Post Your Best Lawyer Joke

[Laveyman]

Since ssmike brought it up, let's hear your best lawyer jokes. Not picking on ya ssmike, just bored and stirin' the pot a bit. Just to be fair, next week we can do cop jokes! :D
Here's mine:
What's the difference between a carp and an attorney?
One of them is a scum-sucking bottom-dweller, and the other is a fish! :eek:

[Laveyman]

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.

[Laveyman]

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck".
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer. Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

[Laveyman]

Lawyers and the "truth"
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”
The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

[OkieDave]

99 per cent of all lawyers give the rest of them a bad reputation.

[Laveyman]

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

[ssmike]

One of my favorites:
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
:D :D

[Laveyman]

A groaner...
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed.
When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, the lawyer was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there.
“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
“What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

[HM]

A man goes to a bar after having a tough week. He was sued by his ex-wife, sued by his neighbor, and sued by his business partner, all of which left him broke. He took his last few dollars and order a few shots. After his last shot, he exclaimed at the top of his lungs, "All lawyers are ASSHOLES!!!"
A drunk at the end of the bar speaks up and says "I am offended by your comment!"
The man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"
The drunk says, "no, I am an asshole."

[HM]

Originally posted by riodog
DAH, these are JOKES?
Riodog:D
RIO - just like you see in the restroom, while you look up here, the real joke is in your hand!
Oh wait, that wasn't a lawyer joke. My bad.:D Since I veered off of lawyer jokes, here is another...
RioDog and RD are hanging out at RD's riverhouse watching a new porno. When the porno is done, Rio turns to RD and says, man, that was a HOT porno, and now I am so horny that I need to just fock something! RD says he feeling the same way. Rio asks RD "Hey RD, man, I gotta bang something, would you mind if I broke in off in your ass? no one would know - it would just be between you and me." RD says," you know what, I am just horny enough to go for that!!" So Rio gets behind RD and starts pumping away. Rio leans over and starts nibbling on RD's ear. RD yells "HEY!! None of that queer shit!!!"

[HighRoller]

You know what the difference is between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There's skidmarks before the dog.
What do you call a plane full of lawyers crashing?
A good start.
What do you call an empty seat on the plane?
A tragedy.

[XTRM22]

What do you call a Lawyer up to his neck in sand?
Shortage of Sand!:D
Chuck

[XTRM22]

A young boy was standing with his father in shopping mall when the boy began choking on a quarter he had been playing with. All efforts to free the quarter were failing including the heimlich maneuver, the boy was turning blue when a woman charge out of a cafe, hearing that the child had swallowed a quarter. She grabbed the young man by his testicles and squeezed until he coughed out the quarter. The father asked her if she was a doctor, "nope" she replied, "Divorce attorney, I do it all the time"
That one was just for you LaveyMan! ;)
Chuck

[brianwhiteboy]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 10?
Judge......

[Laveyman]

Originally posted by XTRM22
A young boy was standing with his father in shopping mall when the boy began choking on a quarter he had been playing with. All efforts to free the quarter were failing including the heimlich maneuver, the boy was turning blue when a woman charge out of a cafe, hearing that the child had swallowed a quarter. She grabbed the young man by his testicles and squeezed until he coughed out the quarter. The father asked her if she was a doctor, "nope" she replied, "Divorce attorney, I do it all the time"
That one was just for you LaveyMan! ;)
Chuck
I knew I could count on ya amigo! The sad thing is, that hit too close to home to be too funny! :D

[mickeyfinn]

What do lawyers use for Birth Control?
Their Personality

[sidewound]

OK Here goes.
Two lawyers decide to take a weekend cruise on their yacht.
With party supplies up the yang they set out for a small island loaded with beautiful babes. Ritzy palce ya know.
Unfortunatly a bad storm came up and after several days adrift in stormy seas, the boat split up and eventually they are washed up on the shore of a deserted desert island. (Not Gilligans)
Close to two years pass and no sigh of rescue.
One day they were walking together along the shore when the spotted a body that had washed ashore. It was lying face down so the first lawyer used his foot and rolled over the corpse.
The second lawyer then remarked " Hey it's a woman! She doesn't look too bad. Maybe like she just fell off a cruise ship or somthin. Ya wanna **** her?"
To which the first lawyer asked "Out of what?"
Peace Man!
:cool:
CESAR

[sidewound]

WOW! 243 views and no response. My joke musta SUCKED!!!!
Peace Man!:cool:
CESAR

[manuel]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his
colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close
to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of
the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed
911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman
pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any
questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was
now completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop
shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe
how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Good grief man, don't you even realize
that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the
truck hit you!!!"
"Oh my!" screamed the lawyer, looking down at his missing
arm. "Where's my Rolex?"

[MagicMtnDan]

A doctor and a lawyer got into a car accident, on a small country road. The lawyer had figured that nobody else would be on the road, and had raced through a stop sign. The doctor, on a cross street, had no time to react and couldn't have missed the lawyer if he had tried. Fortunately, neither driver was hurt.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from his battered car and offered him a drink from a hip flask.The doctor accepted, took a deep drink, and handed the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer held the flask for a minute or two, and gave it to the doctor again. The doctor took another swig. He again returned the flask to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Not now," answered the lawyer. "I'll have something after the police leave."

[MagicMtnDan]

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.

[MagicMtnDan]

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send a bill for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his office and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill. That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

[MagicMtnDan]

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

[126driver]

A guy needs to talk to his attorney. He calls the law firm and asks to speak with his attorney, John Ryan. The receptionist replies, "I'm terribly sorry to tell you, but Mr. Ryan died this past weekend." The guy hangs up, only to call again the next day asking the speak to John Ryan. The receptionist again tells him that she's sorry, but Mr. Ryan passed away. This goes on for several more days, the guy calling asking to speak to his now-deceased attorney. Finally, the receptionist can't take it anymore and snaps at the guy: "Don't you get it? Mr. Ryan is dead! Why do you keep calling?" To which the guy replies, "I just like hearing it." :rolleyes: