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hull mounted strainer
Although I cannot claim authorship, I recently read this and had to post it. It's worth the read and ill probably get flamed but oh well.
Ode to an a$$ hair
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique.
It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I
thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there
and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't
enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.
Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
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hull mounted strainer
This topic is one thats very serious to me and not a matter that should be taken lightly.
Excessive Butt Carpet can and dose make the act wiping a real well, pain in the ass...after all it's like trying to wipe (Spackel out of a Shag Rug).
Personally I have 2 (moves) I must do before and after I plop one down the porcelain pipes...with both hands I do whats called the "Spread and Squat" this 1'st (move) helps to part the hairy jungle out of the way before I mount the magnificent bowl and the Stink Pickle is launched.
I for one would like to trim up that area...but just the thought of putting a razor near my Sphincter turns me into a quivering coward.
The 2'nd move is to dab a precise amount of Ass Paper under a trickeling faucet. Not only dose that make the act of wiping refreshing, but makes for a quick clean up...HOWEVER CAUTION must be taken when doing the 2'nd move...to much water on the wiping material WILL cause it to become severeyl weak...and BLOW THROUGH can happen...Stink Finger is the result!
Kind of makes one wonder why we were designed with a Hairy Butt
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belt tension
Hammerdown, as my kids say to me alot. TMI (Too Much Information) but I have to agree with you.
Wet Wipes! Give those a try at the end they clean you right up!
Miller(Has a Clean Hairy Ass)19j
miller19j:
Wet Wipes! Give those a try at the end they clean you right up!
Miller(Has a Clean Hairy Ass)19j
Theres a special type of turd that only a WetNap or a quick trip to the Shower can handel. It's a somewhat dry, but not to dry that it breaks off, tarry type of thing thats void of what I call (Fecal Gel Coat). The Fecal Gel Coat is what helps the stink pickel almost fall out of ones Bowels and makes for what I really like..."the one wipe Crap"....ya don't get them to often...but when I do I try the hardest to recal what I ate the night befor that caused the Speed Coated Brown Scud Missel.
Back to WetNaps..if I may.
True the lemon sented ones are always by my Thrones side awaiting like a good friend for me to grap one if needed. But one must be careful not to fall into the pure tranquility they can cause...Caution must be taken with these little moist turd towlets...use one, then flush it...or else a back up could happen and there goes your wounderful experience.
I also always keep WetNaps in the Boat at all times...Friends have seen me take that walk into the woods with my trusty WetNaps in hand to find that perfect Tree to lean back upon and help Fertilize Mother Natures Green wonders.
Did ya wonder who tested the Lemon sented WetNaps to see if they worked?...A Crapy job for sure...but when I find that Butt Sniffen, scent designing , little person...the drinks are on me!
[ September 04, 2003, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: HammerDown ]
Thanks HD, I have now fallen off my chair and died laughing.
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hydraulic lock
LMAO......OMG......i cant stop lauphing!! i feel really bad for you, now you men might have a idea what us women go thru, having to shave legs, arms, bikni lines, pluck our eyebrows.....it hurts!!!
maybe some powder will sooth the pain, dont take the easy way out by jumping out of the window,it will be over in a few days!! wink
When you first arise in the morning shit first thing, then shower after. Spread your buns and water pic your butt spokes.
Man--->Butt as clean as Miller's<---delon
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