Early Friday Humor

[Infomaniac]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the
metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no
problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 100 mph,
then 110, then 120 mph.
Suddenly, he thought ,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the
Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of
the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
driving 120 miles per hour that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back."
"Have a good day Sir", said the Trooper.

[RitcheyRch]

An oldie but a goodie. Still makes me laugh reading it. :D

[Decided Advantage]

Nice. :D

[HM]

Hey...I have a real life story like that (minus the joke part about the wife).
I got radared by a Chino Police at 125 in my old Porsche 928S. He pulled me over and asked me why I was going so fast. I told him I was just "airing" the car out on a clear day...with no traffic. He said..."My shift ends in 15 minutes, and I then leave to go to my brother's wedding...which I am in. I don't have time for this. Can you please please please slow down?"
Should I have said no? :D
Oh....but he had time for me to pop the hood so he could see the old Porsche Aluminum V-8.

[Kim Hanson]

Good one Ron, I have always like this one........( . )( . ).........:D :D
One day, little Johnny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister’s room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what
she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, Johnny’s mom asked what happened.
Little Johnny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and
laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever,
cuz she said she was feeling hot.
So sister’s boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just
like the doctor would.
Except he’s not so smart because both of them got sick and they started
panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around
and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them
sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend’s pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long!
anyways he gripped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell
open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about
the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting
its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from
biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and
the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!
I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were
dripping out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back
to the bed anyway!
He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It
jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this
time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead
because I saw sis boyfriend peel it’s skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
Little Johnny’s mom fainted

[Kim Hanson]

Best joke ever
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
> cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili
........( . )( . ).................:D :D :D