in with some small talk and we do nothing but be smart asses. They finally get the picture and leave.
Later in the parking lot, we are just kind of hangin and watching the drunks leave. We spot one of the chicks that bought us a drink and riding this guy in the front seat of his truck. I yell to my bro-in-law (because we were plastered)...hey...that is one of the bitches that bought us a drink! Then, this other chick yells out from inside the car we were standing next to as she had her window open "Hey asshole, that is my fukking sister!" And without a blink, I said "Well, you got your adjectives right!" Her victim/date laughs so hard he gets out of the car and high fives me. She just rolled her window up.

[mickeyfinn]

Had a problem with a verizon phone, was getting nowhere and had been talking to the store manager. After realizing that I was dealing with someone incapable of simple reasoning, I told her that it didn't sound like she was going to be of any help at all and that I would be calling their corporate office. She responded by asking if there was anything else she could help with. I had been there for over an hour and was getting a little irate, so I said yes "You can let me speak to someone who either has intelligence or authority since you obviously have neither". She smiled picked up a cell phone and dialed a number.She turned her back to me for a couple of minutes, then turned around and handed me tbe phone. It was the "District manager" or some title. Five minutes later I handed the phone back to her and he instructed her to change my phone as originally requested. 30 minutes later I was out the door with my new phone. Amazing that who they let you talk to depends on the terms you use.:D

[HM]

It was 3 AM and I'm on the corner in my leather and this dude comes up and he's like "Hey Punk..." and I'm like "Yeah Whatever!!!"

[HM]

Whatever!!!!

[2Driver]

LOL, how about some that you have used before.
I once went to the Stampede in Temecula with a girlfriend of mine and were were at the bar ordeing drinks. A song was on and we were kind of dancing as we were waiting for our drinks. A guy walked up and asked me to dance so I told him I already am thanks.....I guess ya had to be there.
Funnny to you but it has left a scare on me all these years :D

[Gman]

I once asked a girl for a dance she responded "no thank you" So I then said "well then I guess a blow job in the parking lot is totally out of the question". :eek:
God that girl gave a great BJ.:D
JUST KIDDING SHE WAS PRETTY PISSED.:mad: