Best of jokes

[Caljamr]

Post your best jokes.
**************************
A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man: "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."
"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr. Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
Well, what?," says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
The FISH," replied the warden.
"What fish?" replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as most city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some government employees.

[LaveyJet]

A rancher got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture him about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the rancher feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The rancher said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the rancher says, "Well, circle flies are common around livestock. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The rancher says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the rancher says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[topless]

Larry H Parker was duck hunting in Montana. Recently, he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck that I just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine, " replied the farmer." The lawyer asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "and I don't care."
"I am Larry H Parker a famous lawyer from California," came the reply. I am the lawyer that never loses a case and I'm rich. If you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana, the law we go by ... is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it," said the lawyer. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times and if you make it back to your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours."
The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubled over, the farmer kicked him in the face. And when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, the lawyer slowly got back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said the lawyer. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

[Sleeper CP]

My current favorite joke. I can't tell it any better than this so here it is:
http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa150/Sleepercp/?action=view&current=ChimponPenguins.flv
:D
Sleeper CP
Big Inch Ford Lover:D

[ChumpChange]

My current favorite joke. I can't tell it any better than this so here it is:
http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/aa150/Sleepercp/?action=view&current=ChimponPenguins.flv
:D
Sleeper CP
Big Inch Ford Lover:D
AWESOME!!!!

[ck7684]

How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
_______________________________
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder .
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records
__________________________________
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
____________________________________________
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
:D :D :D

[Caljamr]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Sleeper CP]

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked
into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad
saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed
the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on
little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find
Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny
going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you
doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its
your mom is it?!'
Sleeper Cp
Big Inch Ford Lover:D

[MR.rvrluvr]

why dont you eat puzzy in the mornin?
ever try to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart....?!!!:D :D :D

[pancho]

what did Madonna say to Michael Jackson at the beach?GODAMMIT MIKE YOURE IN MY SON!

[racecar.hotshoe]

A dad walks in on his kid spanking it and says son if you keep doing that your going to go blind........(The kid)...Dad im over here.......:D

[Tunnel Vision]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Liberator TJ1984]

YO MAMMA's Soooo Ugly !
Even the Dog closes his eyes when he humps her leg ! :eek: :D

[Caljamr]

http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/Joke.jpg

[Get415]

whats a vampires favorite kind of popsicle ?
a used frozen tampon!!!! :devil:

[pancho]

caljamr,good one,i`m sure its gonna piss off someone,GET OVER IT

[SandbarScot]

To the top!!!

[Caljamr]

Best lawyer story
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way ?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[Caljamr]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Keith E. Sayre]

Bill Clinton and some of his buddies were hunting last year in Wyoming. They
came around the corner and there was this sheep stuck in the barbed wire
fence. They stopped and jumped out and one of the guys named Barrack figured what the heck and went over and pleasured himself on the poor sheep who was stuck in the fence and couldn't move. One by one, they each took a turn on the poor sheep. Finally Bill said, do you mind if I take a
turn and they all said go ahead. So Bill ran over and stuck his head in the fence!

[LaveyJet]

Bill Clinton and some of his buddies were hunting last year in Wyoming. They
came around the corner and there was this sheep stuck in the barbed wire
fence. They stopped and jumped out and one of the guys named Barrack figured what the heck and went over and pleasured himself on the poor sheep who was stuck in the fence and couldn't move. One by one, they each took a turn on the poor sheep. Finally Bill said, do you mind if I take a
turn and they all said go ahead. So Bill ran over and stuck his head in the fence!
I think I saw that one!
http://www.yorkshirewalks.org/diary/coxwold1/3896.jpg
http://www.moonbattery.com/archives/Bill-BJ-Clinton.jpg
http://img271.echo.cx/img271/5603/bushlaughing5qe.jpg

[Caljamr]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful,sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running sh oes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the
next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in
better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to
go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.

[earl-bob]

Wife Wakes Up One Morning And Tell Her Husband
Hunny I Had The Crazyest Dream I Was At A Wille Auction
One About Six Inchs Were Going For 50 To 60 Bucks
And One About 7 Or 8 Were Going For A Hundred
And The Ten And Bigger Were Bringing A Thousand
So He Ask Her What Were The Ones Like Mine Bringing??
She Said O Hunny They Were Giving Those Out For Door Prize's

[earl-bob]

Husband Wakes Up The Next Morning He Tells The Wife He Has Had The Almost Same Dream Ecept They Were Sellin Beavers
He Told Her The Used Up Ones Were Going For 50 -60 Bucks
The Hardly Used Ones Were A Hundred
And Brand New Never Used Were Bring One Or Two Thousand
So She Has To Ask Did You See Any Like Mine?
He Waits A Minute And Says Yes I Did I Saw 2
2 She Ask All Happy
He Says Yep We Had Cold Beer In One
And We Were Throwing The Emptys In The Other!!

[topless]

OK Earl_bob, these are for you.:mad:
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says...."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

[earl-bob]

Funny Ones
Why Do Women Have Small Feet?
So They Can Get Closer To The Sink

[Sleeper CP]

Sleeper CP:
Brooklyn Tony ON MATH:
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Sleeper CP;)

[RiverGames]

Jonny is seven years old
and unlike any
other boys
his age rather
curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit
about 'making out'
from the older boys, and he wondered
what it was
and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his
mother, who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.
This he did. The following morning,
Johnny
described EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis must
be getting sick, because her face started
looking
funny.
He must have thought so too, because he
put his
hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,
just the
way the doctor would. Except he's not as
smart as
the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble
finding her heart. I guess he was getting
sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started
panting
and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold
because he
put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began
to moan
and sigh and squirm around and slide
down
toward
the end of the couch. This was when her
fever
started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis
told him
she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making
them so
sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his
pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and
stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway
he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting
away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her
eyes
got big, and her mouth fell open, and
she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She
said it
was the biggest one she's ever seen; I
should tell
her about the ones down at the lake by
our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the
eel by
biting its head off.The eel spit on her face
a little bit and then, All of a sudden she
grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he
took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it
over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she
could get
a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying
on top
of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a
fight.
Sis started groaning and squealing and
her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they
wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between
them.
After a while they both quit moving and
gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure
enough,
they killed the eel. I knew because it just
hung
there, limp, and some of its insides were
hanging
out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired
from the
battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly,
the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up
and
started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats- they have nine
lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and
tried to
kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35
minute
struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was
dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel
its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.

[Sleeper CP]

This is a long one too.
Joe had been having headaches for many years and his
wife finally convinced him to see a neurologist.
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that, it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way
to relieve the pressure is to
remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked, and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under
the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
He walked down the street; he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new
beginning, and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing st ore and thought, "That's what I need..a new
suit."
He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said, "Let's
see, size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "Let's see, 34
sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right; how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. He walked
comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "A h ha, I've got you, I've worn a size 34
since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size
34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS
Sleeper CP
Big Inch Ford Lover:D