"Dear asshole" advice column,.now open

[hoolign]

We have one satisfied customer..we think! :D

[Boozer]

Do you have a scenario you'd like to write to Dear Asshole about?
We here at Dear Asshole would love to help you find a caring and compassionate approach to solve all of your love/personal/sex life needs. Please keep in mind that we are flooded with questions due to popular demand but we will answer your question in as timely a manner as possible.

[Jungle Boy]

Thank you for taking my question. Forgive me if I sound shy, it's because it's my first time that I've used your advise line. What would you say to a friend that comes over and drinks all my beer and smokes my weed, then never has any when I go to his house. This has been an on going problem for some time and it's starting bother me.
I'll hang up now and listen to your advise.
Thank you, Dear Asshole.

[Boozer]

Jungle Boy:
Thank you for taking my question. Forgive me if I sound shy, it's because it's my first time that I've used your advise line. What would you say to a friend that comes over and drinks all my beer and smokes my weed, then never has any when I go to his house. This has been an on going problem for some time and it's starting bother me.
I'll hang up now and listen to your advise.
Thank you, Dear Asshole. Tell RD that the next time he comes over he is to bring beer. If he fails to do so he will be greeted by your shotgun weilding wife ready to give him some hot buck shot right in the asshole!
Bring Beer or get blasted in the Asshole! This is the golden rule.
And thanks for writing!
[ September 15, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Boozer ]

[hoolign]

This is a common problem known as "mooches de bummis" which can be cured by saturating the weed in perfume and only suppling very warm beer,soon your mooching bud will decide to either supply the good stuff and cold beer or go with out
if this does'nt work shoot him with a paintball gun!
[ September 15, 2003, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[Boozer]

RiverDave:
Boozer:
Jungle Boy:
Thank you for taking my question. Forgive me if I sound shy, it's because it's my first time that I've used your advise line. What would you say to a friend that comes over and drinks all my beer and smokes my weed, then never has any when I go to his house. This has been an on going problem for some time and it's starting bother me.
I'll hang up now and listen to your advise.
Thank you, Dear Asshole. Tell RD that the next time he comes over he is to bring beer. If he fails to do so he will be greeted by your shotgun weilding wife ready to give him some hot buck shot right in the asshole!
Bring Beer or get blasted in the Asshole! This is the golden rule.
And thanks for writing! Boozer, I'm starting to wonder if you actually do have some affixiation with my ass.
RD It's an ass thing RD you are to shallow minded to understand. It is all asses in general so please do not feel flattered. Sometimes I think your ego gets the best of you.
Thanks for writing Dear Asshole!

[HOSS]

Jesus.

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

The knee pads would be good but don't forget the elbow pads for yourself. LMAO!! :D

[Boozer]

RiverDave:
Dear Asshole,
There's this guy that hangs out online and all day and all night all he does is talk about gay things. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but he seems to have some sort of affixiation with my ass, or rather my asshole in particular. He also speaks of blowing me on a regular basis. So here's my question, do I shoot him with a paintball gun? Or buy him a pair of knee pads. :D
RD <--- Always voted asshole of the week Based on the fact that I try not to mix my emotions with the advice I give to those seeking it I am unable to answer your question. My answer would be biased. I will let one of the other assholes answer it for you. I apologize for any inconvenience this may present but wish you the best in your pursuit of happiness and hope you get the answers you are looking for.
Thanks for writing Dear Asshole!

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

LMAO!! yah o.k I get it. hahaha :D wink I have some knee pads for you . I think you left them at Boozers. J/K :D

[roostwear]

RiverDave:
Dear Asshole,
...sort of affixiation with my ass, OK, which one is it... asphyxiation or fixation?

[hoolign]

Hold it...you must first be an accredited asshole to respond to these questions!
The Management.
R.D you problem seems to be stemming from a hidden desire to become an asshole!I might suggest a date with your secret admirerer, as one of our guests pointed out the knee pad solution might suffice for now,but how far into the relationship are you looking?don't resort to the wam bam thank you man( :D ) theory,get in touch with your emotions on this one
if that does'nt work..shoot him in the ass with a paintball gun

[Boozer]

MRS FLYIN VEE:
LMAO!! yah o.k I get it. hahaha :D wink I have some knee pads for you . I think you left them at Boozers. J/K :D Nope they aren't at my house. These people rolled up with a DCB that looked just like yours. I got confused so I gave em to them.

[hoolign]

[ September 15, 2003, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[leibniz]

Dear Asshole,
I recently aquired the phone number of a very recent x-girlfriend of an on-line aquaintance. This aquaintance recently broke up with her over a small argument. Question: do I call her to try to have her patch things up with her old boyfriend, or do I just nail her?
Awaiting your valuable advice...

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Well thanks Boozer as you noticed the knee pads were at your house that were left behind by R.D but you were still wearing the elbow pads and didn't want to give them up. :D :p

[hoolign]

liebniz..just nail her!
if that does'nt work wound her ex with a direct shot to the asshole with a paintball gun

[NorCal Gameshow]

one must stay away from the tailpipe, to avoid affixiation... :D

[Liberator TJ1984]

Dear Asshole, where is it you find time to take care of our needs ??? I hear you are a lazy SOB that only eats Bullion cubes with your Beer so you don't even have to work to take a shit !!!
A concerened Neighbor
Deez Nuts

[Boozer]

leibniz:
Dear Asshole,
I recently aquired the phone number of a very recent x-girlfriend of an on-line aquaintance. This aquaintance recently broke up with her over a small argument. Question: do I call her to try to have her patch things up with her old boyfriend, or do I just nail her?
Awaiting your valuable advice... Dear Leib,
I think the answer you are seeking lies within yourself. This whole scenario comes down to question of morality. Where do your morals stand and how much of a friend do you consider this person to be a friend? When you can answer those questions to yourself then you will find the answer that you seek.
If that's to much then just knock the bottom out of the broad and shoot the guy in the asshole.

[hoolign]

R.D...I think there is a spot open for a guest asshole :D

[hoolign]

Liberator TJ1984:
Dear Asshole, where is it you find time to take care of our needs ??? I hear you are a lazy SOB that only eats Bullion cubes with your Beer so you don't even have to work to take a shit !!!
A concerened Neighbor
Deez Nuts bullion cubes with beer...hmmmmm
we may need to add a culinary section to the show :D

[Boozer]

Liberator TJ1984:
Dear Asshole, where is it you find time to take care of our needs ??? I hear you are a lazy SOB that only eats Bullion cubes with your Beer so you don't even have to work to take a shit !!!
A concerened Neighbor
Deez Nuts Dear Lib,
I understand that this is an important issue to you and would love for you to get a valid answer. However, seeing that there is more then 1 asshole here I think it would be beneficial to you to direct this question to a particular asshole.
Thank you for your time and your pateince with us.
Thanks for writing Dear Asshole!

[HOSS]

Wow! Just look at all the assholes. :p
Now this paintball gun thingy. What is the fixation with that?
And leibniz, why not just nail her in the asshole? I always found that to be the ultimate catchback.
PS--it helps if your hung.

[MagicMtnDan]

Dear Asshole, please read the thread about stupid people and help the person who started the thread.

[HOSS]

A culinary section? That is a good line but a sick thought. :D

[hoolign]

Ahhh a guest appearance from our resident proctologist eek!

[NorCal Gameshow]

leibniz:
Dear Asshole,
I recently aquired the phone number of a very recent x-girlfriend of an on-line aquaintance. This aquaintance recently broke up with her over a small argument. Question: do I call her to try to have her patch things up with her old boyfriend, or do I just nail her?
Awaiting your valuable advice... if it was a small argument that broke them up they didn't have much going, so ....

[HOSS]

With all this talk of so many assholes----who is the biggest asshole here? Notactually having the biggest(which is for another twisted thread)but the biggest asshole in general.

[hoolign]

MagicMtnDan:
Dear Asshole, please read the thread about stupid people and help the person who started the thread. click......"obviously someone who's not in touch with their inner asshole"

[leibniz]

Thanks NorCal! I like that answer. Just goes to show... sometimes the best answers are from non-professionals...
:rolleyes:

[Liberator TJ1984]

I just see how with your full time job and all that paper work you may be under much stress , and now I hear you are getting a HEMI (roid) ,.
May I suggest a suppository and rest before you get all blown out
Once again thanks for your much appreciated advice

[NorCal Gameshow]

HOSS:
With all this talk of so many assholes----who is the biggest asshole here? Notactually having the biggest(which is for another twisted thread)but the biggest asshole in general. hoss, that would be you...
i wrote that, because i thought it would make your day...

[HOSS]

UUUUURRRRGGGGHHHHHH,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,pluuumph.

[NorCal Gameshow]

leibniz:
Thanks NorCal! I like that answer. Just goes to show... sometimes the best answers are from non-professionals...
:rolleyes: i'm really not an asshole...i just play one on this thread :D

[hoolign]

HOSS:
With all this talk of so many assholes----who is the biggest asshole here? Notactually having the biggest(which is for another twisted thread)but the biggest asshole in general. all hail...Assholiness :D

[rrrr]

Liberator TJ1984:
May I suggest a suppository and rest Dear Asshole,
This reminds me of a problem I am having. I recently went to the doctor because I have been sick. He says I have Earatibal Bowl Syndrome.
He gave me these big greasy pills wrapped in foil, I have been putting them in my ears. Something to do with this eara bowl syndrome thing. Anyway, I still feel sick, for all the good this medicine is doing I might as well be shoving the pills up my ass.
I called the doctor and he said something a about that suppository thing. I think he is accusing me of faking being sick, 'cause that word sounds like a mixture of suppose and poser. Plus, now I can't hear so good because of those damn big pills.
I am so confused. Can you help me?
Signed,
Hard of Hearing

[fear the turtle]

Damn, I'm gonna have this song stuck in my head all day now. :)
"I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BBGun
lay there in the grass and laugh at what I done.
Put a blood blister upon each bun
I'd like to shoot you in the ass with a BBGun"

[NorCal Gameshow]

rrrr, doctors are like mechanics, there are good ones and there are bad ones....you shouldn't have to shove anything, anywhere by yourself. find a doctor who has a fine nurse to put it in the right hole....
[ September 15, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: NorCal Gameshow ]

[hoolign]

Hard of hearing,
this is a very interesting case you have presented the assholes,first off stop putting them in your ears they are clearly not intended for that means of ingestion! for the hearing problem I suggest calling your significant other by a different name..the decibals you will incure from this are sure to clear any obstuctions from your ears,as for feeling sick..partially insert the pills into your ass then place them directley into your mouth,this will illeviate any prior sickness,because you will be onto a whole new kind of sick,one that will definatley require medical attention.
If this does not work place the pill into a paintball gun,and shoot it directly at your asshole
(disclaimer) any medical advice should be sought from a licenced doctor,not just any asshole!
thank you for calling Dear asshole
[ September 15, 2003, 11:49 AM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[Boozer]

hoolign:
Hard of hearing,
this is a very interesting case you have presented the assholes,first off stop putting them in your ears they are clearly not intended for that means of ingestion! for the hearing problem I suggest calling your significant other by a different name..the decibals you will incure from this are sure to clear any obstuctions from your ears,as for feeling sick..partially insert the pills into your ass then place them directley into your mouth,this will illeviate any prior sickness,because you will be onto a whole new kind of sick,one that will definatley require medical attention.
If this does not work place the pill into a paintball gun,and shoot it directly at your asshole
(disclaimer) any medical advice should be sought from a licenced doctor,not just any asshole!
thank you for calling Dear asshole While my collegue and I often have different opinions on the subject matter presented to us I must say that I do agree with him 100% on this disgnosis. I also want to mention that often time a suppository is mean to be crushed and then injected by force of paint ball gun into the urethra (Head of the penis) This will create massive amounts of discomfort so it is best that you have a licensed professional administer the drug for you. This discomfort will certainly be unpleasant but your bowels will thank you for it later.
Also... If having your significant other scream at you does not clear your hearing problem then I recommend using a high pressure air compressor to clear the problem. 120 psi of air directly into the ear canal should solve the problem.

[hoolign]

excellent prognosis,the ol shoot it up the penis trick,that may just be the answer!it will also totally help you forget the sickness your feeling
I find that if I place my penis in a vice,place the pill gently into the end,then use a 4 LB hammer to drive it in, this also works
good luck
[ September 15, 2003, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[rrrr]

Boozer:
This discomfort will certainly be unpleasant but your bowels will thank you for it later.
120 psi of air directly into the ear canal should solve the problem. I am more confused than ever. I don't understand what bowls have to do with this. They are stacked in my kitchen cabinet, just like always.
And I've never even been to New York, so why would I shoot air into the Ear Canal?
You guys are assholes, for sure.
[ September 15, 2003, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: rrrr ]

[Boozer]

"Dear Asshole" Daily segment. We here at Dear Asshole are dedicated to providing you all with the best possible cures and solutions to your problems. Unlike the doctors and shrinks of today we strive to provide you with the most modern, up to date alternatives to the primitive ways that most doctors do things.
On top of all this we want to provide you with compassionate, understanding, and caring solutions. Unlike the slam the door in the face solution most medical "un"professionals provide.
To prove our dedication to all of you we the assholes are going to provide a daily "Tips and Tricks" segment. A new tip or trick will provided daily Mon-Fri. These tips and tricks will vary from How to cure a nasty hang over to How to get over a bad case of vlue balls. Plus many more exciting information filled tips and tricks.
However, WE NEED YOUR HELP! That's right. We are the pioneers of the modern age medical advice but we as pioneers still need help from all of you.
HERES HOW YOU CAN HELP! All those little tips and tricks you know and you can think of should be submitted to us VIA PM. We will choose the best one daily and verify that it works and then post your tip and trick for everyone else! Not to mention we will make sure YOU get full credit for the idea because upon your request we will post your name! Please submit it VIA PM though because we need to make sure it will in fact work before posting it. The last thing we want to do is give bogus info to all of out devoted fans.
Thanks for the help!
And Thanks for Supporting Dear Asshole!!!

[hoolign]

I must concur, that is an excellent idea!
who better to help our audience than themselves.
my tip for the day is.
never..I repeat never, place your testicles in a glass of water,if you are outside in -45c weather,
this can cause incredible pain and unneeded suffering to the testicles.
and you women out there..please do not do this with labia as well!
[ September 15, 2003, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[Boozer]

hoolign:
I must concur, that is an excellent idea!
who better to help our audience than themselves.
my tip for the day is.
never..I repeat never, place your testicles in a glass of water,if you are outside in -45c weather,
this can cause incredible pain and unneeded suffering to the testicles. Just to confirm I did clarify this in actuality is a factual statement that I confirmed in my medical journal. If you do place your testicles into water at -45C you risk having your testicles freeze into the water because water does freeze quickly at that temperature but also risk freezing the testicles to the point that amputation may be required and if you really want to be castrated there are more pleasant ways of doing so, like placing your testicles in the mouth of a newly born calf.

[hoolign]

i must step out for a few hours, my subscription to malpractice weekly has been up graded,to gold member status,so I have to go forge another cheque

[Ntwotrance]

Dear Asshole,
Recently I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids and my doctor suggested I buy a doughnut to sit on to relieve some of the pressure. I must admit that while the chocolate doughnuts do provide some lubrication, the hole premise of sitting on these things is lost to me…maybe you could explain this concept to me…

[Boozer]

Ntwotrance:
Dear Asshole,
Recently I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids and my doctor suggested I buy a doughnut to sit on to relieve some of the pressure. I must admit that while the chocolate doughnuts do provide some lubrication, the hole premise of sitting on these things is lost to me…maybe you could explain this concept to me… Ntwotrance, I am really sorry to hear about your hemroids. I know that hemroids are certainly something that none of us ever want to experience but at some point or another most of us will experience them.
Did your Doctor recommend the use of a chocolate donut? I typically advise that people use the strawberry powder filled from Krispy Kreme. Although not a donut but still a wonderful breakfast pastry is an Apple Fritter, these are both tasty and comfy you should try it. Best thing is to sit on it for about an hour to get it realy nice and warm. Then chow down. A Bare ass is the best ass for warming it up. Not only will your ass thank you for it but so will your tummy.
If this does not work for you a Green Paintball shot directly into the rectal passage at 550 FPS will alleviate you of all hemroid concerns. The hemroids wont go away but you will no longer be concerned about them.
Thank you for writing Dear Asshole.

[Liberator TJ1984]

Dear Asshole , Even I am not a big Treekie Fan , I still have encounters with Klingons every so often... is this Normal ????

[hoolign]

Liberator TJ1984:
Dear Asshole , Even I am not a big Treekie Fan , I still have encounters with Klingons every so often... is this Normal ???? This is a somewhat common problem,more frequently one expieriences encounters with Romulins,has there been any rectal probing as of yet?if you should again encounter these "Klingons" show them your own "klingons"[which are somtimes refered to as
willknots]if they are persistant I suggest a warm bath to loosen them up, then wipe them out!
if this does not suffice,a paintball gun loaded with exlax aimed directley at any asshole will help
thanx for asking "the assholes"
[ September 15, 2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[hoolign]

Boozer, we got alot of work to do around here!
better keep this at the top,
remember people we're here to help :p

[Boozer]

Yup we sure do.
Folks we are here to provide a helping hand. So please feel free to reach out and grab the hand that we are offering. You have nothing to be afraid of. After all, we're all in this together.

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

jawdrop jawdrop jawdrop

[hoolign]

Mrs flyin v,havent been lookin at "the Bean" have you? :D

[Jungle Boy]

Dear Dr. Assholes,
Is it common for your balls to itch a week after shaving them? cry

[Boozer]

Jungle Boy:
Dear Dr. Assholes,
Is it common for your balls to itch a week after shaving them? cry You shaved your balls a week ago and they itch? This is usually a sign of HerpaSiphylAids. Have you been tested lately?

[hoolign]

If you will turn your attention to the left,this patient has installed the auto scratch 2000,
it's still in its experimental phases,but offers the wearer,an ease from that annoying itch frequently associated with "the week after shaving"as well as hours of plain ol good times.
also available with a digital recording of"woo woo" tripped by a motion sensor.
thanx for asking "the assholes"

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

hoolign:
Mrs flyin v,havent been lookin at "the Bean" have you? :D That is all i could look at. How can you miss that thing. LOL jawdrop I guess bean doesn't have to worry about waving his at his wife he does a pretty good job himself "Look ma no hands" :D

[hoolign]

May we add, this is a free service to ***boat memebers only!

[hoolign]

that should be self explanitory....it's the people we deal with on a regular basis,but we are not biased,we help them all!the weak ..the deranged, the criminally insane, and yes those who are in denial.whatevever class you fall into, we're here to help!

[Boozer]

Anyone have a question for the Asshole's today?

[Liberator TJ1984]

Dear Assholes,
It is truely a shitty job you have , but most people are in Denial . Having such professionals as yourselfs on the internet with all your worldly knowledge I can finally rest at night assured in the infinate wisdom you have shared with the unknowing ....
This is the utmost sign of caring and unselfishness...
Go forth unto your flock, for you are truely Saints among sheep...

[Boozer]

Liberator TJ1984:
Dear Assholes,
It is truely a shitty job you have , but most people are in Denial . Having such professionals as yourselfs on the internet with all your worldly knowledge I can finally rest at night assured in the infinate wisdom you have shared with the unknowing ....
This is the utmost sign of caring and unselfishness...
Go forth unto your flock, for you are truely Saints among sheep... Liberator,
Thank you for your kind words. You are so right in your statements about others but it is people like you that truely have faith and believe in us that make us dedicate ourselves to our work. Thank you so much Liberator. This is often a thankless job so your kind words mean a lot to us.
God Bless you.
Thank you for writing Dear Asshole.

[hoolign]

To my easteamed colleage
I don't think I can make it in today, as I am suffering from the mother of all hangovers,Jose Cuervo
got he best of me last night,and today he's in my head trying to get out with a hammer!!
tip for the day.
for inserting ear plugs in ,do not insert them partially,put your head in a vice and crank them in,this can cause serious discomfort,and injury,
have someone place the earplugs in a paintball gun and blast them into each ear from close range,this will ensure a snug fit

[hoolign]

Liberator
I also wish to thank you for you words of encouragment,they mean alot, it picks us up ,this is a tiresome job with small rewards,but it's comments like yours that push us that extra mile!
people,we are not recieving your comments and daily tips,lets help each other out here,this is
the least we can offer each other,helpfull,caring advice!
The Assholes
[ September 16, 2003, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: hoolign ]

[hoolign]

O.k...after a brief spell of negotiating our deal with NBC we have decided that it's you,the people of ***boat who are our soul objective,we are here to help people,this is a free service,although donations can be made with copious amounts of beer
so lay it on us!
Havin problems with your highschool head
he's givin you the blues
wanna graduate
but not in his bed
here's what ya gotta do
pick up the phone I'm always home
or make a social call
you know the rest! :D

[betty boop]

your advice is definitely needed on the threads "phat_kat" and "closing statement" - it seems to me that these two need some serious, urgent help....so please assholes...do your job... argue

[NorCal Gameshow]

Hooli' here's a flashback... :D

[SmokinLowriderSS]

Love that thread. Good to know what good company of assholes I am in here. I'm one of the greater assholes the world has seen. Both my ex-wives will vouch for me. :D :D :D

[hoolign]

Hooli' here's a flashback... :D
I tell ya it brings a tear to my eye :rolleyes: