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twistedpair
04-19-2003, 10:32 AM
LITTLE JOHNNY ON... GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from
him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy
isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be
107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather
eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own
****ing business!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON... PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how
many will be left?" She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4,
but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for
YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down
the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
"Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the
top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct
answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but
I like your thinking."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON... MATH
Little Johnny returns home from school and says he
got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6,"
replied Little Johnny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher
says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny,
that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're
thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of hands from those who
could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First she called on Little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful
dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She
then called on Little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful."

mickeyfinn
04-19-2003, 10:41 AM
Little Johnny is in school and the class has been studying sex education. She is going around the room asking everyone to relate a real life experience that involves sex. Little Sally raised her hand and told the teacher that her aunt had a baby that weekend and she now had a new cousin. Little Billy raised his hand and told the class that his dog had puppies that weekend. The teacher was worried when she called on little Johnny and he stood up and told the teacher, "I was watching the lone Ranger on TV this weekend and a whole tribe of indians were coming at him. Tonto ran off and he shot all of his bullets and then killed the rest of the indians with his bare hands"....The teacher was relieved that the story was clean but had to ask "little Johnny what does that story have to do with sex?"..Little Johnny replied....He taught them indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger!!!!

mickeyfinn
04-19-2003, 10:44 AM
Little Johnny was and school and had to go to the bathroom. He stood up and said "TEACHER I HAVE TO PISS!!!!!" Teacher got upset and informed Johnny that dirty language would not be tolerated and that the proper word was urinate. The teacher then told Johnny he could go to the bathroom after he used the word urinate in a sentence.
Johnny thought for a minute and then said...
"OK Teacher, urinate....but if your tits were bigger you'd be a 10!!!"

mickeyfinn
04-19-2003, 11:01 AM
Well, I may piss a lot of people off so I will ask the question before. Do jokes offensive to racial minorities go over very well here?.....

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:25 PM
I like this one........( . )( . )....... :D http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/721052.jpg

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:35 PM
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch
:D :D

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:39 PM
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?" The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch." The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!" The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?" The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
I just got a chuckle out of it....( . )( . )..... :D wink

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:41 PM
Men In Heaven
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
'Well, I ran out onto the! balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'
The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.
A few seconds later the next guy comes up. 'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'
The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'
The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator....'
:D :D

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:44 PM
Sorry, no little Johnny jokes :( .......( . )( . )..
NO ANESTHETIC NEEDED
A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need
to give you an anesthetic."
The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."
The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"
The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life.
Just pull the tooth."
The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The
dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I
would like to know about it."
The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we
stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when
Thursday came, all were tired but me,,so I went out by myself. When I
got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I
realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back
to the cabin, I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and
dropped my pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap under
the snow cover, and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap
and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."
The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the
second experience?"
The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."
:D :D

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:53 PM
It was this guy's birthday. so his wife
decided to come home from work early and
surprise him with a great birthay preasent.
so she went out to
buy some crotchless pants. when the husband
got home
the wife asked, "do you want some of this baby?"
the husband replied, "hell no, look at what it did
to your pants!"
:D :D

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 03:57 PM
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/500/72cj_18895.jpg

Kim Hanson
04-19-2003, 04:01 PM
>This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
>
>
>Day 1
>Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
>celebrate. When it
>came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
>bathroom and
>cried.
>
>Day 2
>Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
>and he
>wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I
>don't know!
>I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
>
>Day 3
>This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
>picture of
>Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
>
>Day 4
>A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
>his
>'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
>things will
>be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I
>replaced
>his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his
>mood.
>
>Day 5
>What absolute bliss!!
>
>Day 6
>Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
>
>Day 7
>This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
>Burger
>King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were
>talking
>about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever
>been so
>happy.
>
>Day 8
>I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
>the
>lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a
>bit sore
>down there.
>
>Day 9
>No time to write. He might catch me.
>
>Day 10
>Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
>to make
>matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am
>I going
>to do? I feel tacky all over...
>
>Day 11
>I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
>Decker
>drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits
>hurt. He's a
>complete pig.
>
>Day 12
>I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
>even
>washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has bec! ome
>dangerous...
>
>Day 13
>Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
>bed with a
>scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry"
>thing again,
>I'll kill the jerk.
>
>Day 14
>I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
>started
>dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help
>me!
>
>Day 15
>I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I
>sit on. The
>cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
>Last
>night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
>
>Day 16
>The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
>thing
>explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back
>on
>Prozac.
>
>Day 17
>Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...
>Christ!
>Here he comes again!
>
>Day 18
>He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV
>all day
>with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
>for him.
>What absolute bliss!
:D :D

FMluvswater
04-19-2003, 04:32 PM
Stereotypes ... ?
:D
Things SHE Won't Ever Say ...
Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
You know I think you should get a girlfriend on the side.
I'm wrong. You must be right again.
What do you mean today is our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight. I'd rather just watch TV.
Awww don't stop for directions honey, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get us there.
Hey pull my finger!
That was a great fart! I'm so impressed! Please do another one!
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
Say let's go down to the mall so you can check out other women's asses.
Honey our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again come see!
Oh not the mall again! Let's go scope out that new strip joint instead!
You need your sleep, stud so stop getting up for the baby's night feedings!wink smile_sp wink
Things HE Won't Ever Say ...
Sex isn't that important. Sometimes I just want to be held.
While I'm up can I get you anything?
Here honey you use the remote tonight.
Oooh! Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt honey we have to see this movie!
Her tits are much too big poor girl.
Sex without a condom? That wouldn't feel right at all.
I prefer women with hairy legs.
I think you are a better driver than I am.
I don't know where we are either, let's stop and ask for directions.
Forget the game let's watch something on Lifetime together.
I miss the mall. Please won't you let me take you shopping?
Here let me hold your purse while you try that on.
Let's turn off the tv and talk about our relationship.
Tell me in detail what you're thinking about?:D

mickeyfinn
04-19-2003, 06:10 PM
More little johnny
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
*************************************************
Little Johnnie was going to a public school and he was doing very badly in maths. So his mother decided to put he into a Catholic school. When she got his report card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had improved tremendously.
So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"!!
*************************************************
Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"
Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."
Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"
*************************************************

FMluvswater
05-06-2003, 12:17 PM
MORE LITTLE JOHNNY ...
The teacher walks into the room. There is two little girls and one little boy. The teacher turns to the first little girl and says "I have something round and soft in this pocket. Can you tell me what it is?" The little girl says, "it's a apple."The teacher says no that's wrong, but I like the way you think." So she turns to the other little girl and says,"I have something hard and round in this pocket. Can you tell me what it is?" and the little girl says, "it's an orange." The teacher says no that's wrong, but I like the way you think." Then she turns to the little boy and says,"I'm not going to ask you, because everytime I ask you something you always come back with something dirty." The little boy says, "Okay, I have something round, hard, and it has a head on it in my pocket. Can you tell me what it is?" and the teacher said,"see I told you would say something dirty, but what is it?" The little boy said, "it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

Jrocket
05-06-2003, 12:26 PM
Love the jokes...
Signed....Johnny Rocket :D

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:30 AM
Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:30 AM
Six year-old Little Johnny walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe in a couple of years," replied Little Johnny. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:32 AM
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:42 AM
One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother. "Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."
"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"
"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."
Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.
The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door. "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"
There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself. "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"
"I'm playing poker, Daddy."
"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"
Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:42 AM
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck like this?"
Sally holds up her hand and says it's a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a zebra. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes like this?"
Billy holds up his hand and says it's a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next, the teacher holds up a picture of a deer. Again, no hands are raised, so the teacher says, "See the big antlers on this animal? What animal has horns like this?"
Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint,"says the teacher. "It's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out, "I know what it is -- it's a horny bastard."
[ May 09, 2003, 04:47 AM: Message edited by: FMluvswaterbabe ]

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:50 AM
Little Johnny's mother was tucking him into bed one summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "He's a big sissy!"

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:53 AM
"Mommy, tomorrow I have an oral exam, and one question the teacher will ask me is 'who made you?' What should I say?" asked little Johnny.
"God made you, dear," replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny forgot what his mother had said. So, he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my Daddy who made me, but then Mommy said it was someone else... and I can't remember the guy's name."

FMluvswater
05-09-2003, 03:53 AM
"Mommy, tomorrow I have an oral exam, and one question the teacher will ask me is 'who made you?' What should I say?" asked little Johnny.
"God made you, dear," replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny forgot what his mother had said. So, he explained, "Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my Daddy who made me, but then Mommy said it was someone else... and I can't remember the guy's name."

Catmando
05-09-2003, 09:14 AM
Good ones, peeps! :D :D
[ May 09, 2003, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Catmando ]

FMluvswater
05-10-2003, 04:00 AM
The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick.
Billy said "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker."
Suzie "I think about our new house."
Then the teacher thought, 'Why don't I ask Little Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?'
So, she said, "Little Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?"
Little Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!"
The teacher was horrified "But why, Little Johnny? Why? This is a brick!"
Little Johnny said, "I always think about naked Chicks!"

FMluvswater
05-10-2003, 01:04 PM
It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.
"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.
"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"
"Me and my family rode our bikes together."
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.
"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to draw Little Johnny out.
"Yes."
"Did you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Did you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.
"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but Daddy always says that when Mommy and sis' start *cycling* together, it's time to get the hell out of town."

FMluvswater
05-10-2003, 01:06 PM
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Little Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, ma'am!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, ma'am, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. When the neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say '****' the dog ate him!"

FMluvswater
05-10-2003, 01:15 PM
Suzy, age 9, and Little Johnny, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing. Little Johnny says to Suzy, "Screw you, Suzy."
A minute goes by and Suzy replies, "Screw YOU, Little Johnny."
A moment or two and Little Johnny says, "Screw YOU, Suzy."
In response, "Screw *YOU*, Little Johnny," Suzy says.
After about ten minutes of this, Suzy's mom comes out on the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:14 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY: A DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:19 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY AND FATHER JOSEPH
Little Johnny was on his way back home from the store with a
loaf of bread in one hand, and his other hand in his pants
pocket.
Off in the distance, Father Joseph sees little
Johnny and realizes this is the perfect opportunity to go preach the gospel of the Holy Bible to the young boy.
Father Joseph approaches little Johnny and says, "I see that you have the "Staff of Life" in one hand."
"Yep," replies little Johnny. "And I have a loaf of bread in
the other!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:22 PM
Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:24 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY AND PROPER GRAMMAR
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny...
Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:27 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY AND WORMS
Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:31 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY CAN'T COUNT
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

FMluvswater
10-12-2003, 09:36 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY GETS DIRTY
Little Johnny walked into the house covered in filth. His mom asked, "Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?"
Johnny replied, " I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are."

OLDRAT
10-13-2003, 06:05 AM
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." Teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated." Teacher said, "Well, that was also good, Sally, but I am looking for the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so freakin big, She can only fasten eight."

Taylor LP
10-13-2003, 08:18 AM
The teacher in Little Johnnys class was doing an exercise where she would say a letter, and call on a student who would say a word that began with that letter.
She hesitated calling on Little Johnny, because she knew if given the chance, he would say a swear word. After calling on all the other children, she finally came up with a letter she knew he couldn't make a swear word out of. She called out "R" and called on Little Johnny.
"I know, I know!!! he said, a rat, a big ****ing rat!!

OGShocker
10-13-2003, 08:30 PM
A little Johnny wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little Johnny was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read,"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those a*#holes deducted $95.00 in taxes!"

FMluvswater
10-14-2003, 09:21 AM
Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error.
"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"
"Without water in it."

FMluvswater
10-14-2003, 09:23 AM
Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!"
Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable
word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate".
Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!".
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a bj".

FMluvswater
10-14-2003, 09:25 AM
Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends,
"It's okay, we can play that game again!"

FMluvswater
10-16-2003, 02:48 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY: SUNDAY SCHOOL JABBER
Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,
"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

FMluvswater
10-16-2003, 02:49 PM
Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..."
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...
"...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."

Gman
10-16-2003, 03:18 PM
One day little Johnnys teacher asked little suzie "how do you spell cat"? Little Suzie said " c-a-t" The teacher said "good job, and now desciribe the sound the animal makes" And little Suzie said " MEOW ".
Then she called on little billy and asked the same question. Little Billy said " cow, c-o-w and it says MOO. very good Billy.
Then she ask "who can spell PIG" little Johnny raised his hand and said " I can, I can" Reluctantly she said " okay Johnny how do you spell PIG"? Johnny answered "P-I-G". very good and what sound does a pig make? And johnny replied " Get out of the car and spread em Mother ****er"! :D

FMluvswater
12-07-2003, 01:35 PM
A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
The salesman asked if his mother was home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

FMluvswater
12-07-2003, 01:44 PM
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt." She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "Water is definitely clear." "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Johnny sowly raises his hand. "Yes, little Johnny?" asks the teacher. "Can I ask a question, teacher?" little Johnny replies. "Yes." "Do farts have lumps?" "No. Why do you ask." "Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

FMluvswater
12-07-2003, 01:50 PM
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Liberator TJ1984
12-07-2003, 02:07 PM
Little Johnny is sitting on the corner playing with a jar full of clear liquid right across from the church... Father James watches him intently for about an hour then can't stand it anymore , he has to see what he's up to and asks him ; what you got there Johhny ??
Why Father ,this here is the most powerful liquid on Earth !!! Carb Cleaner !!!! Father James tells him no way ! the most powerful liquid on Earth is Holy Water !!! Why Johhny I can rub a few drops of this on a pregnant womans belly and she'll pass a baby every time !!!Johhny replys ; Father that ain't nothin'....
This mouning I rubbed some of this stuff on our Cat's Ass and he passed a motorcycle:eek: :D

Kilrtoy
12-07-2003, 02:12 PM
Little Johnny is a SMART ASS

mgar_red
12-07-2003, 09:20 PM
Little Johnny walks in on his dad while he was using the bathroom. Instead of getting upset and yelling at him to leave, his dad calls him over. "Son, it's about time you learned about the facts of life. Do you know what this is?" making reference to his penis. Johnny says "that's where I pee from, right? Well yes son, but it's called a dick, and that there is one fine example of a perfect sized dick". "Oh.....okay" said Johnny.
A few days later Little Johnny was in a public restroom when an older gentleman stood at the urinal next to him. The gentleman couldn't help but notice the size of Johnny's appendage. "Boy, you sure are well equiped for a boy your age, aren't you" exclaimed the man. "Yeah" said Johnny, "and if it was three inches shorter, it would be the perfect size too".:D

FMluvswater
02-10-2004, 02:48 AM
Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal.
The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnny: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision."
The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnny answered, "Legs."
The teacher then asked, "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide!
Before he could stop Johnny 's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

FMluvswater
02-27-2004, 11:28 AM
Little Johnny had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. Little Johnny considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've been doing."

FMluvswater
02-27-2004, 11:31 AM
Little Johnny and his father were driving down the street when the boy noticed two dogs mating, "Daddy! What are those dogs doing?" asked little Johnny.
"Well, son, that's how puppies are made," said Dad.
"Oh," said Johnny thoughtfully and he sat quietly seeming to enjoy the rest of the ride.
Later that night, Johnny walked past his parents bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door and sees his parents making love. "Daddy! What are you doing to Mommy?"
Flustered, trying to cover up Dad says, "Ah, son, um, well, Mommy and me are making you a new brother or sister!"
The boy thinks about this for a second and says "Well Dad, turn her over, I want puppies!!"

FMluvswater
02-27-2004, 12:11 PM
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!" Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!" A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!" Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up.....I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, "Reverend, you ain't said nothing about meing and meing!"

FMluvswater
02-27-2004, 12:14 PM
Little Suzy, age 9, and Little Johnny, age 10, are sitting on the front porch swing.
Little Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
A minute goes by and Little Suzy turns to Johnny, and says... "Screw you Johnny."
Another minute goes by, and Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
In a minute or two Suzy says to Johnny..."Screw you Johnny."
A few minutes pass, and Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."
A minutes later Suzy says to Johnny..."Screw you Johnny."
About that time an adult steps out on to the porch and says..."What are you kids doing?"
They answer in unison....."We are having oral sex!"

FMluvswater
02-27-2004, 12:44 PM
Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher, wanted the class to play a game where one student starts drawing on the board, then one by one others add to it.
She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some "unusual" picture in mind.
So she starts with Jane.
http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v56/FMluvswaterbabe/LJdrawpt1.gif

FMluvswater
03-10-2004, 08:21 PM
The teacher asks, "Jessica, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
Jessica blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."
The teacher calls on Little Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"
"That's easy," says Little Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."
"Very good, Johnny," responds the surprised teacher. "That's correct."
She then turns to Jessica and says, "First, you didn't read your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."

FMluvswater
06-21-2004, 07:18 PM
Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the father of many."
Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grand children. But, he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father of hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

FMluvswater
09-29-2005, 02:14 PM
Hope my friend doesn't see this or I'll get the evil eye but it made me laugh out loud :D
Little Johnny
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said,
"That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move,
"Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"

Rockdog
09-29-2005, 02:40 PM
The teacher decided it was time to test the children on their vocabulary, and told the children "Allright kids, I'll call out a letter, and you tell me a word that starts with that letter. The first letter is a."
Little Johnny's hand went shooting up into the air, waving wildly. The teacher, knowing his propensity of using swear words, quickly called on another little girl, "yes jessica". "A is for Apple", Jessica pipes up with. Very good. "okay, the letter B".
Little Johnny's hand quickly shoots up again. " um, Carl how about you" Carl responds "B is for boat".
This goes on for awhile w/ Little Johnny's arm waving frantically in the air.
Finally, she gets to the letter r, and Little Johnny's arm goes flying up. She thinks, and thinks, but can't think of any swear words starting with an r, so she has pity, and calls on Little Johnny.
"Rats, big ****ing rats w/ dicks this BIG

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:11 AM
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really f u c k, I've got nothing left to live for!"

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:17 AM
Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

FMluvswater
10-12-2005, 11:24 AM
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"