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Thread: Best of jokes

  1. #1
    Caljamr
    Post your best jokes.
    **************************
    A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man: "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    "Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."
    "That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."
    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr. Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."
    "OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
    Well, what?," says the redneck.
    The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
    "Call who back?"
    The FISH," replied the warden.
    "What fish?" replied the redneck.
    Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as most city slickers, but they're not as dumb as some government employees.

  2. #2
    LaveyJet
    A rancher got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture him about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the rancher feel uncomfortable.
    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The rancher said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
    So the rancher says, "Well, circle flies are common around livestock. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
    The rancher says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
    After a long pause, the rancher says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

  3. #3
    topless
    Larry H Parker was duck hunting in Montana. Recently, he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck that I just shot," he replied.
    "That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine, " replied the farmer." The lawyer asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "and I don't care."
    "I am Larry H Parker a famous lawyer from California," came the reply. I am the lawyer that never loses a case and I'm rich. If you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
    "Well," said the farmer, "In Montana, the law we go by ... is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it," said the lawyer. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times and if you make it back to your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours."
    The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubled over, the farmer kicked him in the face. And when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
    After several moments, the lawyer slowly got back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said the lawyer. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

  4. #4
    Sleeper CP
    My current favorite joke. I can't tell it any better than this so here it is:
    http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/a...onPenguins.flv

    Sleeper CP
    Big Inch Ford Lover

  5. #5
    ChumpChange
    My current favorite joke. I can't tell it any better than this so here it is:
    http://s201.photobucket.com/albums/a...onPenguins.flv

    Sleeper CP
    Big Inch Ford Lover
    AWESOME!!!!

  6. #6
    ck7684
    How do you know when you're staying
    in a Redneck hotel ?
    When you call the front desk and say,
    I gotta leak in my sink, and the
    clerk replies, Go ahead.
    _______________________________
    Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
    Redneck murder .
    1) The DNA is all the same
    2) There's no dental records
    __________________________________
    A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
    and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
    and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
    ____________________________________________
    A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
    to his beloved widow
    but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

  7. #7
    Caljamr
    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon
    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate
    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
    10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

  8. #8
    Sleeper CP
    One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked
    into his parents room to check it out.
    He opened the door to see his mom bent over the
    dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad
    saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed
    the door.
    After business was finished Dad went to check on
    little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find
    Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny
    going at it behind her.
    Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you
    doing?!'
    Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its
    your mom is it?!'
    Sleeper Cp
    Big Inch Ford Lover

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    912
    why dont you eat puzzy in the mornin?
    ever try to pull a grilled cheese sandwich apart....?!!!

  10. #10
    pancho
    what did Madonna say to Michael Jackson at the beach?GODAMMIT MIKE YOURE IN MY SON!

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