Friday Funnies

[spectratoad]

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's
age--
In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you
cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her her, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis
is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

[izquik72]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire > started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, firefighters. The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f---ing truck."

[Mrs Scuba]

20 Years
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

[twistedpair]

The FBI was called out to investigate a crime scene in a remote rural area. As they were draining a local pond looking for clues, several weighted down bodies began to emerge. The local sheriff, who had been watching the scene unfold turned and said to the FBI agents 'Well, ain't that just like a bunch of (insert your favorite slur here), stole more chain and cinderblocks than they could swim with'.

[dimarcobros]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "And
I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's
because he's inside your ****ing cat."
DMB

[dimarcobros]

One more...
A young Irish boy rises from his seat in the church pew and goes to
the confessional. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been
with a loose woman".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,
Father, it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" say the priest.
"I can't be tellin' you, Father, I don't want to be ruinin' her reputation."
"Well, Tommy," says the priest, "I'm sure to find out sooner or
later, so you may as well be tellin' me now, was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I can't be sayin'."
"Was it Patricia Kelley?" "I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't be namin' her."
"Was it Katie Morgan?" My lips are sealed," says the boy.
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?", asks the priest. "Please, Father, I
can't be tellin' you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessey, and I admire that, but you've sinned, and you must
atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
DMB