WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

[OMEGA_BUBBLE_JET]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a
drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat
down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is
it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little
tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up
to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!
A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[FMluvswater]

:D :D :D
I think my fave of that lot is "The big sissy!" :D

[Ziggy]

They're all good ones....copy and paste worthy.

[hoolign]

The talking chicken...that's bloody funny :D

[FMluvswater]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

[FMluvswater]

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

[FMluvswater]

What A Baby Would Tell You
I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me, it's PlayStation 2.
Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada". My first word is going to be "hat".
I've told you five times what a cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

[FMluvswater]

One day a mother was explaining to her young son that you should never tell a lie. She told him that God saw everything and heard everything. She explained, "Even though your father and I may not know if you are telling a lie, God will know."
The young son replied, "But will He tell?"

[FMluvswater]

Things We Can Learn From Our Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[beached 1]

Those are cute.

[FMluvswater]

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"

[FMluvswater]

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[Hal]

Mommy's Kiss (http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=2291) :D

[FMluvswater]

Awww! Hal, that was completely adorable!! :D I loved it! I sent it to my girlfriend even. :)

[FMluvswater]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why he hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw. His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
****
piston-ring seal

[FMluvswater]

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice carries?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his mom was.
****
mooring cleats

[FMluvswater]

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she get's pregnant."
A few days later, after pondering this for some time, the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man ever get his penis back??"
****
single bilge blower

[FMluvswater]

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
****
heated outboard cover