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View Full Version : Alcoholoroscopes, the drinkers horoscopes



bigq
02-14-2007, 07:53 PM
Aries here and pretty damn close:D
FINALLYÂ…ACCURATE horoscopes
Alcoholoroscopes
ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't
know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to
closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty
flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to
get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become
bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be
forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the
same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really
horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a
mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is
a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills
red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference
for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is
quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by
any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious
(full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag
to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking! style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--
they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard
to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state
of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky)
with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every
round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow
drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.
CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner
or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and
insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers
are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy
when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and
spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even
your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla,
and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit,
probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who
brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just
try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over)
Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their
bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less
than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to
sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully
shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect,
but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend
used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence
tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I
m so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate
to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device
set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators
when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras
are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into
all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too
early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even
blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll
smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and
screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as
something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -
though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists
and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you
did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their
own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This
is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of
Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the
people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to
travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun.
Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of
loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and
Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.
And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just
like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they
generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after
party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except
for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and
if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're
too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly
charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital
drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get
them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk
people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused
strangers while sober.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you
share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli
and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty
tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand,
they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime.
With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and
wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be
read two ways you know

HavasuSelect
02-14-2007, 07:56 PM
Good stuff. LOL.

shueman
02-14-2007, 08:03 PM
Phunie stuff....:)

RaceFace
02-14-2007, 08:42 PM
LMAO!!!! I am the Taraus through and through!!!! Very funny!!!! :messedup:

DeltaSigBoater
02-14-2007, 08:56 PM
I've always wondered who comes up with this stuff.
Who ever did sure hit the nail on the head.

photo chick
02-14-2007, 10:21 PM
Yeah it was pretty much right on for me too!:eek:

TAF
02-15-2007, 05:48 AM
Yeah it was pretty much right on for me too!:eek:
I'm a Pisces. :sleeping: A dick tive:idea: :sqeyes:
:D

rampgirl-top
02-15-2007, 07:02 AM
Oh dang its right on for Libras'! That is too funny...ever notice you can read every horoscope in the paper and all of them tend to be true??

HM
02-15-2007, 08:12 AM
Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.
And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
Now you guys might better understand me. Thank you, thank you very much! :D

All-Star
02-15-2007, 09:14 AM
OOOps, Im the Aries. And yeah its true...
But at least im not boring!!!!!:sqeyes:

mrs.rvrluvr
02-15-2007, 11:51 AM
This thing is so right! I'm a Scorpio and I LOVE my Jack Daniels.

SummitKarl
02-15-2007, 01:03 PM
yup this just about sums it up for me:D
GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking! style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--
they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard
to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and
allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state
of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky)
with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every
round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow
drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

HavaTan
02-15-2007, 03:18 PM
OMG!!! Scariest thing I ever read! I am Aquarius to the T.

photo chick
02-15-2007, 04:06 PM
This thing is so right! I'm a Scorpio and I LOVE my Jack Daniels.
Hey a fellow Scorpio chick!!! Yeah it was very scary to read how close it is...

Kim Hanson
02-15-2007, 04:58 PM
Now you guys might better understand me. Thank you, thank you very much! :D
You are a not a Capricorn , wannabe maybe :D :D I am a :jawdrop:
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and
Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.
And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just
like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they
generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after
party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie. Kim has left the sand box :D :D ..........( . )( . )..........