Teenage Daughters Owners Manual

[RitcheyRch]

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a
teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it
describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers
important questions about your warranty (which does NOT
include the right to return the product to the factory for a
full refund).
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To
determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged
girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with
more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknow ledge
your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting
money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of
these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice
try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged
daughter, you will initially experience a high level of
discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you
will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period,"
during which you are becoming accustomed to certain
behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will
start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place
her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming
is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to
shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do
this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAU GHTER: Having a teenaged daughter
means learning the difference between the words "clean" and
"neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take
frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will
scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to
use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they
have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom,
which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If
you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing
"clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have
time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them.
These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter
requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at
restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany
her to these restaurants, because some people might see you
and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner
with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her
the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer
the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and
ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an
attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of
dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing
which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy
shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter
wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce
her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house,
but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she wil l
be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two
levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your
daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do
won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has
your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not
fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your
teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it
takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has
already happened and as far as you are concerned never
really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged
daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your
warranty does not give you your little girl back under any
circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -- you just have to look for her.

[lawbreaker2]

I'm scared.:eek: Mine is 11

[Mr. C]

I'm scared.:eek: Mine is 11
You should be scared, very scared:D
mine is 17 and oh what a ride it has been, good kid and all just a teenage girl.

[lewiville]

mine will be 9

[CBadDad]

Oh shit, that is dead on...and my daughter is only 13. :(

[soupersonic]

They missed a few pieces to the puzzle, but thats pretty damn funny :)

[909punk]

Mine is now 22.. that is VERY accurate.

[topless]

My daughter is 17 also and it gets worse before it gets better.

[RiverToysJas]

That must be for "other people", my little 4yo girl will never be like that!
......I just keep telling myself that! ;)
RTJas :D

[topless]

That must be for "other people", my little 4yo girl will never be like that!
......I just keep telling myself that! ;)
RTJas :DGive her about 8 years. I will be laughing because I said the same thing.

[bchbum]

I'm fawked , I have twin 11 year olds . I see their older friends from the dance studio , hoping , hoping & hoping . My buddy just bought his 16 year old girl a 3 year old mustang for her b-day . WHY , His 2 younger ones will be looking for the same thing .This guy has to work almost 80 hours now to pay the bills & still trying to buy his kids.

[lilrick]

my SON is 4 weeks today and he's gonna be chasin' your daughters down the beach at the river!!!:D

[boattunez]

LMAO - great article ! :sqeyes:
Our 24 year old daughter took us on quite a ride during those teenage "wonder" years (wondered who was gonna make it thru them alive!) ! :eek:
But stay the course, be her friend, but more important, be a PARENT when you should be - the trip is well worth it! :D

[yopengo]

Oh man that is spot on. I have two 17 and 7. I think ill be dead by the time my younger one gets to be a teenager. The older one is already talking about getting pasties for Havasu…. :2purples: just shoot me now. :cry: :hammer2:

[Baja Big Dog]

To quote Yopango's sig......One Burbon, One Scotch, One Beer!!!:)

[Misogynist]

I don't have any children... but my brother has two daughters The youngest is now 19 and the oldest is 27... I guess he was lucky... he didn't go through any of the headaches that most people go through with teenage daughters... They were both responsible and virtually trouble free. :D

[RiverToysJas]

I don't have any children... but my brother has two daughters The youngest is now 19 and the oldest is 27... I guess he was lucky... he didn't go through any of the headaches that most people go through with teenage daughters... They were both responsible and virtually trouble free. :D
http://www.***boat.com/ubb/graemlins/idea_2.gif ....As well as great liers and advanced in the art of manipulation! ;)
RTJas :D

[Ziggy]

yup, mine is 13 and fits the profile very well........:eek: :)
.
cracks me up, the double standards here on HB. Just remember all the girls that are oogled here regualarly are someones daughter........:idea:

[ahhell]

thank GOD I have boys
:D :eek:

[photo chick]

I don't have my own kids but raised my husband's daughter from 13 to 18....YIKES!!! My mom loved it as she saw it as the payback she'd been waiting for. It was enough to ensure I would never have my own!!!!!! She's now 24 and a wonderful girl, not sure how she lived through it all...
Good luck to those of you with little girls!!! I have one word for you PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!!:D :D

[topless]

I don't have my own kids but raised my husband's daughter from 13 to 18....YIKES!!! My mom loved it as she saw it as the payback she'd been waiting for. It was enough to ensure I would never have my own!!!!!! She's now 24 and a wonderful girl, not sure how she lived through it all...
Good luck to those of you with little girls!!! I have one word for you PATIENCE!!!!!!!!!!:D :DPatience my ass! I say get medicated until they move out!

[photo chick]

Patience my ass! I say get medicated until they move out!
Yeah, I think that was my approach too!!!:D must have been cause I can't remember:D :D :D
Hey I finally made it to Denver girl!!! It's freezing here and there's all this nasty white stuff everywhere:eek:

[topless]

Yeah, I think that was my approach too!!!:D must have been cause I can't remember:D :D :D
Hey I finally made it to Denver girl!!! It's freezing here and there's all this nasty white stuff everywhere:eek:Look on the bright side, you're not stuck in an airport. LOL

[photo chick]

Look on the bright side, you're not stuck in an airport. LOL
That's true!!!!

[racecar.hotshoe]

Lock the door's and get a Shotgun W/scope..............:D

[TAF]

I'm scared.:eek: Mine is 11
Mine is 12 and acting like 16:mad: :( :sqeyes: Where is the nearest convent:idea: "Boys" talk is rampant! :sqeyes: :devil: :) :)

[photo chick]

Mine is 12 and acting like 16:mad: :( :sqeyes: Where is the nearest convent:idea: "Boys" talk is rampant! :sqeyes: :devil: :) :)
Take Racecar's advice NOW while there's still time!!!! Actually use it on her mother, that would solve a lot of problems:eek:
j/k Rob!!!

[TAF]

My daughter is 17 also and it gets worse before it gets better.
If she keeps it up she may surpass my sister's car accident record? :eek:
Thanks for the Valentine joke yesterday Topless. My daughter is 12 going on 16.:devil: :sqeyes: :(

[RitcheyRch]

My thoughts exactly. Mine will be 17 in April and has sure been tough.
You should be scared, very scared:D
mine is 17 and oh what a ride it has been, good kid and all just a teenage girl.

[TAF]

Take Racecar's advice NOW while there's still time!!!! Actually use it on her mother, that would solve a lot of problems:eek:
j/k Rob!!!
I'm not sure what part referred to my Ex- who has banished me from her house after I'd been watching my kids there for the past 6 yrs. helping them w/ their homework, feeding them and making sure they do their chores at her house. After one week, I went in to use the restroom and my daughter's bedroom and bathroom were dumps! Not at my house shoe don't!!!:devil:
:D
Suppose the Ex- might have a new boyfriend herself she wants to bring home.
Whatever!:D

[Mr. C]

My thoughts exactly. Mine will be 17 in April and has sure been tough.
we just (yes i say we because it affected everyone in the family) went through the boyfriend break up a little while back, you know the world is coming to an end, i'll never find anyone that i liked as much as him.
After a couple months of hell, guess what , they get back together and all the planets are aligned again.

[photo chick]

we just (yes i say we because it affected everyone in the family) went through the boyfriend break up a little while back, you know the world is coming to an end, i'll never find anyone that i liked as much as him.
After a couple months of hell, guess what , they get back together and all the planets are aligned again.
Oh....wait til' you absolutely hate the boyfriend, they break up, you're trying real hard to hide the joy you feel inside while comforting her. Then just when you think you'll never have to see this punk again...wham! He's at the front door and they've gotten back together...:mad:

[Misogynist]

Oh....wait til' you absolutely hate the boyfriend, they break up, you're trying real hard to hide the joy you feel inside while comforting her. Then just when you think you'll never have to see this punk again...wham! He's at the front door and they've gotten back together...:mad:
Rotflmao.... I think I've been "that" punk before....... :devil:

[DaddyMack]

Ugh!!
Yea.. I have TWO one 11 and one 15-1/2....needless to say.. hormone hell...
And drinving with the 15 year old has been a peach.. luckily I had her start at 14 and I have had to only grab the wheel once..lol..:sqeyes:
My boy is 12.. he is simple now... lol.. younger I would take the girls over the boys anytime... now.. its the opposite...lmao..

[RitcheyRch]

Been through that same crap time and time again. My Daughter seems to have a different boyfriend every few days. There have been a few that have been met at the door by Mr. Benelli due to their interests (white power)and such that I did not agree with.
we just (yes i say we because it affected everyone in the family) went through the boyfriend break up a little while back, you know the world is coming to an end, i'll never find anyone that i liked as much as him.
After a couple months of hell, guess what , they get back together and all the planets are aligned again.

[Tahiti350]

My oldest will be 18 in June, but I only get to see her about 7 weeks a year due to divorce adn the 2500 miles separating me and the ex. I missed a lot of this, (not all by any means), but will get to go thru it in depth with my now 5 y.o. baby girl. Yeah.....

[PunkAssBitch]

thank GOD I have boys
:D :eek:
HAHAHAHA......yeah, don't think you're in the clear there! I could tell you some magnificent stories, and mine are 15 & 7.........ooh lordy.
My advice to all of you with girls......put 'em on Birth Control, like, yesterday :eek:

[Kim Hanson]

HAHAHAHA......yeah, don't think you're in the clear there! I could tell you some magnificent stories, and mine are 15 & 7.........ooh lordy.
My advice to all of you with girls......put 'em on Birth Control, like, yesterday :eek:
So you do talk newbie :D I have went through all that shit with 3 girls,21,20 and 18. Needless to say beer works good, everyone with cell phones and meeting every boy then went on dates with and threaten the shit out of them :D :D It worked, not one girl pregnant :idea: :D :D .........( . )( . ).........

[My Man's Sportin' Wood]

Patience my ass! I say get medicated until they move out!
HERE, HERE!!!!

[Kim Hanson]

HERE, HERE!!!!
No, No..Here, Here :D :D ...........( . )( . )...............
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME _ DATE OF BIRTH _
2. HEIGHT WEIGHT I.Q _ DRIVERS LICENSE #
5. HOME ADDRESS
If No., EXPLAIN _
7. Number of years your parents have been married
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_
_
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
_
How often do you attend
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
___
Signature (That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause
you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might
want to watch your back)

[KreatinKaos]

My daughter wants to be a nun ... she just doesn't know it yet :devil:

[My Man's Sportin' Wood]

Hell, I'm medicating right now! My teenage daughter spilled water on my brand new laptop and killed the keyboard. (Insert another drink here) Needless to say, she will be without hers all weekend while mine is in the shop. (Insert another drink here) I wish I could just sleep the next four years, better yet, just put her to sleep for the next four years. When she wakes up, it'll be time to ship her out of state to college. :D

[Throttle]

my daughter has her moments as do i... i love her and always just try to be here for her when she wants me to be... after a divorce things just are not eazy...

[JetBoatRich]

We love our Daughter, she is the best:D Graduation HS in a few months, started taking college classes a couple weeks ago so she can be ready for it next fall:rolleyes:
For being a teenager, she has been very responsible and one of the best kids I know

[AltarGirl]

Yep, sounds pretty accurate to me :)

[Elkidminoltu]

When she wakes up, it'll be time to ship her out of state to college. :D
I can tell you right now, that's not the best idea either. Coming from a male college student, girls who suddenly get out from under their parents' roofs seem to think they have a ton of freedom and that nothing can stop them. I've seen many hit the wall when they realize the stupid decisions they made b/c of this attitude. KEEP HER AT HOME!! YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF WHEN SHE DOESN'T FAIL, GET PREGNANT, OR END UP ON COLLEGEHUMOR.COM!! :sqeyes:

[Arkansas]

According to something I recently heard.....
If your teenage daughter smokes cigarettes regularly then she is sexually active...something about a perpensity toward dangerous behavior...