Jokes Needed!!!

[RiverKitty]

Got Any???
Doesn't have to be clean, but nothing too vulgar either! ;)

[BIGAMIST]

Do you know what was missing @ The Million Man March?
A couple thousand feet of chain & a auctioneer:D

[FryJet]

Her you go.
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock the shit out of you.'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the comedian. The polack retorted, ''I was talking to little asshole on your knee."
F.J.

[FMluvswater]

I heard one today. :)
Did you hear about the midget woman whose husband is over 6 feet tall? When asked if she worries he'll cheat on her with a taller woman she laughs and says, "Nahh he's nuts over me!" :D

[Mandelon]

Just give em this!!!!!:D :D
http://www.***boat.com/image_center/data/520/24414KittyKisses.jpg

[comin' unscrewed]

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

[LaveyJet]

Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve? - Christopher Walken

[4day!!]

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender replies to the man, "Wow, that's realy bitchin'. Where did you get that?"
"Baah, Africa" (in your best parrot imitation)
*****************************************
A blonde girl comes home from school and says "mommy, mommy i got the highest score on the math test today. Is that because i'm blonde?"
Mom- "Yes honey , because your blonde"
The next day the girl comes home. "mommy, mommy i got the farthest on the spelling bee today. Is that beacuse i'm blonde"
Mom- "yes honey , because your blonde"
On the next day the girl comes home. "Mommy, mommy at school today in the locker room i had the biggest boobs out of all the girls. Is that becuase i'm blonde?
Mom - "no honey, it's because your 32"

[mickeyfinn]

you know why they didn't have any trouble getting all the people for the million man march?
None of them had to work the next day.

[Blown 472]

What kinda bees have milk??
boobies.

[repo man]

it aint the lenght or the girth but what it's worth that makes the women cum.:eek:

[BUSTI]

What did the doctor say to the senior citizen? No Mrs. wilson I SAID I want to listen to your heart ...as he held his nose.

[jlnorthrup122]

Three roofaers are sittin on a roof during lunch! ONe white one black and one Pollack! the white guy pulls out a hamburger from his lunchpale, the black guy pulls out a rib saminch from his lunchpale and the pollack pulls out a peanut and butter saminch from his lunchpale an replies (polack accent) If I GET ANOTHER ONE OF THESE PEANUT BUTTER SAMINCH FOR LUNCH AGAIN I will jump rite off the roof!
The next day's lunch comes around and the white guys has a hamber the black guy gets another rib saminch the pollack pulls out another peanut butter and jelly saminch and jumps rite off the roof! The black guy looks at the white guy and says I don't know what his problem is he makes his own lunch!!!:D :D

[jlnorthrup122]

How many real men does it take to open a can of beer? None the waman better have it open by the time he gets it to me!!!:D :D Iknow that was bad!
How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1 but it takes a whole surgical team to remove it!!:D :D

[BUSTI]

This truck driver came into the bar and asked the bar keep for a beer and if they had any hookers there fo sale. The bartender replied...no we dont have any girlS for sale here but we do have beer...and he delivered the truck driver his beer.
After several more beers the truck driver asked hey are you sure there arent any hookers far rent here? I AM REAL HORNY!
The bartender leaned over and whispered ...look there aren't any hookers here but for $150.00 you can screw that old chinaman, Ol wong, in the ass washing dishes over there!
The truck driver insulted at the suggestion said hell no I DONT GO FOR THAT SHIT!
About and hour and half later the truck driver summoned the barkeep over and said ya know I'm not saying I go for that shit but why does it cost $150.00 to screw that old chinaman in the ass?
The bartender replied well $50 bucks is for me and $50 bucks is for the chinaman Ol Wong.
The truck driver does the math quickly and says ...hey there is $50 bucks left over what the hell is that for?
The bartender replies well its for the bus boy!
The truck driver says why $50 bucks for the bus boy?
The barkeep says in reply WELL HE GETS $50 BUCKS TO HOLD OL WONG DOWN CUZ OL WONG DON'T GO FOR THAT SHIT EITHER!

[twistedpair]

So this baby seal walks into a club............

[jlnorthrup122]

Well lets say you an me were farmers and neighbors to boot! One day my rooster wounders under the fence into your yard an gets his foot stuck in your donkey! What do we got?
Well we got a foot of my cock in your ass!!!!:D :D :p

[shockwaveharry]

A horse walks into the corner bar and and orders up an ice cold Bud Light. The bartender serves him and asks "Hay buddy, why the long face?" :D http://www.kzsn.com/images/beer_4_my_horse/beer_4_horse_05.jpg

[AleAlchemist]

You Know I was never very Athletic in hIgh Scool,
But During my last physical The doctor told me I had
Athletes Feet!:D

[brianwhiteboy]

What do a dick and a rubik's cube have in common?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.....:eek:

[shockwaveharry]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having
adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says,
"Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's
not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative
enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine.":D

[FMluvswater]

What does a man with a vasectomy and a Navel orange have in common?
They're both all juice and seedless!

[Tom Brown]

There's no need to remember a bunch of jokes, RK. Just curse a lot. People love that shit.

[j-rod]

an elderly man goes to the doctor for a physical, the doctor says o.k. sir I'll need a urine, seman and a feces sample..The elderly repelies" will my underwear do ?" :D

[repo man]

what's better than getting a gold metal in the special olimpics?
not being retarded:eek!:

[ahhell]

Whats the differance between a gold fish and a mountain goat?
one of them spends the day mucking around the fountain.....:cry:

[OutCole'd]

Why do Italian men wear gold chains?
To know where to stop shaving....

[Cheap Thrills]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then he went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
C.T. :wink:

[Force 26 Kachina]

Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference."
The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?""Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.

[RiverKitty]

:D

[Fiat48]

Colonoscopy humor:
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[JetBoatRich]

Subject: Human mind
cazry pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can be a total mses
and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?

[JetBoatRich]

Lifesavers
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the blindfolded children the same
kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color
and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red................... cherry."
"Yellow................ lemon."
"Green................. lime."
"Orange................ orange." Finally, the professor gave them all
honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children
could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's
what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl jerked up
in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out! They're assholes!!!!!!!!!!!"

[ITS ALL GOOD]

A PENGUIN IS DRIVING AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HIS A/C STOPS BLOWING COLD, HE PULLS INTO THE REPAIR STATION AND ASKED THE MECHANIC TO CHECK IT OUT, THE MECHANIC SAYS IT WILL BE ABOUT 2 HOURS, SO THE PENGUIN WALKS NEXT DOOR TO THE SUPERMARKET AND HOPS INTO THE ICE CREAM FREEZER AND EATS SOME ICE CREAM , AFTER 2 HOURS HE GOES BACK TO THE GARAGE AND THE MECHANIC SAYS " IT LOOKS LIKE YOU BLEW A SEAL." AND THE PENGUIN REPLYS " NO THAT'S JUST VANILLA ICE CREAM".

[Ken F]

An elderly couple took a drive one Sunday afternoon from Missouri down into Arkansas. After awhile, they got stopped by a Ark.Hiway Patrol. When he arrives at the car window, he asks for the old mans DL, rigistration, and Insurence card.
The old lady says in a loud voice:
WHAT'd HE SAY?
The old man turns to her and says:
He wants to see my DL & registration.
She replys: OH
The cop says "I see you are from Missouri"
WHAT'd HE SAY???
He noticed we are from Missouri.
OH
Next the cop says he stopped them because they have a brakelight out.
WHAT'd HE SAY???
He says we have a brake light out.
OH
The cop leans down to the old man and says softly, you know I think the worst piece of ass I ever had was in Missouri
WHAT'd HE SAY???
He thinks he knows you.
Good luck with the new job!!!!!
Ken F

[HighRoller]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead!
Sounds stupid, but guaranteed to get a good laugh:rolleyes:

[Dr. Eagle]

Originally posted by JetBoatRich
Subject: Human mind
cazry pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can be a total mses
and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?
Danm Rcih, You Kown how to cuase brian dmagae....:confused:

[DrewDown]

What did one sagy boob say to the other sagy boob?
We better get a lift job quick before people think were nutts.

[HighRoller]

I thnik I got Dain Bramage form that lsat post!

[Kim Hanson]

Gay baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, twenty-three of which are crying and
screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays delight, she points out the happy child
as theirs. Isn't it wonderful Brad exclaims. All these
unhappy children, and ours is so happy.?
The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier
out of his ass."
..............( . )( . ).......:eek:

[Kim Hanson]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father
died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty
took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man " he said,
walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father
will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman
went home with Charles, and the next day she became his
stepmother ! (When will guys EVER learn!)
...........( . )( . ).......
:p

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

there was a prirate who walked into a bar.
wearing an eyepatch and a wooden leg. with a stearing wheel in his pants.
the bar tender looked at the priate and said " hey man, do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
the pirate said " arge , yes me lad. It is drivin me nutts."
:D :D

[FMluvswater]

2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "Who is driving this thing?" :rolleyes: :D