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View Full Version : The problem with parents and kid sports



hd&boatrider
12-11-2003, 01:22 PM
OK....here it is and just remember it is only my opinion so take it for what it is worth......
I have coached NJB basketball and even sat on the board for two years in Anaheim Hills. I have coached LL baseball but mostly travel baseball while my son was growing up. I also coached soccer and a little football. I only tell you this so you know a little about my perspective.
There are many situations that arise but you need to first compare apples to apples and then break it down from there.
If you are talking about a rec league where everyone is supposed to play and so forth then you need understand that winning is not the main objective--at least it shouldn't be in my opinion. Within the rec leagues you have parents that volunteer their time and coach. many parents are only looking for a baby sitter. Drop the kids off and come back to pick them up. Most coaches have children on their team so many times the objectives of the league can get forgotten when it comes to their own kid. I somewhat understand this as they are giving the time voluntarily. This is where a lot of problems can occur. You know...the parent runs their mouth and causes all sorts of problems. Teams can self destruct very quickly and bad attitudes can be developed. In this type of setting the kids are just wanting to have some fun and be with their buddies. Sadly, it is very easy to take all the fun out of it for the kids. I blame the friggin' parents. Wether they make selfish decisions to benefit their own team as the coach or ****in' things up for the kids by acting like it is a professional league. Remember the kids just want to play.
Then there are the next level of travel teams. My son played travel ball since he was about 8. Travel ball today has changed quite dramatically over the last 11 years (my son is 19). The travel teams main objective is to win. Not at all costs but to a much higher degree than the rec leagues. Most teams have tryouts and playing time is not guranteed. It is up to the coach to make those decsions. Again, the kids want to play but based on the nature of the team makeup they a stronger desire to win than the rec leagues. The travel teams today are a friggin' joke in my opinion. To much pressure to early. When I hear of kids 8 and 9 years old being taken out of school to go accross country to play in tournaments it makes me sick. A large number of these parents (the majority) are living thru their kids. I think we all do to a certain extent but this is ridiculous. They all think their kid is the next Gretzky, Magic, LaBron or ARod. The odds are very minimal that these kids will go any where with their atheletics as far as college or professional. These parents really have no clue it seems. What started out as a game ends up being a nightmare for many kids. The pressure to succeed on the field....you know after mommy and daddy spent all that money. The coaches here can be a real problem also but as a parent with free will choices you can decide to go to another team or just decide travel ball is not worth all of stuff that goes with it.
Solution to this stuff: I came up with a solution to this problem with parents when I coached. At the first practice I made it mandatory for all coaches, parents and players to be present. I wanted to set the guidelines for what we were going to strive to achieve as a team and what role they wanted me to play in all of it. For instance I would let them decide what emphasis they wanted to place on winning. Do they want us to go for the wins aggresively or to more or less just enjoy playing the game properly with no regard to wins/losses? Things like that. It was amazing to me that once this group decision was made it was much easier to get parent support. Shit, I had those parents policing themselves. One of the most satisfying teams I had was an NJB team. We went 0-10 but not one kid was hanging his head at the end of the season. They improved every single game and I made sure they had fun and learned fundementals. Only had one problem with a parent that year and it got resolved quickly.
The problem in a nutshell in youth sports is overzealous parents and a lack of communication between the coaches, parents and the kids. I could go on and on as this is something that I feel I am qualified to discuss from all three sides of this fence.
HS sports is another topic entirely :)
Sorry this was so long.

JetBoatRich
12-11-2003, 03:11 PM
Totally agree Tom:o
Now when you have a parent, who is the head coach with these issues it can make it for a fun season. Their kid has to do it all.
I few years back, my daughter was on a soccer team. The coach's daughter never missed a minute and the rest of the team was not even close to her Daughters level of play, just ask her. She treated the rest of the team bad, a few of the kids never wanted to play again and didn't. The fun was not there, imagine that taking the fun out of something you really like at 10 years old.

SoCal_fun
12-11-2003, 04:38 PM
I have a daughter 7 and my Son is 8 1/2. They both have been playing soccer up here in Quartz Hill. It hasn't been too bad, but I can see the changes coming and this may have been the last year I let them play.
Most of the time the parents are pretty cool, but IMHO, it only takes 1 or 2 to screw it up. Stalking the sidelines, yelling at the kids!!! Makes me really upset.
Now, I really appreciate all the volenteering that goes into AYSO, but this season, I had to pull my Son out of a couple of practices because of one of our coaches.
In the early Fall when the season starts up here in the AV it can still be HOT @ 90+. We have over zealous coaches making 8 year olds that have been at school all day run a mile in the heat and then practice for 2 hours after that.
This is crazy IMHO.
I have great memories of playing baseball and football when I was a kid, but I'm wondering if it is really worth it.

JetBoatRich
12-11-2003, 04:41 PM
My brother in-law is a Director for Quartz Hill AYSO, been involved in the league for many years. My sister runs the VIP program their.
Originally posted by SoCal_fun
I have a daughter 7 and my Son is 8 1/2. They both have been playing soccer up here in Quartz Hill. It hasn't been too bad, but I can see the changes coming and this may have been the last year I let them play.
Most of the time the parents are pretty cool, but IMHO, it only takes 1 or 2 to screw it up. Stalking the sidelines, yelling at the kids!!! Makes me really upset.
Now, I really appreciate all the volenteering that goes into AYSO, but this season, I had to pull my Son out of a couple of practices because of one of our coaches.
In the early Fall when the season starts up here in the AV it can still be HOT @ 90+. We have over zealous coaches making 8 year olds that have been at school all day run a mile in the heat and then practice for 2 hours after that.
This is crazy IMHO.
I have great memories of playing baseball and football when I was a kid, but I'm wondering if it is really worth it.

uclahater
12-11-2003, 04:55 PM
Originally posted by SoCal_fun
I have a daughter 7 and my Son is 8 1/2. They both have been playing soccer up here in Quartz Hill. It hasn't been too bad, but I can see the changes coming and this may have been the last year I let them play.
Most of the time the parents are pretty cool, but IMHO, it only takes 1 or 2 to screw it up. Stalking the sidelines, yelling at the kids!!! Makes me really upset.
Now, I really appreciate all the volenteering that goes into AYSO, but this season, I had to pull my Son out of a couple of practices because of one of our coaches.
In the early Fall when the season starts up here in the AV it can still be HOT @ 90+. We have over zealous coaches making 8 year olds that have been at school all day run a mile in the heat and then practice for 2 hours after that.
This is crazy IMHO.
So should the coach cancel every practice when its over 90 degres outside from where you live that would be a lot of practices. Maybe you should wait to put your kid in sports till they can handle it
I have great memories of playing baseball and football when I was a kid, but I'm wondering if it is really worth it. :confused:

NoCal NoBoat
12-11-2003, 05:33 PM
I've coached AYSO girls soccer for nine years. Board member for seven. I've seen more drama from the adult board members in the past month than I saw from my 17 U16/19 girl players the whole fall season.
hd & boat rider - excellent post. Our region is not perfect, but our recreational program does a very good job of policing itself.
You'd think (and hope) that the parents of the kids who play at the club or travel level would become more seasoned and knowledgable supporters of their kid's teams, but as I travel (select tournaments), it seems that as the investment grows - so does the stress and expectations.
The Bay Area has been identified as a soccer hot-spot, especially for women players. Our local paper did a story last year about players who passed on the opportunity to play for their high schools in favor of playing for their club team. Why ? The college programs scout the club teams before the high school teams. I'm old school - I remember when playing for your high school had a certain prestige and honor. The whole thing read kind of sad for me.
SoCalFun & uclahater - I've heard that a World Cup halfback will run 6 miles during a match - but I think it's insane to run 7 & 8 year olds that far in summer heat. If I saw that, I'd quietly take the coach aside and "mentor" him. Better to put those kids in drills and have them run with a ball on their foot - teach multiple skills at once for short periods of time. Take frequent water breaks - teaching them another important concept - proper hydration.
JBR - our region hosts the VIP program in central Contra Costa County. Our best game this year was against the VIP Seniors.
They also play Special Olympics - finished second last tournament playing against all-adult team. Very well-played match on both sides of the ball. Props to your sister and bro-in-law...

Coach
12-11-2003, 07:21 PM
Great post. As a younger coach with a young daughter I am very discouraged by the emphasis on sports being put on youngsters today. The year around baseball, soccer, basketball, softball, etc has gotten to be so out of control it has ruined the game for many kids. I can't believe all of the leagues that play on Sundays. I constantly hear people tell me if you want you kid to play in high school then they have to play at this level all the time. Thank God for Football. I know the whole Pop Warner deal, but lets face it the one sport kids don't play a lot of or can't play year around is Football. Most kids don't start playing until High School. That will not help me with my daughter who I hope will play sports (her mother was a college athlete, VB and Basketball). Parents are think they are doing everything for there kid but end up making a kid hate the sport. I guess I was lucky my parents didn't push anything on me when I was young but I learned to love the sports on my own. I was lucky enough to play 8 years of football and now coach for another 10 and I didn't start until high school. I was able to wrestle in HS and coach wrestling for 4 years. I was able to throw in track and field for 2 years and coach it now 9 years. I played youth soccer for 8 years and coached it for a year.
By having a parents meeting which their son or daughter can't play unless one parent attends is a great idea. I actually want to do that this year with our HS football team. It just puts everyone on the same page and gives the parents and opportunity to fine out more about the coach and why they do things a certain way. In Florida all parents in a youth program must attend a sportsmanship meeting before their kid can play. They must sign a contract and if they break the contract the kid and parents are removed from the league. Stiff penalty for being an ass ho*e parent.
I wish there was an easy solution to this growing problem with youth sports, but with all the college scholarships and potential to make millions out there many parents with do and try anything to live though their kid. Sad state of affairs. I really think the only solution is a National or State governing board that sets regulations and can penalize youth programs. It could set the time of the year sports can be played. Much like a CIF for youth sports.

sandblasted
12-11-2003, 08:27 PM
You guys touch on alot of the same issues I have encountered as a parent, assistant coach and head coach in youth sports. Last year I coached a U12 girls soccer team for Quartz Hill AYSO. I have assisted coached several times and found alot of things I didn't like..I'd complain to my wife and she told me to put my money where mouth was so I volunteered to head coach...what an eye opener....
I'm not sure who is ruining youth sports more, the parents or some of the self serving coaches and board members who let their egos get in the way of common sense. I could list all kinds of crap that I have seen in the last 6 years....but it would be a long post...
Seems to me too many "adults' have forgotten that youth sports is for the kids, not us.

hd&boatrider
12-11-2003, 09:01 PM
I am glad that I brought out some passion in you guys. You all sound like parents I would have wanted associated with the teams I was involved with in the past. Good to read all of your input/opinions.

gigamurph
12-11-2003, 11:24 PM
You sound like the right guy for the position! I took the same approach with the parents and, while we didn't win alot of games and we didn't always see eye to eye on some of the things that occurred on the field, we knew where everyone stood. I had my problem parents but I never let them influence my decisions as far as the kids were concerned. The main thing that I attempted to instill in the kids was that if you go out to do something, give it 100%; and that that didn't always mean that you would win a game, get a hit, score a goal, or whatever. I just wanted them to know that if they did everything within their limits to succeed, they'd never have anything to be ashamed of or sad about and should never question their efforts if they indeed did try the best of their abiltities. Had many parents come to me when I announced that I would not be coaching anymore and ask me to reconsider and that they were proud of what we had accomplished with their children and said that they would not have wanted anyone else coaching their kids at that time in their lives. Now that was a reward that I carry with me always! Now high school baseball, which I have coached, or any other high school sport is indeed a TOTALLY diferent animal!
Good jod hd&boatrider and keep fightin' the good battle! Lord knows that the kids could use more coaches like yourself! :)

SoCal_fun
12-12-2003, 12:29 AM
Originally posted by uclahater
:confused:
uclahater, Which part didn't you get?
I tried to get my point across, but if I didn't then here's another shot at it.
I want my kids to play sports (if they want to) because it is fun. I personally could care less if they are winning every game.
I wish more parents would just let the kids play and have fun instead of pushing them so hard and yelling at them for not being the best.
I know I'm probably not in the majority here, but that's my way of thinking.

hd&boatrider
12-12-2003, 08:57 AM
Originally posted by gigamurph
You sound like the right guy for the position! I took the same approach with the parents and, while we didn't win alot of games and we didn't always see eye to eye on some of the things that occurred on the field, we knew where everyone stood. I had my problem parents but I never let them influence my decisions as far as the kids were concerned. The main thing that I attempted to instill in the kids was that if you go out to do something, give it 100%; and that that didn't always mean that you would win a game, get a hit, score a goal, or whatever. I just wanted them to know that if they did everything within their limits to succeed, they'd never have anything to be ashamed of or sad about and should never question their efforts if they indeed did try the best of their abiltities. Had many parents come to me when I announced that I would not be coaching anymore and ask me to reconsider and that they were proud of what we had accomplished with their children and said that they would not have wanted anyone else coaching their kids at that time in their lives. Now that was a reward that I carry with me always! Now high school baseball, which I have coached, or any other high school sport is indeed a TOTALLY diferent animal!
Good jod hd&boatrider and keep fightin' the good battle! Lord knows that the kids could use more coaches like yourself! :)
Thanks Gig....I appreciate it. You sound like you had it right when you coached also. By the way....I am not coaching anymore these days because my son is thru all of that. Later

uclahater
12-12-2003, 11:02 AM
Originally posted by SoCal_fun
uclahater, Which part didn't you get?
I tried to get my point across, but if I didn't then here's another shot at it.
I want my kids to play sports (if they want to) because it is fun. I personally could care less if they are winning every game.
I wish more parents would just let the kids play and have fun instead of pushing them so hard and yelling at them for not being the best.
I know I'm probably not in the majority here, but that's my way of thinking.
So Cal I have coaced many sports for the last 10 years. about 30% of the kids out there are there because of there parents not because they want to:D Sports can still be fun and taken serious at the same time. Makes it really hard when 2 to 3 of your players never show up but expect to play. as a coach your trying to make these kids have fun and at the same time learn the game and improve as a Team. Its hard to Improve as a team when the same kids dont show up. Is that fair to the other kids that work hard:cool:

Forkin' Crazy
12-12-2003, 11:15 AM
Originally posted by SoCal_fun
uclahater, Which part didn't you get?
I tried to get my point across, but if I didn't then here's another shot at it.
I want my kids to play sports (if they want to) because it is fun. I personally could care less if they are winning every game.
I wish more parents would just let the kids play and have fun instead of pushing them so hard and yelling at them for not being the best.
I know I'm probably not in the majority here, but that's my way of thinking.
Yea, what you said!
I was forced to play baseball and basket ball when I was young. I hated it and really don't like sports that take only one ball...:eek!: If he (Dad) would have only taken me to the races or something different...but....
I did learn something from this: If my son wants to play, I let him. If he does not, that is fine too. We do go to races and other events too. I want him to do it b/c he wants to.
I do support my son in sports. I love going to his T ball and now base ball games. The T ball games are super funny!!! I love to watch the little kids running around, IE one small boy hit the ball and ran to first and then straight into the dugout!!!Too funny!!:D :D
I despise the parents who are too gung hoe (sp?). It is only a game and it is so the kids can have fun and lean to react with other kids and learn about rules.
Last game I went to was a soccer game. I took my Mom and my son with me. The X bitch and her mom sat behind us..... Damn bitch was yelling and shit. So loud it hurt my ears. I finally asked her if she wanted to shit where I was so the kids could hear her better!!! Went over like a fart in church, but anyway. When they were taking a break, she went up to my son and told him how to play.... this really pissed me off b/c that is the coaches job. I later expained that to my son that this was wrong and he agreed.
Kinda funny, the 7 yr old havng more sense than his mother....:mad:

eliminatedsprinter
12-12-2003, 11:28 AM
When I coach I seldom even use the word winning. I don't talk about it at all to kids or even world class athletes. I only stress stratigy, preperation, improvemt, and developing the skills needed to perform well, etc.. I was trained in the Wooden method, which stresses that " winning is a byproduct of excellence". All I do is attempt to make the team and it's individual players as good as they can be and the winning will or will not come about as a result. Aferall, if a player is thinking about winning (an end result) then he or she is not fully focused on the more immediate task at hand. Which is either playing or training. Telling an athlete to go out and win is useless and only adds pressure and distraction, which usually harms performance and is counterproductive at all levels.

hd&boatrider
12-12-2003, 12:58 PM
Originally posted by eliminatedsprinter
When I coach I seldom even use the word winning. I don't talk about it at all to kids or even world class athletes. I only stress stratigy, preperation, improvemt, and developing the skills needed to perform well, etc.. I was trained in the Wooden method, which stresses that " winning is a byproduct of excellence". All I do is attempt to make the team and it's individual players as good as they can be and the winning will or will not come about as a result. Aferall, if a player is thinking about winning (an end result) then he or she is not fully focused on the more immediate task at hand. Which is either playing or training. Telling an athlete to go out and win is useless and only adds pressure and distraction, which usually harms performance and is counterproductive at all levels.
I agree with you but in reality how many rec league or travel team coaches are taught to coach let alone taught the "Wooden Method". Most get involved simply because their kid is playing and they want to be involved.

bohica
12-12-2003, 01:58 PM
My dad coached youth football for 20 plus years and at the first parents meeting before each season he would tell them this -
"Youv'e all heard the expression it's not weather you win or lose, as long as your having fun. That's bullshit, losing isn't fun, and we're out here to win. Anyone with a problem with that can take your kids a leave."
Over the years he had some pissed off parents, but most accepted his way. I think in the 20 plus years they only lost 6 games. I think it was 14 conference championships in JAAF.

SoCal_fun
12-12-2003, 01:59 PM
Originally posted by uclahater
So Cal I have coaced many sports for the last 10 years. about 30% of the kids out there are there because of there parents not because they want to:D Sports can still be fun and taken serious at the same time. Makes it really hard when 2 to 3 of your players never show up but expect to play. as a coach your trying to make these kids have fun and at the same time learn the game and improve as a Team. Its hard to Improve as a team when the same kids dont show up. Is that fair to the other kids that work hard:cool:
Maybe you mistook my pulling my Son out of practice comment as I don't show up for practice. Two different things in my mind. :) :)
I not only have my kids there when they are supposed to be there, let me just say that my Wife (who works 30 miles away) and myself (who works graveyard 60 miles away) were just about the only parents that ever stayed at the practice, or even showed up. Look, I pulled my Son out because I didn't want to see my 8 year old running laps in 95 degree weather after being at school all day.
Maybe I am too soft :rolleyes: , but I don't see why 8 year olds need that kind of exercise/punishment on there developing bodies. :confused:
Remember, this is rec leauge, not highschool or travel ball.
Anyway, It's just my feelings on the matter. I am a Motorsports nut and not a huge stick and ball fan anyway, so to me it is not an obsession for them to play, just a good way to have some fun and learn to deal with other kids in that kind of situation.
Hope that was clear.
:)

SoCal_fun
12-12-2003, 02:01 PM
Originally posted by Forkin' Crazy
Yea, what you said!
I was forced to play baseball and basket ball when I was young. I hated it and really don't like sports that take only one ball...:eek!: If he (Dad) would have only taken me to the races or something different...but....
I did learn something from this: If my son wants to play, I let him. If he does not, that is fine too. We do go to races and other events too. I want him to do it b/c he wants to.
I do support my son in sports. I love going to his T ball and now base ball games. The T ball games are super funny!!! I love to watch the little kids running around, IE one small boy hit the ball and ran to first and then straight into the dugout!!!Too funny!!:D :D
I despise the parents who are too gung hoe (sp?). It is only a game and it is so the kids can have fun and lean to react with other kids and learn about rules.
Last game I went to was a soccer game. I took my Mom and my son with me. The X bitch and her mom sat behind us..... Damn bitch was yelling and shit. So loud it hurt my ears. I finally asked her if she wanted to shit where I was so the kids could hear her better!!! Went over like a fart in church, but anyway. When they were taking a break, she went up to my son and told him how to play.... this really pissed me off b/c that is the coaches job. I later expained that to my son that this was wrong and he agreed.
Kinda funny, the 7 yr old havng more sense than his mother....:mad:
Thanks for the support Forkin!!! :D :D
Back at ya!
:cool: :cool:

SoCal_fun
12-12-2003, 02:06 PM
Originally posted by JetBoatRich
Totally agree Tom:o
**HIGHJACK** :o
JetBoatRich,
How'd ya like that freeze we got last night!!!
Burrrr.. Snow on the foothills and ice puddles up here next to QH.
:eek:
Are you Winterized, or do you go the light bulb method?

JetBoatRich
12-12-2003, 02:15 PM
Boat is in the garage with a blanket;) Never had a problem. It was 27 when I took my daughter to school BRRRRRRRRR. The Mountains look awesome with the snow:cool:
have to meet up sometime

eliminatedsprinter
12-12-2003, 04:41 PM
Originally posted by hd&boatrider
I agree with you but in reality how many rec league or travel team coaches are taught to coach let alone taught the "Wooden Method". Most get involved simply because their kid is playing and they want to be involved.
And that is a big part of the problem. The result is a wide dispairity in the quality of youth coaches.

sandblasted
12-12-2003, 07:02 PM
Originally posted by eliminatedsprinter
And that is a big part of the problem. The result is a wide dispairity in the quality of youth coaches.
Probably always will be a problem because youth sports rely totally on volunteers. What sucks is when someone volunteers who does not really know the sport or thinks they know it all...
with the internet there is a wealth of knowledge out there for people who want to coach and need some help...The most important thing is learning how to deal with the kids and the parents....alot of it is just all around people skills..

riverdog
12-12-2003, 08:00 PM
Having played organized sports for 36 of my 43 years, I think the lessons we learn in sports are the building blocks for a successful life. Dedication, teamwork, discipline, self-control, perseverance, winning AND losing are all the foundation for a successful life. It applies if we are Parenting or we are a CEO for a fortune 500 company. As for the parent that lives their sports fantasies through their kids, a hockey buddy of mine handles it the best I've seen. He coaches a rec hockey team in OC. He play's to win and everybody plays. 3 weeks into the season it is mandatory that all of the parents lace up the skates and play a full lenght, full contact scrimmage against the kids. He has NO problems with daddy coaches.
Just my .02

SoCal_fun
12-13-2003, 03:21 AM
Originally posted by JetBoatRich
Boat is in the garage with a blanket;) Never had a problem. It was 27 when I took my daughter to school BRRRRRRRRR. The Mountains look awesome with the snow:cool:
have to meet up sometime
Got any room?? j/k :D I've got a huge parking area, but it's all outside (slab).
Hooking up would be cool! I'm not sure how my ride would fit in with you guys, as it is not technically a HOT BOAT (Custom).
Would I have to keep like 20 paces behind the big dogs....or just buy the first few brews? :D
Yea, I take the kids to school/picl them up on Thursday and Friday and it was cold. We could see our breath inside the truck as we took off. :(

SoCal_fun
12-13-2003, 03:29 AM
Originally posted by sandblasted
Probably always will be a problem because youth sports rely totally on volunteers. What sucks is when someone volunteers who does not really know the sport or thinks they know it all...
with the internet there is a wealth of knowledge out there for people who want to coach and need some help...The most important thing is learning how to deal with the kids and the parents....alot of it is just all around people skills..
Sandblasted and all Volunteers,
I just wanted to make one more thing clear. I really appreciate all the 'GOOD' coaches and people who volunteer their time to work with our kids and help them develop. This is not an easy job by any means, and it is one that often goes unrewarded.
I'm sure that the majority of the people coaching/organizing have the right reasons and the right attitudes, but the bad ones are out there and can mess up things if not watched by the parents.
My .02 cents worth.

JetBoatRich
12-13-2003, 08:08 AM
SoCal_fun
Sent you a PM
By the way as long as you are on the water and enjoying life, you are more than welcome with us.:D