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comin' unscrewed
07-23-2002, 05:10 PM
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
Placement of the dirtbag!

Froggystyle
07-24-2002, 09:40 AM
The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
One has the pricks on the inside.
[ July 24, 2002, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: Froggystyle ]

bobby
07-24-2002, 09:44 AM
what does asama din laden and panty hose a have in common?
they both irretate bush!!

Reaper1
07-24-2002, 10:43 AM
What do hillbilly girls and bears have in common?
They both like to lick their paws.

78Eliminator
07-24-2002, 11:14 AM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"

1stepcloser
07-24-2002, 12:28 PM
What do you call a woman without a vagina?
You dont.
There's no reason to.

searssears1
07-24-2002, 04:04 PM
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her as an altar boy.
What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea. :D

Schiada76
07-24-2002, 04:20 PM
Why do men always come before women?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Who cares?

snappertapper
07-24-2002, 06:09 PM
what does a blonde and aa bowlin ball have in common.
they both get picked up, fingered and thrown in the gutter
_________________________________________________
2 guys walk into a bar the third one ducks

Starloans
07-24-2002, 10:13 PM
What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?
Odor eaters

Liberator TJ1984
07-25-2002, 04:50 AM
A gay guys lover dies and is cremated..after the funeral services he takes his ashes home and mixes them in with a big pot of Wolf brand Chile and Jalapenios.......................Why?............. .......
so his dead buddy could tear his ass up one last time !!!!! eek!

79Hawaiian
07-25-2002, 06:32 AM
What do women and airplanes have in common?
-they both have cockpits.

Screaming Pete
07-25-2002, 08:18 AM
78Eliminator:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"78, Don't leave me hanging :cool:

Liberator TJ1984
07-25-2002, 08:35 AM
what do you call an open can of TunaFish in a house full of lesbians ???
Popourri ! :p

beyondhelpin
07-25-2002, 03:48 PM
Car anti theft device. Works on boats too!!!!
http://pics.steakandcheese.com/anti_auto_theft_device.jpg
[ July 25, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: beyondhelpin ]

gigamurph
07-26-2002, 01:44 AM
Screaming Pete:
78Eliminator:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"78, Don't leave me hanging :cool: Uuuuuhhh, corect me if I'm wrong 78E; but I think that's it SP! :cool:

burbanite
07-26-2002, 04:37 AM
Right on gig!.
:D wink :) :D wink :)

78Eliminator
07-26-2002, 08:25 AM
Screaming Pete:
78Eliminator:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"78, Don't leave me hanging :cool: That's the joke! Horses have long faces! Get it?!
J

Starloans
07-26-2002, 09:50 AM
Froggystyle:
The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
One has the pricks on the inside.I thought it was BMWs!

Starloans
07-26-2002, 09:54 AM
What do Arabs and shooting pool have in common?
The harder you hit them the more english you get out of them!

6741
07-26-2002, 10:28 AM
What do all battered women have incommon?
They dont f***ing listen!!!

TOBTEK
07-26-2002, 10:40 AM
Starloans:
Froggystyle:
The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
One has the pricks on the inside.I thought it was BMWs!HEY NOW, WATCH IT! Its Porsche's even more so since I work for BMW!!!! :D :D :D

Havasu Hangin'
07-26-2002, 10:45 AM
6741:
What do all battered women have incommon?
They dont f***ing listen!!!What do ya tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing...you've already told her twice.

gigamurph
07-26-2002, 11:19 AM
78Eliminator:
Screaming Pete:
78Eliminator:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says: "Why the long face?"78, Don't leave me hanging :cool: That's the joke! Horses have long faces! Get it?!
JI GOT IT! Get it yet SP? :cool:

6741
07-26-2002, 11:31 AM
What does a battered women do when she gets home?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

gigamurph
07-26-2002, 11:34 AM
OK SP, this is JUST for you! It's a little long and ya may have heard (read, seen) it before; but here goes anyway!
One day this guy walks into a bar with his jackass. He announces that if anyone can make his jackass laugh, he'd pay them $100. This little guy at the end of the bar raises his hand and says, "I'll take that bet!" So, the little guy and the jackass go over to a corner and the guy whispers in the jacjass' ear. The jackass busts out laughin' his ass off! (Which now makes him just a jack; but that's another story!)The jackass' owner says, "I'll be damned! Nobody has ever made him laugh!"; and he left, draggin' his ass with him (That's another story too!) A week later the same guy comes into the same bar with the same jackass and declares, "If anyone can make my jackass cry, I'll give him $100!" Well, the sme little guy is at the end of the bar , raises his hand, and says, "I'll take that bet!" The guy looks over and says , "Friend, you took me and my jackass for $100 last week. If you can make him cry, I'll give you $1000!" So, the little guy and the jackass goes to the same corner and are there just for a few seconds when the jackass falls to the floor, crying like a baby! The ass' owner says, "I'll be damned as he's counting out the $1000.Since your into me and my jackass for $1100, you gotta tell me how you did it!" The little guy says, "Well last week, to make him laugh, I told him that I had a bigger d**k than him; and this week, to make him cry, I showed him!" eek! :rolleyes: :D
[ July 26, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: gigamurph ]

6741
07-26-2002, 11:51 AM
What's the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
The mosquito quits suckin when you hit it.

supersoaker509
07-27-2002, 10:49 AM
What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
They both swallowed a lot of semen.

22TWIN
07-27-2002, 11:18 AM
Starloans:
Froggystyle:
The difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
One has the pricks on the inside.I thought it was BMWs!Funny, I've always heard it told about 'vettes. :D :p :confused:

Tahiti Owner
07-28-2002, 12:43 PM
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex???
She opens the car door! eek!

BlownCole
07-28-2002, 02:27 PM
Why don't blondes like to use vibraters
It hurts their teeth :D

kcm21
07-28-2002, 03:05 PM
So rumor going around on the pirate ship was that the captain of the ship had a steering wheel tattooed on his dick. So one day the first mate goes up to the captain and asks him if it was true. And the captain said "aaarrr it drives me nuts!"

PickleFork2Be
07-29-2002, 05:45 AM
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either
you're suckin' or swimmin'!"
"Yeah, so what happened?"
"She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.
Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I
turned off the key and I said 'Its either
you're suckin' or swimmin'!"
"Yeah, so what happened?"
She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.
Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me..."
"Was she anything like the last 2?"
"Tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either you're suckin' or swimmin'!!."
"Yeah, then what?"
"Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....
.... I CAN'T SWIM DAVE!!! ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

1stepcloser
07-30-2002, 08:51 AM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival,you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last
time, I said "BRING POSSE!"
[ July 30, 2002, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: 1stepcloser ]

Liberator TJ1984
07-30-2002, 10:28 AM
Slickdick comes home from a long night of drinking only to find his old lady at the front door waiting for him..as he staggers up the steps she smarts off...well smartass how much money you waste this time ???
a Hundred Bucks or so I dunno ? he answers
you spent a 100 bucks in one friggin night she yells back at him !!
that may seem like alot to you he responds ,,,but
you don't smoke !
you don't drink !
and you got your own pussy !!!! eek! :D eek!

WATERROCKET
08-23-2002, 01:26 PM
There were three guys sitting in a bar,one was from CA,one from TX,and one from TN, no one else was there. this drop deat good looking blond walks up to the bar to get her a drink so the guy from CA had to hit on her first, like gal,i can ride a wave for three miles, she replys really,the guy from TX says that ain't nothin, i can rope a steer at a hundred yards, she replys really, then the guy from TN says,well that ain't nuthin, when that thing gets out there, fourteen crows can stand on it, she replys, o my god. they got drunker and drunker and finaly the guy from CA had to fess up,well i think i road that wave about a half mile,she says thats what i thought,the the guy from TX says that steer wasent running quit so fast i roped him about 50 yards,she says thats what i thought, then the guy from TN had to fess up, like mam,if you really want to know the truth,i don't know if that fourteenth crow hade both feet down or not!

STROKE420
08-26-2002, 01:20 PM
HOW DO YOU CIRCUMSIZE A REDNECK ??
KICK HER IN THE CHIN

Robert Helton
08-27-2002, 04:40 AM
Whats the diference between a pussy and a ****?
...............................................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>
...............................................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>
...............................................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>
The pussy is the beautiful thing thats attached to the ****.
I kill me sometimes, lol :D

timitunnel
08-27-2002, 09:08 PM
You guy's all know what a half nelson,full nelsn and a father nelson is? If you don't I'll show you. Get up and stand. Now put one hand behind your neck. This is a half nelson. Now put the other hand behind your neck. This is a full nelson. Now start moving your hips back and forth. Not side to side but back and forth, This is a father nelson. :D :D :D Tim

timitunnel
08-27-2002, 09:22 PM
So one day I go into a bar and run into BradP. Well I notice that over the course of a few beers, that every so often that Brad pours a little beer on his right hand.After a few more beers curiosity gets the better of me and I ask him why he's pouring beer on his hand. Well he replies, I'm getting my date drunk. Tim

Schiada76
08-28-2002, 11:13 AM
Godamn Tim! How the hell could you say that about me? I'm pissed! Everyone knows I prefer Tequila!!!! :mad:
Do I know you? I used to live in Hailey, before all the yuppies moved in.

timitunnel
08-28-2002, 07:02 PM
I don't know if I know you, You just had the easiest name to use. I've only been here for 11 long years. For me the snows only usefull in the summer. Tim

Backtanner
08-29-2002, 04:18 AM
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained, "Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Schiada76
08-29-2002, 10:19 AM
That would be a negative then, I lived there 28 years ago. I wonder what it's like now? Where do you boat in Hailey? Silver creek? LOL :D :D

shockwaveharry
08-29-2002, 11:20 AM
Why do they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was all ready taken... :D

SPIDER454SS
08-29-2002, 06:17 PM
A WIFE GOT MAD AT HER HUSBAND
FOR ALWAYS COMING HOME LATE SO SHE SAID I LEAVEING YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.
SHE RETURNS ON MONDAY WITH
$1000.25 HE SAID WHERE DID YOU GET ALL THAT MONEY.
SHE SAID I GOT TIRED OF YOU NEVER COMING HOME AND NOT SPENDING TIME WITH ME SO I WENT OUT AS A HOOKER ALL WEEKEND. A HOOKER HE YELLED BACK AT HER. WHICH ONE OF THE CHEAP BASTARDS GAVE YOU THE 25CENTS. SHE ANSWERED EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM.

SPIDER454SS
08-29-2002, 06:23 PM
WHAT DO YOU TELL A WOMAN WITH TWO BLACK EYES?
NOTHING YOU HAVE ALREADY TOLD HER TWICE.
I GUY GOES ON A BLIND DATE WHEN HE GETS TO HER HOUSE THE WOMAN COMES TO THE DOOR WITH A BLACK EYE. HE SAYS GREAT JUST WHAT I NEED ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND THAT WON'T LISTEN
I KNOW BAD BUT STILL A GOOD JOKES

502procharger
08-29-2002, 07:36 PM
What is the difference between a blond and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it will not follow you around for a week.

carreraelite
08-29-2002, 08:06 PM
How do you get 100 babies into a Volkswagon?
With a blender!
How do you get them out?
With a straw!

WATERROCKET
08-30-2002, 09:48 AM
SOMEBODYS SICK

SPIDER454SS
09-01-2002, 09:32 PM
A MAN HAS ALITTLE TO MUCH TO DRINK AT THE BAR SO THINKS HE BETTER JUST WALK HOME BUT WHEN HE TRIES TO STANDUP HE FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE AFTER TWO TRIES THE DECIDES TO JUST CRAWL OUTSIDE AND GET SOME AIR. HE ONCE AGAINS TRIES TO STANDUP OUTSIDE AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE AND AFTER A FEW TRIES HE SAYS SCREW IT I ONLY LIVE TWO BLOCKS I WILL JUST CRAWL HOME. AN HOUR LATTER HE FINALLY GETS HOME TRIES TO STAND UP BUT JUST FALLS IN BED. THE NEXT DAY HIS WIFE WAKES HIM UP MAD BEEN DRINKING ALL NIGHT AGAIN. HE SAYS YES BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW SHE REPLIES THE BAR CALLED YOU LEFT YOUR WHEEL CHAIR AGAIN

shockwaveharry
09-03-2002, 08:22 AM
A guy walks into a bar...
...And he says to the bartender "Gimme a beer Stan and keep um cumm'n!"
"You look like shit, Bill" the bartender says "Whats going on?"
"I just found out my first born son is gay."
Poor guy, the bartender thinks. "This ones on the house"
A couple of weeks later, Bill shows up again. "Gimme a beer Stan, and keep em cumm'n! My other boy just came out of the closet today too."
"Jesus Bill! doesn't anyone in your house like pussy??"
"Yah, my wife..." :D

Livin Large 27Hallett
09-03-2002, 08:58 AM
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what was she doing out of the kitchen and where did she get them f!!king shoes.

Horsepowerchik
09-12-2002, 09:28 AM
Some Funny Short ones (like Joe Pesci)
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.
Ahh, the classic one liners.
HPChik

shockwaveharry
09-12-2002, 11:55 AM
Why are your turds tapered at the end?
So your ass doesn't slam shut! :D

HavasuDreamin'
09-12-2002, 01:26 PM
A man dies and is now third in line to get into heaven. St. Peter asks the first woman.......did you ever cheat on your husband? She replies.... no, never! St. Peter says....I know that, I was testing you. Here you go, here are the keys to a rolls royce to drive around in heaven. Thank you she replies and continues into heaven. St. Peter asks the same question to the next in line....did you ever cheat on your wife sir? He replies........well there was this one time when I slipped up and cheated on her. St. Peter says.........I know that, I was just testing you. Here are the keys to a chevrolet to drive around in heaven. Finally, the gentleman who just died is up next. He walks up to St. Peter and falls to his knees and starts sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks the gentleman........what is wrong, we haven't even talked yet? The man replies, I know, but I just saw my wife drive by on a moped! eek! :p

SchellSchock
09-12-2002, 01:34 PM
An unnamed ***boatER get a call from his wife....She say's "Honey I need you to come home and give me 9 inches and make it hurt"!!
He runs home and........
gives her 3 inches 3 times and slaps her mouth.

FMluvswater
10-27-2002, 02:21 PM
Hope riddles count ...
1. I sometimes blow a rod. Oil makes me stroke much smoother. I can be used for pumping. What am I?
2. Over 1000 people went down on me. I wasn't a maiden for long. A big, hard thing ripped me open. What am I?
3. I'm the Grandaddy of all wet spots. I smell fishy. Men plunge into me. What am I?
4. All day long it's in and out. I get it up twice a day. I'm always coming on the beach. What am I?
5. I'm better with a little head. If you go to fast I dribble down your chin. You have to open your throat to get me down. What am I?
6. Boaters like to make me. I can be a wild ride. I'm white foamy and come on shore. What am I?
7. I discharge into a larger body. You can get a good ride on me. My rocks are wet. What am I?
8. My nuts get eaten and my fruits get licked. When you're in this state, you can feel the earth move. I have a large crack. What am I?
9. You have to be brave to ride me. I can pound it day and night. I swell before I come. What am I?
10. Once I'm mounted I have to get wet to work. You have to get me off to put me away. Pulling my handle turns me on. What am I?
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
1.Engine. 2.Titanic 3.Ocean 4.Tide 5.Beer
6.Wave 7.River 8.California 9.Surf 10.Outboard motor
Let the groaning begin! :) wink :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Dirty Minds ... make life more interesting! LOL!

Smokin' 72
10-27-2002, 03:29 PM
Duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any grepes?"
Barteneder says, "Hell no, get out we don't serve ducks here.
A week later, the same duck walks into the same bar and asks' "Got any grpes?"
Barteneder says, "Hell no, and if you come in here again I'll nail your feet to the floor."
A week later the same duck walks into the same bar and asks, "Got any nails?"
Bartender looks puzzelled and says "No."
Duck says, " Good, got any grapes?"

FMluvswater
10-28-2002, 12:23 AM
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

6741
10-28-2002, 01:00 AM
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a bag of M&Ms?
A cock that melts in your mouth not in your hands wink

PickleFork2Be
10-28-2002, 06:02 AM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciplines, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

comin' unscrewed
10-28-2002, 07:34 AM
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75lbs. because of very serious health risks. As he wondered how he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for: "GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."
"Guaranteed like heck," he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/10 lb. weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, beautiful, 19 yr. old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and he is delighted to find that he has lost 10 pounds. So, he calls the company and orders their 5 day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had.
For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighed himself and found he has lost another 20 lb, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 lb program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you."

PickleFork2Be
10-28-2002, 09:10 AM
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt! That's when I made my big mistake."
What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that.

Liberator TJ1984
10-30-2002, 08:23 AM
Why do women wipe their eyes when they first get up???
Cause they can't scratch their Balls !!!

carreraelite
11-03-2002, 07:11 PM
:D A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works!"

carreraelite
11-03-2002, 07:21 PM
A blonde walks into a store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."
The owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."
So the blonde leaves but comes back the next day wearing a brown wig. She says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."
But the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."
The blonde leaves the store in a fit of rage. Determined to get that TV, she goes to the plastic surgeon to get some work done. When it's all over, she ends up looking like a 60-year-old Asian man.
She goes straight into the store and says, "I'd like to buy that TV over there."
But again the owner replies, "Sorry, we don't sell TVs to blondes."
The blonde becomes very angry and asks the owner how he knew that she was the same person all along.
The owner replies, "Well, only a blonde would point to a microwave and call it a TV."

carreraelite
11-03-2002, 07:23 PM
A mans breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table and:
You're on the cover of Forbes.
Your son is on the box of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
Your wife is on the back of the milk carton
[ November 03, 2002, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: carreraelite ]

Keith
11-04-2002, 01:32 AM
Here is a email i got this weekend. just thought i would share...keith
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so
I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
Chilli # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli
an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chilli
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which
slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
to a really hot chilli.

FMluvswater
11-06-2002, 03:52 PM
One of my all time fave story jokes ...
************************************************
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.

MJ19
11-06-2002, 09:28 PM
Q: What do men and rubik cubes have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get. wink