Pricless

[Keithb87]

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said
we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
(in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth
together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross! they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do La maze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does
to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to
be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my
flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...
teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and
our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be
okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,"
he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's whacker
.....Priceless :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

[Her454]

Rotflmfao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

[BarryMac]

That is some funny stuff right there...

[Big_Gunz_]

funny funny

[TRG]

that is something your son along with the entire family will cherish for the rest of their lives!
goood stuff!

[waterwitch]

Oh my god! I am cracking up! Not for
just what happend, but the way you
wrote this!
Classic!! Thanks for a good laugh!

[spectratoad]

That is hilarious. Now when my kids bring lizards home I will never look at them the same again.

[91nordic29]

i just kept thinking " dont lizards lay eggs?" :idea:

[Mrs.Racer277]

I can't even type thru all the tears I am laughing so hard. Thank you for sharing that story.

[RexRathburn]

:rollside: Ha ha...that was too funny! Thanks for sharing! :rollside: