Jokes

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

The long way home.
Two sperm are swimming in a woman's boby. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion. "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says. "The uterus!" The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

shot to the heart.
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her dr. to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman, "the dr. said,"Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[MRS FLYIN VEE]

Heaven and Hell!
Jamie and Bob were inseperable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When Jamie woke up in heaven, he began to look for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distrought, he ran to St. Peter and said. " St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St.Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to heaven."
This upset jamie so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and Jamie saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
Jamie looked at Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure O'm in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "Looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman?
she doesn't!"

[Some Kind Of Monster]

6 Corporate Lessons:
Corporate Lesson #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in
a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but
excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
************************************************** ****************************
Corporate Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look
and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and
went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
************************************************** **************************************
Corporate Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking
to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
piña coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
************************************************** *************************
Corporate Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the
crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
************************************************** ****************************
Corporate Lesson #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon
he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
************************************************** ****************************
Corporate Lesson #6
In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the
fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing
it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun
comes up, you had better be hauling ass.