Friday's Funnies

[Liberator TJ1984]

Lets get 'em goin'
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years
ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You
know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
:eek:

[ITSALLGOOD69]

There was this little boy about 12 years old
> walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened
> frog on a string behind him.
>
> He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute
> and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
> she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>
> He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
> I have the money to buy it,and I'm not leaving until I get it,"
> The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
>
> Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
> He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
> Of course the Madam said no.
>
> He said, "I heard all the men talking about having
> to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I
>want."
>
> Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay
> for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
> He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
>
> Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog,
> paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
> him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place
> with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
>
> He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,
> my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me
> at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter
> will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
> fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I
> just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take
> the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's
> bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
> home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed
> and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
> Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a
> quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
> son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.":D :D :D :D

[Kilrtoy]

The second one is cute

[FMluvswater]

Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Lucky goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.
After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."
"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the john door open!"

[FMluvswater]

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor.
After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start".
The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry",
said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job". The man left with no hope at all.
He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$.
The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.
Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft."

[FMluvswater]

:rolleyes: So bad I laughed. :o
Let's get kinky!
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out
'Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!'
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity but obviously not having any whips on hand, opens the window and in a flash of inspiration snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks
'Did you get these marks having sex?'
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims,
'I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.'

[JetBoatRich]

Two families move from Iraq to America.
When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time,
whichever family has become more American will win.
A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My son's playing
baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case
of Bud for tonight.
How about you?"
The second guy says, "**** you, towelhead!"

[FMluvswater]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes and, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
- A self-induced hangover - $100.00
- Broken furniture - $200.00
- Breakfast - $10.00
- Saying the right thing - priceless