Jack Handey

[cal-air]

"If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted."

[cal-air]

"People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair."

[Ultra5150]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

[Tom Brown]

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."

[Tom Brown]

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""

[Tom Brown]

"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."

[Tom Brown]

My personal favorite:
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

[cal-air]

"Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one."

[cal-air]

"I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, 'Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you.' So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex."

[LASERRAY]

Originally posted by Tom Brown
"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact." Now That's Funny!:D

[Froggystyle]

"To me, boxing is a lot like ballet dancing. Except there is no choreography, no music, and the dancers hit each other..."

[cal-air]

"I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography."

[Froggystyle]

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people...
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake...
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves...
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way...
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk...
And this one is for Jordy...
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). ..

[cal-air]

"I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president."

[cal-air]

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."