Surrounded By Idiots .....

[Her454]

The last one may be a re-post, but funny none the less.......
Top 8 Morons of 2002 (so far)
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.He received a $26 million severance package.Perhaps, it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed
up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he! failed to keep his hand
in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating,
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft.
boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they "putted" to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!!

[Blown 472]

:D :D :D

[Havasu Hangin']

If you wanna make yourself look good...
...surround yourself by idiots (I always say)...

[miller19j]

8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating,
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft.
boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they "putted" to a nearby marina, thinking someone
there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!! LMAO….Are their really people that stupid? Please tell me this is not true?

[Flat Nasty]

Her 454, I recognize some of those from the Darwin Awards (best book ever published), the one listed below is from the book as well and has to be my favorite!
LIGHTNING DATE - 1998 - HERE IN ARIZONA
A pre-med student from the University of AZ was hoping to score with his date on a Friday night. To put the woman in the mood, he drove her to a secluded spot on Mt. Lemmon, which overlooks the city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll and admired the city lights.
Lulled by the romantic locale, the lissome lass succumbed to his passionate pleas. They tore their clothes off, made a bed of their garments, and began to make love. The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead mingled with the low rumble of thunder inside them. The excited lovers never looked up to see the charred skeletal remains of trees on the knoll.
Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity that night. With a blinding flash, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought the path of least resistance straight down. Incredibly, he survived, albeit in excruciating pain.
The heat of the bolt had fused together flesh and latex so that the two lovers were now stuck together by their most intimate parts. The woman unfortunately did not survive the lightning strike. When the student looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend he realized she was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her. When he found that he couldn't, a wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's face and open mouth. The horror and pain of the situation caused him to black out.
Attracted by the smell, a bear made its way to the lovers and began to lick semidigested pizza and Buffalo wings from the dead girl's face. The student roused from his stupor. When he saw the bear, he realized there was nothing he could do but remain silent, petrified with fear.
To his horror the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones just inches from his ear. The bear also sampled the student scraping the back of his scull with its teeth, before moving on.
At 11:35 A.M. a group of hiking Girl Scouts arrived at the lovers' tryst, where the pre-med student's car was parked. Minutes later three shrieking girls discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially eaten girl several meters toward the road. Doctors managed to separate the student from the corpse.
A hospital source reported that his penis resembled "a small piece of cauliflower" in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain that the student was unable and unwilling to achieve an erection. Since his traumatized organ will no longer function in a procreatory sense, he is eligible for a Darwin Award.

[Her454]

THANKS FOR THAT VISUAL! I had forgotten about that one....ughh. Remember the guy in AZ also (hmmm) that tried the jet propelled car and fused himself into the rock and asphalt....anyone have it?

[Chaddyshack]

Stupid people are my bread and butter here at the ole Sheriff's Dept.!!!!!!

[Flat Nasty]

I've got the car one somewhere, will post when I find it. Definately a classic!

[JetBoatRich]

You take the trailer off?

[MJ19]

Havasu Hangin':
If you wanna make yourself look good...
...surround yourself by idiots (I always say)... Is that why we are all hanging out here? :p wink

[Havasu Hangin']

MJ19:
Is that why we are all hanging out here?wink

[hd&boatrider]

That was some very funny #$&%! lol

[Mandelon]

I would heartily concur that the aforementioned anecdotes are indeed quite humorous.

[Mrs Big Boy Toys]

Here's a Stupid test (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Sands/7085/stupidtest/page01.htm) to see if you are a stupid person.
[ January 23, 2003, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Mrs Big Boy Toys ]

[NEW 2 RIVER]

#8 Has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard. :D :D :) rotflmao

[MJ19]

Mrs Big Boy Toys:
Here's a Stupid test (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Sands/7085/stupidtest/page01.htm) to see if you are a stupid person. I passed with flying colors...who would answer yes to those? :confused:

[Raskal]

if no one was stupid how would you no if you were smart :confused:

[MJ19]

Raskal:
if no one was stupid how would you no if you were smart :confused: you wouldn't "no" but you might "know" :p wink

[JetBoatRich]

MJ19:
Raskal:
if no one was stupid how would you no if you were smart :confused: you wouldn't "no" but you might "know" :p wink Good grammer check! wink

[Mandelon]

Surrounded By Idiots ..... I thought you meant us....... wink

[Her454]

Mandelon:
Surrounded By Idiots ..... I thought you meant us....... wink DING! Mandelon wins the prize! I was wondering who would make that connection.....!

[Mandelon]

WoooHooooo I am a weiner!!!!

[Flat Nasty]

4 days later but I just came across this one... some people's kids!
Jet Assisted Take-Off
1995 Darwin Awards Winner
Confirmed Bogus by Darwin
The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.
The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.
It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.
Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.
The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:
The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.
The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-SHIT."