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Thread: Definitions for tool usage

  1. #1
    rrrr
    :rollside:
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
    flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
    smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
    splattering it against that freshly painted part you were
    drying.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
    under the workbench with the speed of light.
    Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
    about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
    and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
    your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
    available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
    to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
    flammable objects in your shop on fire.
    Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want
    the bearing race out of.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
    trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
    upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
    hydraulic floor jack.
    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
    spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your
    boot.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
    known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
    couldn't use anyway.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
    everything you forgot to disconnect.
    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
    the end opposite the handle.
    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
    Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
    "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
    night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
    light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells
    might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
    burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
    into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
    impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50ยข part.
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
    is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
    garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
    It is also the next tool that you will need.
    EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
    somehow eases those pains and indignities following
    our every deficiency in foresight.

  2. #2
    lucky
    hole saw ----- a device destined to smack your hand into a 2x4 stud with a unbeliveale amount of torque !
    mounted my crapper threw hardy backer and 1" t/g plywood -- It made me swear .... and i'm a christain man :crossx:

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