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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a
woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what! it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her
husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand.
Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide." The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."
Bail: $100
Ticket: $95
Look on cop's face: Priceless
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LMAO
Be careful busting the chops of the TICKET Cops. HighRoller will start pumping up his windbag.
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Subject: A Measure of Success
The question
In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately
became of them.
The answer:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became
of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was
financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral: Screw work. Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in
the end.
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Hell yeah WOMEN are evil,
the cop joke was told on here before in more detail still funny :D :D :D :D :D :D
