Chuck Norris Facts

[dumbandyoung]

i thought i would need a thread.. since hes the raddst man alive.
ill start the facts.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life.
Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

[Zaairman]

Chuck Norris can make a woman orgasm by simply pointing at her and saying, "booyah."
Shortly after he was born, Chuck Norris had sex with the nurse who helped deliver him. She was the 3rd person Chuck had slept with.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72oz steaks in 45 mins. He spent the first half our having sex with the waitress.
If you can see Chuck, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck, you may be only seconds away from death.

[dumbandyoung]

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

[OGShocker]

"Chuck Norris is a PUSSY"!
-Jack Bauer

[dumbandyoung]

"Chuck Norris is a PUSSY"!
-Jack Bauer
chuck norris will send you a round house kick to the face just for thinking that.. he wouldnt even have to hear it caz he can read your thoughts

[bocco]

It turns out that Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

[Boatcop]

We classify anyone confronting Chuck Norris as a Code 666. (Suicide)
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
The reason there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

[dumbandyoung]

70% of the human body weight is water. 70% of chuck norris weight is cock

[ChumpChange]

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris has s with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginit before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't eff* with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris had sx with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The sun doesn't actually rise or set. Chuck Norris simply claps twice.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. You do the math.
Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own as. The result was the second ice age.
Rather than "good intentions," Chuck Norris paved the road to Hll with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.
While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.
Chuck Norris is the only male to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.
The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell "Doom" in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your as and take your dollar.
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a striper in it.
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.

[dmontzsta]

Chuck Norris must have hit you with a roundhouse kick and knocked you back into last year.