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Thread: RETIRING SOON, so I can tell this story now.

  1. #1
    clownpuncher
    So I can now share this story. It's a long winded mother, but, I've had a few glasses of wine and I've been contemplating my iminent retirement from the FD.
    You guys ever see the little helmet shaped stickers on the back windows of cars/trucks? The vehicle belongs to a fireman and it's representative of our Union or organization. It's pretty common for firemen to give these stickers to their girlfriends after a few dates and after it's a pretty sure thing that the relationship will last at least a few months.
    After over a year of dating, Jayme (now my wife), asked me why I haven't given her a sticker after all this time. Coming from family full of cops and firemen, she didn't need ME to give her one, but, she wanted it from me. I decided to hold out for one reason. The reason? She always wanted a Porsche. My plan was to buy her a classic style 911 Carrera without her knowing, complete with fireman sticker on the back window upon delivery.
    Well I found a great car This one in fact. 72,000 original miles and it belonged to a fireman so I know it was dialed.
    http://www.***boat.com/image_center/...tled-1-med.jpg
    http://www.***boat.com/image_center/...36rear-med.jpg
    I surprised her with her new car, complete with the all important sticker on the back window.
    Turns out after a few miles of driving it she hated it worse than any car she'd ever had. Too small, didn't feel safe and "you really have to work at driving that thing". I love driving it cuz it's meant to drive, not pussyfoot around with. Not even CLOSE to being fast, but, fun to drive none-the-less.
    Anyhow, back to the "I'm retiring soon so I can tell this story" story.
    After a crazy-busy night at our restaurant, Jayme and I were trying to figure out how to get both cars home. She drove the truck there and I drove the Porsche. She'd had way more than the .08 limit of alcohol and didn't feel comfortable driving. No problem cuz I only had six vodkas and Red Bulls :hammerhea in an hour so I was fine. LOL. (for those of you that don't get the inside humor, sorry)
    We dedided to leave the truck there and take the Porsche home. I had to promise to take the 2 miles of residential roads and not get on any city streets. In fact, don't ever shift out of 1st gear. I say "OK" As I'm driving home I decided "Hell, it's 4 am, not a sole in Palm Desert, open highway, why not?" So I say f'it and hit the main street.
    Going up HWY 74 I managed to get to a good speed by the time we get to our turn, maybe a mile or 2 all uphill. Jayme started to freak (in a fun way, not pissed at this point) about the speed. I started to laugh "bwaaaahhaaaaaahhaaa!!" After a coupel of more turns we're about three houses from home. Jayme started to get pissed about the driving. I laughed again, "bwaaaaahhaaaahhhaaa."
    Next thing I know is Jayme shoves the stick in neutral and yanked he e-brake. "I'M WALKING HOME!!!!!!" My good humor made me say out loud, "all three houses worth?" This was the turning point of Jayme getting a little irritated.
    Remember back when we left the truck at the restaurant? Well, she drives that every day. She feels safe in that big-ol-thing, and quite frankly, she used to it. So used to it in fact that when she got out of the Porsche to walk home, she forgot just how low that thing is to the ground. The next sound I heard was keys and money being scattered all over our street. She'd fallen down upon her exit from the vehicle. Again I let out with a "bwaaaahaaahhhaaaaa". This was now the turning point of Jayme being irritated to being Fu%$ing pissed off!! She picked her keys up, left the money and started to walk home. I rolled the passeger window down and idled next to her. Saying all I could to make her smile. Nothing. I ****ed up. Damn.
    We get to our driveway in about 30 seconds. I park the car and go inside where Jayme decides to let me have it. She verbally kicked my ass for 5 minutes straight. I deserved it, big time. After the 10th minute of licking my wounds I said "honey I'm really sorry. That was totally immature and disrespectful. I love you and would NEVER want to harm you. I'm sorry I scared you and laughed at you. I was stupid and will never do that again" Pretty good? Nah. She was PISSED!!! At this point I decided that I ain't gonna take this anymore. After all, I appologized already. I grab keys off the little counter by the front door and walk out of the house. Don't know where I was gonna go, but, I was gonna "BE A MAN" and not take this crap anymore. LOL
    As I get to the driveway, I realize that I grabbed the keys to my department issued K-9 vehicle. Complete with identifying decals, light bar, siren etc.
    http://www.***boat.com/image_center/...tled-3-med.jpg
    Ain't NO WAY, NO HOW, I was gonna take this for a ride after all my Redbulls :wink: I look back, house door's already slammed shut and my pride refuses to let me go back inside. At least until I've "proven my point". :argue: Fockin A.
    I say screw it. I'm gonna sleep in the back of the fire car. It's custom designed for the dog. Very similar to the Police Patrol K-9 units.
    http://www.hotboatpics.com/pics/data...RM0003-med.jpg
    If you look inside you'll notice that it's a relatively clean atmosphere, especially for a dog. Fully caged to prevent him from getting out/dirtbags from getting in, or chewing anything, with a slightly padded floor. The dog can't even get to the front seat unless I open a small sliding door between the two front seats. I always kept this little slider door closed.
    So I get in the back of my unit and shut the doors. As I lay down and get all comfy, I replay the earlier events. Again, I chuckle. Don't know why,but, I found the whole thing funny.
    As soon as I think of what "my point" is, I'm gonna go back in and let Jayme have it. While I'm thinking, I pass out.
    About 30 minutes later I wake up. It's November, it's gotta be 50 degrees outside and I left the car windows open for the dog on our way home from work earlier in the day. After all, it's all caged and he cant' get out.
    Being cold and having had a few beers earlier, I really had to pee. As I sit up and rub my eyes, I make a plan to take a leak in the bushes. I slide over to the door. Then it hit me........................................(scroll up and look inside the dog car again. See any interior door handles?)
    "I CAN'T F'IN BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!" I'm trapped, literally, in the dog car. I say to myself, "no problem, I'll just piss out the window"
    I take my pants down and do my best contortionist imitation I can. I tried to get on my knees and piss out the window, but, the roof was too short and I couldn't right myself enough. I tried to mash my face against the front cage while putting my leg on the rear cage, but that's only about a 24 inch span fornt to back. I managed to get my face on the cage and my foot on the rear cage, but my "nozzle" was still a good 30 inches away from the window. I couldn't stand the thought of spraying myself as the "old beer" splashed off window cage, so I nix that plan.
    What to do? I haven't got CLUE at this point. All I know is I'm freezing, been drinking beer, I'm locked in this F'n ROLLING DOG HOUSE and I GOTTA PISS NOW. Especially after the 2 false starts on the flow, I REALLY HAD TO GO. Thank God I had my cell phone. I can just call Jayme and she'll come let me out. Shit.
    I can see the light on in the house so I know Jayme is still awake.
    I reluctantly make the call. Phone rings three times. Is she gonna F'ing answer or what?
    She finally answers my call.
    Jayme : "WHAT!!!"
    Me: "Hi, honey?"
    Jayme : "WHAT!!!!"
    Me: "Hey uh, you think you can come outside for a minute?"
    Jayme: "WHY!!!!"
    Me: "Well, you think you can come out and let me out of the ................"
    Jayme:"BWAAAAHAAAAHHAAAAAAAAAAA. You locked yourself in the dog car didnt' you?!?!.BWAAAHAAHHHAAAHHAAAA. You DUMB *&^&%^$*) I should leave your ass in there you &^*^&$$%@#$&.........BWAAAAAAHHAAAHAA"
    Me: "Honey, I got to pee really bad. Please?"
    Jayme: "I don't care if you piss your pants after ther waqy you drove. F"OFF!!!!
    Next thing I know she's walkign out of the house with a big 'ol smile. She can't help but laugh at my pittyfull ass, stuck in the dog car.
    Obviously she let me out, after a little teasing, and she still loves me.
    To this day I still can't remember what "my point " was.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
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    10,871

  3. #3
    cola
    Now that is some funny sh*t.
    Late, Mike

  4. #4
    essexjet
    Clownpuncher, when are you retirering? I work in your area and always asked if any knew you. My partner yesturday is a Res. with PSFD and said that you were out for a while. Would have liked to ran some calls with you. Take care. James

  5. #5
    Outnumbered
    Good story :argue:

  6. #6
    MudPumper
    Good story CP. Is the Fire K-9 a search and rescue type dog???? Never seen a Fire K-9 unit before.

  7. #7
    XtrmWakeborder
    That was seriously the funniest thing i have ever heard on here i was rolling!

  8. #8
    91nordic29
    that pretty much makes my week!!! :rollside:

  9. #9
    Flying Tiger
    Great story.
    If I've found out anything in dealing with chicks, let them talk.
    It's the "Ms Pac Man rule." Let it run, Evenually they get it outta their system.
    It's going to be a long time 'till ya quit hearing about this CP I reckon.

  10. #10
    RiverOtter
    Great story! Thanks for sharing

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