Redneck..?

[Jbb]

You're a redneck if............................
*You take your dog for a walk and both use the same tree.
*You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter.
* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow it.
* You think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with more than you took.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

[Tom Brown]

You're a redneck if............................
* You've ever rolled a garden tractor.

[hot_diggity_dog]

And their kids end up looking like this
http://www.hotboatpics.com/pics/data/504/724Redneck_Baby.jpg
HDD :cool:
[ April 29, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: hot_diggity_dog ]

[68campbell]

I have in fact rolled my garden tractor...several times.

[Tom Brown]

Well Campbell, if the duck blind fits...

[68campbell]

Its not my fault it doesn't corner like a Flatty

[HOSS]

What about walk behinds. Rolled that.

[Tom Brown]

Nice. :D

[Boatcop]

If you walk your kid to school, cause you're both in the same grade.
If your porch colapses and it kills more than 2 dogs.
If your mom doesn't take the camel non-filter out of her mouth when she tells the State trooper to "Kiss my ass".
If your family tree has no limbs.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
If you go to your family reunion to pick up girls.
[ April 29, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: Boatcop ]

[Jordy]

Hey JBB, here is the definitive list. Being from GA, some of these should hit pretty close to home. :D
You're probably a redneck if . . .
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ********?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
49. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there . . . .
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood."
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn...."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Your "huntin dawg" cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places."
118. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

[Jbb]

In fact all of them do!

[sorry dog]

You've ever rolled a garden tractor. That's not funny. My ass still hurts from last week.

[sorry dog]

Also a true story from work:
If you've ever gotten in a fight with your neighbor from the trailer next door and he bit off your finger but you forgive him after he brings over a 6 pack the next night.

[HOSS]

65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
OH COME ON NOW! burningm

[68campbell]

My existance is now the topic of a thread...
...only thing I don't have is a double wide as my primary residence.

[ROZ]

68campbell:
My existance is now the topic of a thread...
...only thing I don't have is a double wide as my primary residence. I notice you said, "primary residence"....lol
[ April 30, 2003, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: ROZ ]

[Ziggy]

You must be a redneck: if you smell you own fart and think of dinner. yuk