funny funny funny [Archive]

spectratoad

06-20-2003, 08:41 AM

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
Click here to see a picture of what she pointed to...
710 (http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg)
:D

spectratoad

06-20-2003, 08:42 AM

Laughing is great, I do every time I get out of the shower, oh wait I am not supposed to bag on myself. argue

MRS FLYIN VEE

06-20-2003, 08:44 AM

I like that.That was toooooooo funnnnnnnyyyyyyy. :D

FMluvswater

06-20-2003, 11:23 AM

HHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!!! LMGDFAO!! 710!!!!!! Oh **** you're killing me spectratoad!!! Oh shit! That was too funny! :D :D :D :D

spectratoad

06-20-2003, 01:20 PM

Glad to make you laugh.
Subject: Women are so insensitive
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,
please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
Man can you believe that wink

MRS FLYIN VEE

06-20-2003, 01:50 PM

o.k that is tooooo efin funny.
There was a man who was in his 80's and his wife was in her late 70's.The man was sick in the hospital and on his death bed.He turned to his wife and said."You know all the bad things we've been through.like the time we bought our first house.you've been there 100%.The time we lost our first house. You were there 100%.The time I got hit by the car in the front yard.You were there 100%.The time I got bit by the dog you brought home that was stray. You were there 100%.The time we bought a car for the first time.You were there 100%.The time we lost our first car you were there 100%. We've been through alot of bad things together and you were there 100% Do you know what I think my love. I THINK YOUR BAD EFIN LUCK.!!! :)

MRS FLYIN VEE

06-20-2003, 02:58 PM

spectratoad:
Glad to make you laugh.
Subject: Women are so insensitive
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey,
please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."
Man can you believe that wink LOL :D and thats all i have to say about that.

FMluvswater

06-20-2003, 03:36 PM

Well ... the wife had a point. wink :D LOL!
MrsFV- yeah someone with karma so bad they share it like that ought to be alone! wink :D

spectratoad

06-24-2003, 01:02 PM

AND NOW FOR THE FRIENDLY VET......
ONE HOT JULY DAY WE FOUND AN OLD STRAGGLY CAT AT OUR DOOR. SHE WAS A SORRY SIGHT. STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLED TERRIBLE, SKINNY AND HAIR ALL
MATTED DOWN. WE FELT SORRY FOR HER AND PUT HER IN A CARRIER AND TOOK HER TO THE VET. SHE HAD
NO NAME SO WE NAMED HER PUSSYCAT. THE VET DECIDED TO KEEP HER FOR A DAY OR SO AND SAID HE WOULD LET US KNOW WHEN WE COULD COME AND GET HER. MY HUSBAND, (THE COMPLAINER) SAID, "OK,
BUT DON'T FORGET TO WASH HER, SHE STINKS."
MY HUSBAND AND THE VET DON'T SEE EYE TO EYE. HE CALLS MY HUSBAND EL-CHEAP-O. MY HUSBAND CALLS HIM EL-TAKE-O. THEY LOVE TO HATE EACH OTHER.
NEXT DAY MY HUSBAND HAD AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIS DOCTOR, WHICH WAS LOCATED NEXT DOOR TO THE VET. THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE WAS FULL OF PEOPLE WAITING TO SEE THE DOCTOR. A SIDE DOOR OPENED AND IN LEANED THE VET; HE HAD OBVIOUSLY SEEN MY HUSBAND ARRIVE. HE LOOKED STRAIGHT AT MY HUSBAND, "YOUR WIFE'S PUSSY IS FINALLY CLEAN AND SHAVED. SHE NOW SMELLS LIKE A ROSE. AND BY THE WAY, I THINK SHE'S PREGNANT. GOD KNOWS WHO THE FATHER IS!"
AND THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR... :D

PussyPusher

06-24-2003, 01:20 PM

LMAO WTG spectra toad!

FMluvswater

06-24-2003, 01:30 PM

LMAO! :D :D Damn that last one was hella funny! Story jokes rule! :D

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 01:40 PM

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and smacked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing.

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 01:42 PM

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch that whole day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back to shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.

FMluvswater

06-24-2003, 01:45 PM

LMAO! Yeah that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!! :D :D Nice one carreraelite! :D http://forums.***boat.net/ubb/icons/icon14.gif

Liberator TJ1984

06-24-2003, 01:50 PM

Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway
when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to her,
3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so
grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland. "
Hillary says, "No problem, I'll take you there on my special senator's
airplane"
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Hillary says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV
and stereo headset!"
Hillary is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!!!" eek!

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 01:55 PM

When man was created, the body parts argued about who should be boss.
The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all thoughts. The eyes said they should be boss since without them, man wouldn't be able to see. The legs then countered this by saying that it was them that brought man wherever he wanted to go. The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for the whole body and he should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts laughed so hard that the asshole got angry and closed up for a week. The stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go weak, and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the asshole would be the boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 01:58 PM

This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!!
Day 6: Life is wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12: I wish he were gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, brushing my teeth or even washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16: The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: I switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Oh no! Here he comes again...
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 02:00 PM

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you get lucky and find a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

carreraelite

06-24-2003, 02:07 PM

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon with his buddy: "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, at about 2am, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4am when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

carreraelite

06-25-2003, 09:09 AM

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wild, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied,
"Tarzan always check for squirrels."

spectratoad

06-25-2003, 09:37 AM

:D :D :D :D eek!

carreraelite

06-25-2003, 10:35 AM

Great Truths About Life Children Have Learned:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5. If you can remain calm while everyone around you loses their head, maybe you just don't understand the problem.

rrrr

06-25-2003, 10:57 AM

Hope this ain't a repeat.... :D
It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.
The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My
name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later,in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so."

Lady Rat Attack 1

06-25-2003, 10:59 AM

rrrr:
Hope this ain't a repeat.... :D
It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers did for a living.
The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My
name is Johnny and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later,in the school yard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar player for the Dixie Chicks, but I was too embarrassed to say so." :) BRAVO BRAVO

spectratoad

06-26-2003, 12:48 PM

:D Southwest Airlines......
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy
admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time - now let your mother explain that to
you.

spectratoad

06-26-2003, 12:51 PM

blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a police cruiser pulled her over and the female officer walked up to the car.
The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.* The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.* She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the
blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.* And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have
avoided all this hassle

spectratoad

06-26-2003, 12:53 PM

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She
doesn't know which one to get ,so she just grabs one
and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark
shades on.
She said excuse me sir .... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He said ma'am, I am blind, but if you will drop it on the
counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, 'That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10lb. testline. It's a good all around rod and reel ,and it's $20.00'.
She said, 'It is amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what
I'm looking for , so I'll take it.'
He went behind the counter to the register. She bends
down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, ' That will be $25.50'.
She says' ' but didn't you say It was $20.00 ?'
He says, ' Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, the catfish stinkbait is $2.50. All together that's $25.50.

FMluvswater

06-26-2003, 01:04 PM

A Father asked his 5-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance. "Well, for one thing," replied the boy, "I keep your wife occupied all day."

Kim Hanson

06-26-2003, 01:40 PM

Dental Hygiene
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten!
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."
"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."
"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
.............( . )( . )........ :D wink

Kim Hanson

06-26-2003, 01:42 PM

"He likes his women vogue on the outside and vague on the inside."
(Jan Murray on "Beauty & the Beast")
"It must be great to be a lesbian. All the perks of being a man without the embarrassing genitals!"
(Some man probably said it)
"Capital punishment - the people without the capital get the punishment."
(Xander on "Buffy")
"It's not lying. It's being creative with fiction."
(William H Macey in "State & Main")
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
(Jeff Marder)
"Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?"
(Al Boliska)
"I've seen monkey shit fights at the zoo more organized than this!"
(The Replacements)
"Hey my dick might only be four inches but most women like it that wide."
(A man without sexual problems)
..........( . )( . )...... :D wink :p

Kim Hanson

06-26-2003, 01:43 PM

Think about it...
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants, penis implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's.
In a few years, we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and long dicks and they won't remember what to do with them.
.........( . )( . ).... :D wink :p

jus a baker

06-26-2003, 01:54 PM

three guys sitting around who designed the human body,
the first one says look how the legs and arms move, it must have been a mechanical engineer,
the second guy says no,no, look how the brain controlls everything, it must have been an electrical engineer,
the third guy says no, its gotta be a civil engineer, who else would put a recreational area right in the middle of a sewer plant.. :D :D

betty boop

06-26-2003, 08:42 PM

i doubt that kim..

Kim Hanson

06-26-2003, 10:56 PM

sunbunny:
i doubt that kim.. If you say so Bunny, your voice would make the difference...hard to concentrate talking to you girl......( . )( . )..... :D wink
MasterCard Wedding
You gotta love this guy.....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends......................................$32,0 00
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................................... $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.............................................. $8,500
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless!
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

JetBoatRich

06-27-2003, 03:35 AM

sunbunny:
I must say - if your having a bad day - just come to the forums - i laugh everytime - especially the what do you do for a job... :D :D

FMluvswater

06-27-2003, 04:40 AM

MOTHER TALK
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
You're going out?
Yes.
With whom?
With a friend.
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
I didn't leave him. He left me!
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody.
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
What are you hinting at?
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
He's not a loser.
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Poor children with such a mother.
Such as what?
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
ENOUGH !!
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Now you're worried about the loser?
Ah, so you admit he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Goodbye, mother.
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

carreraelite

06-27-2003, 07:20 AM

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Ma'am... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

carreraelite

06-27-2003, 07:21 AM

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blistering January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."
So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend was driving in the buggy with the daughter again.
He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was yet again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!!!"

carreraelite

06-30-2003, 02:13 PM

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, their next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Corporate Lesson:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

carreraelite

07-01-2003, 06:34 AM

Sports Cars vs. Women
*
3 good reasons why sports cars are better than women:
1- You can make your sports car perform for you whenever and wherever you want it to.
2- You can make your sports car's BODY look however you want it to.
3- The most important reason -- You can trade your old car in for a NEW ONE when you get tired of it

carreraelite

07-01-2003, 06:37 AM

A guy sitting was at an airport bar and noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself,
Wow, she is so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant.
So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up, but couldn't think of a pick up line.
After thinking for a while, he turns towards her and says, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself,
Oh crap, she mustn't fly for Delta.
So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air?" She gives him the same confused look. He thinks,
Damn! She must not fly for American.
So next he says, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies." When suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out, "Man, what the hell do you want?"
The man in a relieved voice says "Ahhh, Air Canada."

FMluvswater

07-02-2003, 02:15 PM

Sugar shared these with me elsewhere and well I'm spreading it around! LOL! :D
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
****
blisters
[ July 02, 2003, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: FMluvswaterbabe ]

FMluvswater

07-02-2003, 02:21 PM

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3) Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
4) Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6) On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7) Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
9) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
15) One word: Flatulence!
16) Leave a box between the doors.
17) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
18) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19) Give religious literature to each passenger.
20) Do Tai Chi exercises.
21) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22) Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24) Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25) Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
29) Meow occasionally.
30) Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
50. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
****
leak
17 kills me. :D

Chase

07-02-2003, 02:33 PM

FMluvswaterbabe:
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3) Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
4) Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6) On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7) Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
9) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
15) One word: Flatulence!
16) Leave a box between the doors.
17) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
18) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19) Give religious literature to each passenger.
20) Do Tai Chi exercises.
21) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22) Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24) Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25) Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
29) Meow occasionally.
30) Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
50. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
****
leak
17 kills me. :D You worry me...maybe a meeting isn't a good thing.
:D :D :D :D

FMluvswater

07-02-2003, 02:49 PM

Chase:
FMluvswaterbabe:
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
1) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3) Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
4) Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
5) Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6) On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you're on rough seas.
7) Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)
8) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
9) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
15) One word: Flatulence!
16) Leave a box between the doors.
17) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
18) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19) Give religious literature to each passenger.
20) Do Tai Chi exercises.
21) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22) Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24) Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25) Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
29) Meow occasionally.
30) Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
50. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
****
leak
17 kills me. :D You worry me...maybe a meeting isn't a good thing.
:D :D :D :D CLUCK CLUCK SQUAWK! Chick chick chick-en! :D
Aww Chase, "Don't worry be happy now :D
When you worry your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down so don't worry ..." ... uhh that didn't help with the not worrying huh? yeah okay shutting up now (don't try to throw a party, the shutting up won't last long enough) :( sigh.
****
clamps

FMluvswater

07-08-2003, 01:15 AM

Drunk talk.
Funny read.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
****
bearings

FMluvswater

07-18-2003, 09:11 PM

Why do women love cats? Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. Basically every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. :confused: wink :D
****
carrier

FMluvswater

07-19-2003, 06:42 PM

PMS ...
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
And if she is menstruating, she is more prone
to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
****
harness

FMluvswater

07-20-2003, 11:32 PM

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
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.
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A: Stick a couple of fingers in his honey
:D :D
****
rigidity

spectratoad

07-22-2003, 01:58 PM

New Drugs for Women
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency & duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me
want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers!
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours

FMluvswater

08-13-2003, 10:42 PM

Sperm Journey
Sperm #8465: "How far is it to the ovary?"
Sperm #8466: "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
****
two-piece rear-seal

FMluvswater

08-13-2003, 11:02 PM

Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
Found inner peace........
It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you've started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished.
So, today I have finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine,
a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and 2
Litres of Stella Artois..............You have no idea how good I
feel....
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace
****
cubic-inch displacement

FMluvswater

08-24-2003, 09:22 AM

Why I am Tired..........
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with Iraq.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your ass at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice...
****
courtesy lights

FMluvswater

08-29-2003, 09:42 PM

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years??
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here.
****
plug mold

topless

08-30-2003, 06:04 PM

Ziggy:
sunbunny:
potty mouth the same as poopy head???? :confused: If your talking about SammyJo When is the last time you even saw her on here? Her computer is screwed up right now anyway.

topless

08-30-2003, 06:15 PM

FMluvswaterbabe:
PMS ...
A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
And if she is menstruating, she is more prone
to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
****
harness Not even registered a year and look at yout post count. Can we say post *****? (Thats not a bad thing by the way.) Just an RD thing.LOL wink

FMluvswater

08-30-2003, 07:49 PM

eek! I'm nothing like RD ... how dare you, Ali!!!?? You really ought not to insult him. wink
Granted I am a post ***** (BTW, thank-you! I never take that as a bad thing! :) ) What can I say? I like to talk- a lot! I'm friendly and I'm pretty much completely addicted to the SONG CHAIN game (not just here- other places too.) The vocab thing was supposed to slow me down a bit ... and it has a lil ... but only a lil. wink
Less than 300 to go before I am done signing off my posts with (loosely) boat related terms. I've had to do a lot of reading to mine for words and I've 'book-learned' some things about boats along the way; that part has been cool for me. :)
APB!!!! That PMS joke is just that- a joke! Likely belonged in the most offensive jokes thread instead of in this thread. :o It was so nasty it struck me as funny. Seriously though, men are wonderful. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :D
****
air chamber plugs

seho

08-30-2003, 11:10 PM

Don't stop me if you've heard this before, cause I like to tell it.....
The god of thunder, Thor, was sitting in the heavens on his throne one day when he looked down and saw a particularly buxom and attractive young female mortal.
Feeling especially god-like that day he swooped down upon the earth, grabbing the startled young woman and proceeded to have his way with her a numerous amount of times, with much lust and vigor.
Afterwards, while she lay trying to catch her breath, he decides that she should feel privledged to have been taken by a god and not just some mortal heathen, so he stands over her with hands on his hips and proclaims:
"I....am mighty THOR!"
She looks up at him coquettishly and says:
"I'm a little thore mythelph, but that thure wuth fun!"