Buckwheat Has Been Shot !

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ANNOUNCER:
Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. Brought to you by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow.
TED KOPPEL:
Good evening, I'm Ted Koppel. Surely everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, let's take a look.
Cut to videotape footage.
BUCKWHEAT:
I lub loo, I lub loo, I lub loo. Oh, bootiful.
VOICE: (off-camera)
Hey, Mister Wheat!
BUCKWHEAT:
Yes?
Five gunshots are heard. Women can be heard screaming.
BUCKWHEAT GUARD:
...over by the wall...
Cut to videotape of various funeral and memorial services, featuring parades and appearances from Nixon, Ford, Kissinger, Nancy Reagan, and Princess Diana.
TED KOPPEL: (voice-over)
Buckwheat was buried today and the entire world mourned. World leaders gathered to offer a final tribute. We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.
Cut to shot of a memorial service, featuring countless people holding candles. The chyron underneath reads BUCKWHEAT: THE MOMENT OF SILENCE. After a split second, the announcer is heard.
ANNOUNCER:
This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow.
TED KOPPEL:
Police have now identified Buckwheat's assailant. He is this man, twenty-seven-year-old John David Stutts, described by those who know him as "a loner." We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Let's go there live.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Oh, it's good to see you all.
GUARD:
All right, folks. (motions people out of Stutts' way)
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Hi, I killed Buckwheat. So good to... I have a question for the American public. Uh, when you dream, do you dream in color or black-and-white, 'cause I dream in black-and-white. And last evening, I had a dream about lime Jell-O. I didn't know what flavor it was, because it was gray. Then I tasted it, and I realized it was lime, it was definitely lime.
REPORTER:
Mister Stutts, sir, did you kill Buckwheat?
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Sure.
REPORTER:
Do you realize that you could face the death penalty?
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
I don't care, sir.
REPORTER:
Why'd you kill him, Mister Stutts?
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the anti-Christ.
REPORTER:
What's the name of your dog, Mister Stutts?
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Uh, his name is Petey, he's a Dalmatian.
REPORTER:
A Dalmatian? Spotted Dalmatian?
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
I named him, I named him after, after the dog on the, the Our Gang Follies. His name is Petey.
TED KOPPEL:
In just a moment, John David Stutts will face arraignment on charges of murder. Why did Stutts do it? We've asked noted criminal psychiatrist Doctor Irwin Fletcher for his expert opinion. Welcome, Doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutts commit such a crime?
DR. IRWIN FLETCHER:
Publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that if he kills someone famous, he'll become famous himself. And, unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities.
TED KOPPEL:
Thank you, Doctor. Let's take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat, John David Stutts.
ANNOUNCER:
John David Stutts: The man behind the gun. Brought to you by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow.
Fade out, then into photos from Stutts' childhood days.
TED KOPPEL: (voice-over)
John David Stutts spent his childhood here, in this modest home in Lima, Ohio. Everyone who knew him called him a loner, a quiet young man. Stutts attended Sunday school at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.
MERCY SEAT BAPTIST CHURCH PASTOR:
He was a loner, and a quiet young man. He attended church, and Sunday school. I remember he was always very polite.
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
MERCY SEAT BAPTIST CHURCH PASTOR: (without hesitation)
Oh, yes. Definitely. That's all he talked about.
TED KOPPEL: (voice-over)
John David Stutts graduated from Unionville High School. His classmates called him "The Loner." Stutts was a member of the Key Club, the Audio/Visual Squad, and president of the Future Assassins of America. It's no wonder that his classmates chose him "Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat."
TEXXON STATION OWNER:
Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
TEXXON STATION OWNER:
Oh, yes, definitely. That's all he talked about. I remember one day, I says, uh, "Stutts, why're you working so hard?" He says, "'Cause I'm saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat." (he shrugs his shoulders)
SAUL THE TAILOR:
John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. But real polite. He always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid.
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
SAUL THE TAILOR:
Oh, yes, definitely. That's all he ever talked about. Why, just the other day, he comes in and he says, "Saul, make me a new suit. I'm going to kill Buckwheat and I want to look good on television.
ANNOUNCER:
John David Stutts: The man behind the gun. Brought to you by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow.
TED KOPPEL:
We have just learned that John David Stutts has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell. Let's go there right now, live.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Oh, the reporters are back. Hello. It's good to see everyone who came back. Hello. It's good to see you all. Hello.
MAN: (off camera)
Mister Stutts.
The man comes into view, wearing a hat and trenchcoat, and pointing a pistol. Three shots are heard. Reporters are heard shrieking.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS:
Ouch! I'm shot.
TED KOPPEL:
There you have it. John David Stutts, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes.
ANNOUNCER:
The shooting of John David Stutts. Brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow.
TED KOPPEL:
For those of you who missed it, John David Stutts, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot LIVE on this program. Now, let's take another look.
Cut to the videotape of Stutts' shooting.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS: (on videotape)
...see everyone who came back. Hello. It's good to see you all. Hello.
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
Now coming through. The shots come up.
MAN: (heard off camera on videotape)
Mister Stutts. (the gunshots are heard)
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
There they are, right there.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS: (on videotape)
Ouch! I'm shot.
TED KOPPEL:
I've just been told that John David Stutts is dead.
ANNOUNCER:
The death of John David Stutts has been brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: Because you could die tomorrow. Just like John David Stutts.
TED KOPPEL:
John David Stutts lies dead. How did he die? Let's take a look.
Cut back to the videotape of Stutts' shooting.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS: (on videotape)
Hello.
MAN: (heard off camera on videotape)
Mister Stutts. (the shots are fired)
TED KOPPEL: (off camera)
There it is, there's the shots.
JOHN DAVID STUTTS: (on videotape)
Ouch! I'm shot.
TED KOPPEL:
And so, two famous men lie dead: Buckwheat and John David Stutts. We'll be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. Good night.
Dont you just love it when people beat the hell out of old news ?
:yuk: :yuk: :yuk:
C.T. :wink: