FOR THE LADIES.........hehehehe

[Her454]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It
depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?" He yelled back, "UniversityofOklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've
wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
_______________________
He said - What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each
of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets
in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
__________________
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is
on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
Couldnt resist, I loved some of these...... :D

[miller19j]

I am Sooooooo offended by your post!......... :D wink

[Her454]

miller19j:
I am Sooooooo offended by your post!......... :D wink Then I soooooooooooooo apologize. :D wink

[ACCEPTENCE]

Thats's some funny stuff right there^^^^^^^^^^^^.
While it's funny the sad thing is some of it fits frown

[HAULNZ]

ROFLMO :D :) :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

ROFLMAO!!! shot you a 5er I love it!! wink

[oldphart]

Het Damnit! I resemble them remarks!

[oldphart]

Hey Damnit! I resemble them remarks!

[N:ck]

Heh heh heh h-*cough*

[FMluvswater]

LOL! :) Those were great Her454! :) Some of the replies so far were as funny if not funnier! :)
****
acrylic

[Lady Rat Attack 1]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Her454:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________
:D Oh My, Speaking of husbands, it rained last nite and my husband thinks he is being one with nature (if you get my meaning) We live in the country so no one see's him but maybe some family members. But no I did not marry for money wink wink

[MagicMtnDan]

Yeah, I get e-mails of men-bashing jokes like that from my female cousin. She thinks they're funny too.
So I just send her back jokes that bash women. It makes me feel better.
------------------------------
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
------------------------------
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F#ck, Etc."
------------------------------
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party
------------------------------
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.
------------------------------
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
------------------------------
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
------------------------------
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

[Infomaniac]

Very good quality humor.
Except for the Okie joke. wink

[FMluvswater]

MagicMtnDan:
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Great case in point for:
Rule #1 The woman is always right
Rule #2 if the woman is wrong refer to Rule #1. wink :D
****
lithium

[Kim Hanson]

67 Special Insights and Sayings
New sayings that should be on buttons...
1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
20. No matter where you go, there you are.
21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
23. See previous - it's not my fault.
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
26. Meandering to a different drummer.
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38. Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
41. I plead contemporary insanity.
42. And which dwarf are you?
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
46. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. Is it time for your medication or mine?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
57. Earth is full. Go home.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
61. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
67. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
:D wink ...........( . )( . ).......... smile_sp

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

ROFLMAO!!! :D :p :D :p

[GlastronGuy]

Kim Hanson:
67 Special Insights and Sayings
New sayings that should be on buttons...
Way to stay on topic.

[Kim Hanson]

GlastronGuy:
Kim Hanson:
67 Special Insights and Sayings
New sayings that should be on buttons...
Way to stay on topic. Man, I thought you all knew me by now!I try to stay in the topic, till it gets boring and then off to the race's.........( . )( . )......... wink :D

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

What do you tell an ex-boyfriend with two black eyes? :rolleyes:
Nothin, you already told him twice. :p eek!

[FMluvswater]

If you love something,
Set it free.
If it comes back,
It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back,
It was never yours to begin with.
But ...
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free ...
You either married it or gave birth to it. wink :D
****
mid-water pick-up

[Kilrtoy]

FM,
That is some funny shit....

[SBullet]

Her454,
Thank you for the great humor! I needed it this morning to wakeup!

[Her454]

Infomaniac:
Very good quality humor.
Except for the Okie joke. wink That was special for you. :D

[NastyOne]

What do a 100 battered women have in common?
They dont listen. LOL

[FMluvswater]

I was watching Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routine on Just For Laughs last night.
He was relating how safety precautions we take as matter of course weren't commonplace when he was growing up. The example he mentioned was Moms leaving kids in the car while they run into the grocery store .... then he admitted he understood why any parent would WANT to leave small children in the car instead of bringing them into the grocery store. He asked the audience to name the worst aisle in the grocery store to walk through with small children ... the resounding answer was the breakfast cereal aisle. Then Jeff says,
"Kids choose breakfast cereal like men choose lingerie; they'll pick stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize inside!"LMFAO! :D :D
****
compression ratio