I needed a phuchin' laugh, today

[JB in so cal]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a littleperch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You
actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse withreasonable competence on almost anytopic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."What are you talking about?" asks the guy."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at thedoor in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.
"THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and
lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his kneesand began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
my perch!"

[fat rat]

:D :D :D ...............that was good, thanx!

[Devilman]

Here's a few decent ones....
A lady goes into a sporting-goods store and says to the salesman, "I need a present for my son's birthday."
The salesman says, "How about this skateboard?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Thirty-nine ninety-five."
She says, "Too much."
He says, How about this baseball bat?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Eight ninety-five."
She says, "All right, I'll take it."
He says, "You wanna ball for the bat?"
She says, "No, but I'll blow you for the skateboard."
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Three guys are hanging out in a bar. Two of them are talking about how they control their wives, but the third guy is quiet. After a while, one of the two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third guy says, "Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first guy says, "Wow. What happened then?"
The third guy says, "She said,'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
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Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". "Why is that?" said the other tramp.
"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."
The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."
"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?" "Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."
LMAO, that last one always cracks me up... :D