Men And Women Equations

[FMluvswater]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay 2 bucks for a 1 buck item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 buck for a 2 buck item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more cash than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

[spectratoad]

I will have to send this to my wife. :D I think that you have just uncovered the underpinnings of life. This could be as important as Darwin's theory. wink

[FMluvswater]

LMAO! :D
Sigh. If only I could take credit for being the first to observe, analyse and post the above accuracies. :D Nope. Some other intuitive gets that honor. :rolleyes: :)

[HighRoller]

Don't forget....Man is not complete until he's married.Then he's FINISHED!!!

[FMluvswater]

LMAO! :D :D :D

[Raskal]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
thats scary its so true eek!

[spectratoad]

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable and volatile.Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next
to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM)for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
:D :D

[FMluvswater]

Damn spectratoad you're killin' me here!! That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time!! LMAO! http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/cwm/cwm3d/3dbiggrin3.gif

[spectratoad]

Had to find something comparable to your initial opening there. :D :D
But then again is there really any true equation :confused: I though it was a Mars/Venus thing? :D :D
FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store. Amen.
[ May 13, 2003, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: spectratoad ]

[FMluvswater]

spectratoad:
Had to find something comparable to your initial opening there. :D :D
But then again is there really any true equation :confused: I though it was a Mars/Venus thing? :D :D Comparable? I think what you posted blew mine out of the water! I'm glad you added the prayers in this thread too! They so belong here! :D I think you're right about the whole Mars/Venus thing - more I try to understand the more the comprehension eludes me so I just like observing and enjoying the ways men are odd and women are normal. wink LOL! J/K! (maybe) :D

[spectratoad]

I just like observing and enjoying the ways men are odd and women are normal. HEY NOW!!! :D :D

[Blown 472]

I just like observing and enjoying the ways women are odd and men are normal. wink LOL! J/K! (maybe) :D [/QB][/QUOTE]
Thats better.

[FMluvswater]

Blown 472:
I just like observing and enjoying the ways women are odd and men are normal. wink LOL! J/K! (maybe) :D Thats better. Just a wee bit of creative editing there hmm Blown 472? :D LMAO! :)
[ May 13, 2003, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: FMluvswaterbabe ]

[spectratoad]

I have to back Blown here that was your original statement. I think you went back and edited yours. You had it right the first time. :D wink hee hee wink :D

[mickeyfinn]

I believe the way I heard it was:
Man doesn't know what life is all about until he is married.
But by then it is too late...

[FMluvswater]

spectratoad:
I have to back Blown here that was your original statement. I think you went back and edited yours. You had it right the first time. :D wink hee hee wink :D Figures you'd take his side! :rolleyes: :D
MEN!!! :mad: .... but I sure do like 'em! http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/cwm/cwm3d/3dbiggrin3.gif

[FMluvswater]

mickeyfinn:
I believe the way I heard it was:
Man doesn't know what life is all about until he is married.
But by then it is too late... :D Don't you just know it?! wink :D

[spectratoad]

There is a genetic part of me that says I have to. :D :D
Besides as I man I am always right! :D wink
[ May 13, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: spectratoad ]

[FMluvswater]

spectratoad:
There is a genetic part of me that says I have to. :D :D
Besides as I man I am always right! :D wink Your wife must be a very generous person you know letting you think you're always right and all! :D

[spectratoad]

Oh she is very generous. So much so that I have myself convinced. wink

[FMluvswater]

spectratoad:
Oh she is very generous. So much so that I have myself convinced. wink There's medication for that. Delusions I mean. :D ... Oh! smile_sp eek!
Pardon me ... ahem ... I mean that's nice dear. I'm ever so happy for you. When you're right, you're right and now I'm just backing away VERY slowly ... wink :D :D Ha ha ha!

[malcolm]

Here you go FM
What Sex are they?
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything
in, but you can
always see right through them.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished,
with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes
a while to warm up.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is
over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go
anywhere you have to
light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's
the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and
squeezable and retain
water.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over
the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female ! .... Ha! You thought I'd
say male. But
consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying.

[FMluvswater]

Cool! :D thanks Malcolm! :)
If we stock pile enough of these we are bound to get an even more messed up picture of the opposite sex but we'll all be fooled into thinking we know what's what! wink Won't that be fun? :D

[spectratoad]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour
until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

[FMluvswater]

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they're used."

[FMluvswater]

Rules For A Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
1 Don't call, ever.
2 If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3 Lie.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11 Lie
12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22 Say things like "Wha...?"
23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24 Lie.
25 Deny everything. Everything.
26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from George Castanza)
27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28 Don't have a clue.
29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30 No means yes.
31 Yes means no.
32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35 Feelings? What feelings?
36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38 Lie I tell you!!
39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42 Lie.
43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45 Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46 Lie.
47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54 Lie.
55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59 You are male, therefore you are superior.
60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62 Don't ever notice anything.
63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66 Lie.
67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77 Lie.
78 General Rule: Different is BAD.
79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83 Lie.
84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89 Practice your blank stare.
90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95 Beer. Then more beer.
96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97 One word: FOOTBALL!
98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100 LIE.
:rolleyes: :D :p

[FMluvswater]

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

[FMluvswater]

THINGY (thing-ee)
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel)
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BU*T (but)
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

[FMluvswater]

A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed.
No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four to Hawaii?

[malcolm]

Wow! you've been busy. After reading those I don't know what to do, but I feel a strange urge to tell a lie. :D

[FMluvswater]

malcolm:
Wow! you've been busy. After reading those I don't know what to do, but I feel a strange urge to tell a lie. :D I think you're not supposed to admit that to me ... I'm one of them Venutians. wink LOL!
I went looking for this thread to post a fun link and was surprised to see your post malcolm. Dunno how I missed it until now ... feels like I'm always here. :D
The Love Calculator (http://www.lovecalculator.com/)
It will still calculate % compatibility even if you only enter one name or screen name into each field. It's just for fun. :)

[FMluvswater]

Tips From An Efficiency Expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked a listener from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Honey", I suggested, "Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

[Hal]

Men are from where? (http://www.poofcat.com/humor4.html)

[FMluvswater]

LMAO! :D I know that Hal! :D I'm dealing with it really I am! :)

[malcolm]

That's OK, I knew you'd find it sooner or later. :D

[FMluvswater]

malcolm:
That's OK, I knew you'd find it sooner or later. :D Then I'm becoming entirely too predictable! :D

[mike37]

http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/520/253apleasing-med.jpg

[malcolm]

Yeah, see how easy we are! :D

[FMluvswater]

I'll never forget the hilarity of the scene in Family Ties where Skippy asks Mallory if he can watch her take a shower and instead of shooting him down as usual she looked him in the eye and said "Yes, Skippy you can." Damn he ran fast!! :D

[malcolm]

I used to watch that show. Don't remember that episode though. What'd you expect from that little pussy. eek!

[mickeyfinn]

86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
LMFAO :D :D :D :D :D :D

[TahitiSteve]

Ah L'Amour (http://www.wam.umd.edu/~rui/BitterFilm.html)

[FMluvswater]

LMAO! :D Thanks for sharing that one TahitiSteve. It was kinda bitter but in every parody is a grain of truth. I guess women can be kinda cruel sometimes, huh? I'd be interested in seeing something similar from a female perspective. :)

[FMluvswater]

The Rules
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules can change without notice.
3. Males can't know the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.
5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind.
9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

[FMluvswater]

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are men's rules! Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!!!
1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1) Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1) Crying is blackmail.
1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1) We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the Calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1) Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1) ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1) We enjoy falling asleep on the couch. It's like camping.

[FMluvswater]

Please note that the HSBC Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Put window up
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Set parking brake, put the window down
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down
6 Attempt to insert card into machine
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Reinsert card the right way up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of chequebook
19 Recheck make-up again
20 Drive forward 2 feet
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
27 Release parking brake

[FMluvswater]

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished topurchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[FMluvswater]

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."

[FMluvswater]

Lost Chapter in Genesis
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This woman will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "Well, I don't want to give up an arm and a leg!
What can I get for a rib?"
. . . And the rest is history....

[FMluvswater]

Cats & Dogs/Women & Men
What is a Cat?
--------------
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
--------------
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[FMluvswater]

I contemplated putting this one in the "why we love our children" thread but then I considered ... boys and girls become men and women so ... here are some childhood insights into the whole Men and Women thing ...
Kids Advice on Love and Marriage
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE
TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom." (Judy, 8)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS
SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and a VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding.' (Darby,7)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.
I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS
BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE
TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE
IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."(Roger,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS
OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down
the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."(John, age 9)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS
ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' are on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES
NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you
have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE
A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo,9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO
ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." (Doug, 7)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO
KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7)
"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash." (Bobby, 9)
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind -- Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie,age 9)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had some really nostalgic chuckles reading those. :D

[FMluvswater]

Shamelessly stolen from JetBoatBrian and reposted to further confuse us all in the struggle to understand the opposite sex. :D
50 things guys wish girls knew….
We aren’t mind readers!
We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.
When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.
Smoking is the biggest turn off.
It never hurts to work out.
If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the question.
“Fine” or “whatever” is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn’t already know.)
Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).
Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.
No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.
You don’t need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us.
Girls look good naked so stop worrying.
Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.
We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.
Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we have the biggest penis you’ve ever dealt with.
If were not getting love we’ll start looking…(haha…just kidding…psych…I’m dead serious)
The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.
Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another person.
If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won’t consider it cheating. Actually we strongly
promote this behavior.
Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter inch missing?
You shouldn’t be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you. All we need is Friction.
Porn…hmmm…Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it would just be wrong to ask us to stop.
We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can’t explain it but it is just fact.
Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn’t your parents teach you not to quit.
Giving head is never a bad idea.
We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower with us.
There are three acceptable ways to wake up:
(1) You on top of us.
(2) Getting head.
(3) Some sort of breakfast.
We don’t mind going to gay movies with you but don’t tell our friends.
You can’t hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or “Old yeller.”
“The game is on” is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.
You’re probably not as funny as you think.
Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say “he’s so hot” he may have to die.
Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week. (Influenced by a Maxim article)
Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can use a grill.
You can’t get mad if we refuse to hook up your “ugly friend” with one of our friends.
For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.
If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and want to show you off to our friends.
The red light means the video camera is off.
A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.
Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream also Altoids just don’t make your breath fresher.
Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control. (Unless operating means handing it to us.)
The only thing left to be said after sex is “goodnight.”
Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.
Guys nights out are sacred events. If we answer questions we could be castrated.
If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.
The jeans don’t make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.
99.5% of the time we didn’t mean to hurt you.

[FMluvswater]

TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN
Be one step ahead of the rest.....sign up NOW!!
Classes Start Soon
1) Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop!
2) Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge!
3) Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding.
4) Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5) Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
6) If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss 101.
7) If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss 102.
8) Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9) Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10) Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11) Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink!
12) Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13) Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!
14) Bathroom Etiquette IV: What to Do With the Toilet Seat When You Are Done.
15) Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill.
16) Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts.
17) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware.
18) Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
19) Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means!
20) Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut.
21) Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
22) Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote.
23) "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
24) Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
25) Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
26) "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
27) The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
28) Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.
29) Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
30) Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It!

[FMluvswater]

According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue.
So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, leave him alone - he's working out.

[FMluvswater]

Originally posted December 09, 2002 05:20 PM by HammerDown:
[b] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Cool Things About Being A Man:
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.(unless you're Gay)
10. Same work? More pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000 - Tux Rental $100
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, all the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
** Ten Things men know for sure about women:
1 They will cost ya money!
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10 They have breasts.

[FMluvswater]

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this
restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him
up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in
the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm
around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he
doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm
wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly,
I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me
and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I
just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else?
HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
****
tuner

[FMluvswater]

Q: What is the real difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

[FMluvswater]

The Importance of Punctuation
Example of how words can say the same thing but with different punctuation can mean totally different!! Enjoy .
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing,"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
So stolen, lol and since I didn't ask for permission JBB ... please forgive my thievery! :D I just thought it was so appropos for this thread.

[Boy Named Sue]

um, is it ok to post here, or is this just where you, um well, do what ever it is you are doing in here.

[FMluvswater]

um, is it ok to post here, or is this just where you, um well, do what ever it is you are doing in here.
LMFAO! Yeah course it's okay to post in here anybody can post wherever they like and hijack whatever they like (in this forum anyway, lol :wink: ) open topic social lounge - personally I like this concept! :cool:
As for what am I doing in here ... I'm trying to sort out myths from facts regarding stereotypes men and women have about each other! Am I making any kind of head way on that score whatsoever? Oh hell no but that is exactly why I'm having fun doing it! I've never been more confused! :D Confused=normal :D

[Boy Named Sue]

Work in progress. So many questions. So little night left.

[Boy Named Sue]

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this
restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him
up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in
the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm
around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he
doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm
wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly,
I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me
and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I
just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else?
HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
****
tuner
Have we gone out? Ever been to California?
It works both ways.
His comment:
Hi honey, boy am I beat. I almost lost a finger today when the new operator pulled the hoist lever the wrong way. Then I blew a front tire on the rig on the interstate and ended up facing the wrong way in a ditch...
Her interupting comment:
I'm hungry. I think I want Chinese takeout tonight.
And the band played on...

[FMluvswater]

So many questions.
... that will never be answered to everybody's mutual satisfaction ... thank God for that small favor! :wink: :D I mean just imagine how boring that would be? :idea: ... :2purples: ... no thanks :) I'll take "keeping some mysteries unsolved" for .02 cents Alex. :cool:

[Boy Named Sue]

I don't know what you're on about. .02 Alex?
I'll just poke you in the eye with the little white gloved hand cursor thingy. :p

[FMluvswater]

Have we gone out? Ever been to California?
It works both ways.
His comment:
Hi honey, boy am I beat. I almost lost a finger today when the new operator pulled the hoist lever the wrong way. Then I blew a front tire on the rig on the interstate and ended up facing the wrong way in a ditch...
Her interupting comment:
I'm hungry. I think I want Chinese takeout tonight.
And the band played on...
Now that's just not only mean and uncaring but how rude too. :( She never get told "Don't interrupt"?
I find these lil slices all over the net and if I think it fits in here I post it. The Her story/his story thing was not my experience - ever, lol.

[FMluvswater]

I don't know what you're on about. .02 Alex?
I'll just poke you in the eye with the little white gloved hand cursor thingy. :p
:redface: I was spoofing on Jeopardy ... it's okay my sense of humor is lost on many people. :o

[Boy Named Sue]

"It gives me a headache to think about this kind of stuff. I'm just a man. I don't need this kind of trouble." (Suey, 39)
I get your humor. You crack me up. I didn't see the alex ref. without his usual lead in, "Sorry, no.."

[FMluvswater]

"It gives me a headache to think about this kind of stuff. I'm just a man. I don't need this kind of trouble." (Suey, 39)
I get your humor. You crack me up. I didn't see the alex ref. without his usual lead in, "Sorry, no.."
Oh. :supp: :redface: K. :)
You know if you don't try to figure it out it hurts less and you can convince yourself easier that you already do understand the opposite sex! :cool: :D
Hey! Quit poking my spy eye btw ... making my vision blurry! :wink:

[Boy Named Sue]

Oh. :supp: :redface: K. :)
You know if you don't try to figure it out it hurts less and you can convince yourself easier that you already do understand the opposite sex! :cool: :D
Hey! Quit poking my spy eye btw ... making my vision blurry! :wink:
You say that as you wink with the other! Going to bed. I have to travel tomorrow, gonna have a woo hoo! at the boo hoo.
Keep the faith till the battles won...- Lone Justice
Suey

[FMluvswater]

You say that as you wink with the other! Going to bed. I have to travel tomorrow, gonna have a woo hoo! at the boo hoo.
Keep the faith till the battles won...- Lone Justice
Suey
G'night then Suey. :) Safe travel tomorrow. Take care. TTYL. :)

[FMluvswater]

Have we gone out? Ever been to California?
:eek: freaky eh?