Kim Hanson
11-10-2002, 11:51 AM
> If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your
> cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
...............( . )( . )............ :D
> cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> third judge is even better!
> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
> actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
> takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes
> are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
> from the East Coast.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
> to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
> two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
> accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.!!!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
> they saw the look on my face.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out ones taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match
> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure he's going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
...............( . )( . )............ :D